Home Sweet, Awkward Home

Well it's Wednesday night so I've been home for 60 hours. It's been INTERESTING! The plane ride was awful, the ride home was fun, and walking in the door I was handed a chore chart for the week. Today I was in charge of dishes, cooking, and walking Griffy. Let's just say, John cooked dinner. This evening everyone is gone except Logan, John and I. So we're playing Mario Kart on the Nintendo 64. Yup, we're old school!

It's been an overall good time... with some VERY awkward moments.

Monday Skylar got his wisdom teeth out which led to some very hilarious moments including him giving himself a pep talk in the mirror to swallow his pills, him singing "Oh where , oh where has my swallow gone?", and freaking out over a boiling pot of water he thought we were going to cook him in. Monday was also my aunt's birthday and they came up so we could celebrate. We also had a great showing from my brothers' friends. There were probably 17 people in and out that evening!

I went to lunch with my dear friend Gretchen today. We have so much in common and always have a great time sharing our lives catching up. Gretchen came over for a few hours to talk about Twilight, which she is just now reading... we had a blast! Plus it was a great chance for me to find out all about the behind the scenes stuff from her wedding!

Today Tanner and Bob (my 17 yr old brother and mom's husband) had a moment of severe contention in front of a bunch of company so that is one of the many reasons why everyone has gone their separate ways this evening. I just don't know how to deal with Bob. It's not that I don't like him or that I'm not glad he married my mom. I'm so glad they are married and happy! I just don't know what he expects of me, and he has as many mood/personality swings as every one else in our family! While I've been home he either is ignoring us or railing us with questions about things we really don't know the answer to or care to share the answer with him. So I'm not sure how to treat him or react to him especially when he's correcting my grammar.

Anyway, tomorrow we are going to the Children's Museum and I'M SO EXCITED!!! Then we will serve dinner at the homeless shelter. Should be a great Christmas Eve. Love my family, glad I'm here, hoping things with Bob get less awkward soon. Any advice on dealing with step fathers would be greatly appreciated... I've considered having a DTR (define the relationship) discussion with him... I just lose my courage when it comes time, or I'm annoyed and don't want to come off that way. Hope you're all having a lovely week leading up to Christmas.

Dreading a Hormonal Christmas at Home

Well I guess now its 6:30 so I shouldn't necessarily be asleep, but when I woke up at 5:00 this morning I definitely should have been. I'm dreading next week while being thrilled for it at the same time. We're headed to Indy for Christmas, which is guaranteed to be stressful. Here's why I'm dreading it:

• Its my "favorite" week out of the month (and I'm usually not very sociable this week each month... plus it exponentially compounds each of these other reasons!)
• Its the first Christmas I'll be home for since before my dad died.
• Bob will be there (and as much as he's a nice guy, he stresses me out... I don't know exactly why) Plus this will be the first time EVER for me to be HOME while HE is there. I'm sure I'll find issues with that during my hormonal overdrive moments!
• My mom... lets just say that since she's married Bob I talk to her maybe once a month... maybe.
• No escape. I will not have a car to use, which means there will be no escaping during those moments that I know will come (often) when I want to tear everyone's head off if they don't leave me alone. I will be stuck. Which is going to make it even worse... I don't deal well with no escape, and knowing there isn't one is going to make me want one even more.
• Advocare... my brothers have been using and selling this product. It's not that it doesn't work, I've watched my brother loose 75 lbs and turn other weight into muscle since April, so I know it works...and I want to use it, because weight loss is key to this whole IF thing...but I don't have ANY money to buy it=awkward=stress.

Honestly, none of these are really that big of a deal, and hopefully won't be a big deal, but I know how hormonal I get during this week of my life, so I'm just hoping I can somewhat control myself.

Here are some reasons why I'm SO EXCITED:

• Logan is home from his 2 year LDS mission... this means I haven't seen him in over 2 years!
• Dana is home from a semester abroad in Jerusalem with trips to Egypt, Galilee, Jordan, and many other too cool places. I can't wait to see pictures.
• Skylar will be getting his LDS mission call that tells us where he will be serving for the next two years.
• Tanner... what can I say, I love this kid!
• Family: I really do love all of them, I love being with them, I love being home
• Gretchen, one of my dearest friends, I always love getting to see her. Hopefully she can handle my raging hormones and still love me!
• Thursday is free admission to the Indianapolis Children's Museum. It is the largest Children's Museum I've ever seen or heard of. Yes I know it's Christmas Eve. Yes I know I HAVE NO CHILDREN. But I'm a teacher, and I'm a gigantic child at heart. SO, if I can figure out a way to get there, I WILL be there!
• Home... I hope it will really feel like home still, like it did in September when I was there.

You see, I truly have so much to be grateful for. And I am grateful. I just am terrified at what my emotions and hormones will be doing for the next week or so... and if that, plus all my reservations about going in the first place will end OK with everyone alive and still loving each other.

Heaven help us all!

Now, if I could just get some sleep so I'm starting this off on the right foot, we all MAY survive this!

I'm Alive

I don't have any excuses, except for nothing really to blog about and just not feeling like blogging. I do have a few things to share from the past month and a half though. but nothing related to infertility. Just everyone else's fertility which is almost more exciting I think! Babies I get to hold and love on without the responsibility. I'm loving every minute of it lately! Anyway, the upped dose with Met.formin is kicking my trash. I just hope it's worth it and it does what it's supposed to and I don't end up resistant to Met.formin too. So between the Met and all the illnesses I've had this school year, I come home and fall asleep on the couch almost daily. Hopefully the new year will bring a new burst of energy!

I'll do a better job, I promise!

ICLW

Ok, so I'm only a few days late on the ICLW bandwagon this month. I skipped last month because I thought I would be too busy, and then this month I missed the first 3 days! So Sorry about that! I promise I'm trying to make up for all the missed comments. Here's a little bit about me

I'm Erika, I teach 1st/2nd graders this year, I have 1 amazing husband, and one adorable westie named Tuffy. (A few weeks ago Tuffy came to school to meet the class... oh how they loved him, AND HE SURE loved THEM!)

Here are some fun facts about me:

I am the new gospel doctrine teacher for my church, which terrifies me.

I love all things San Diego... I wish I could live there.

I am on the search for the perfect (to me) Chille Relleno

I'm the oldest of 5 kids, and I definately have "oldest child syndrome"

I love Mountain Dew.

I'm addicted to reality television, I don't know why...

I've had the "Maybe I'm pregnant" thought cross my mind MULTIPLE times this year, although I know I'm not. (why does that happen?)

I LOVE all things Disney. My favorite movie as of late is Meet the Robinsons... the "Keep moving forward" tag is my mantra. I can't wait for UP to come out on DVD. I LOVED that movie!

Anyway, moving on...

John is back in school to get a teaching degree while working full time so that is quite challenging as well.

We live in a rural area with the closest RE's at least 2 hours away. So needless to say we haven't done anything for a long 5 years. I have endo and PCOS. A lot of weight loss is the big next step. Hopefully by the time we feel like we need to proceed we'll both be healthier ;)

I love life right now. Not all days, but most. The rest of this year is going to be full of exciting things. I will have new nephew within the next 2 weeks (hopefully!). My brother comes home from his 2 year mission for church. And Christmas this year will be celebrated at home, in Indy, for the first time since my dad passed away with everyone else around, including all my new "step-family". I promise to share all the ups and downs along the way!

One thing is certain. My life is NEVER the same two days in a row!

Yearly Check up

Well, to sum up I felt like a complete idiot. I've been talking about getting/needing to get another laporoscapy done because I've been in so much pain for a while now. However, after telling the Dr. about all of my issues the last few months nothing was even mantioned except to up my metformin. So that's what I'm going to do. Hopefully it will help with the weight gain. I don't know, maybe I should have brought up the lap, but I felt so stupid, so I didn't. I may be headed back to the Dr. soon though if the pain persists and requesting one. I'm just so frustrated and defeated, but oh well.

Reasons Why I Hate Leaving MY House

So yesterday wasn't a great day for feeling well (at least in the afternoon/evening). I didn't realize until after trying on some clothes how HUGE I looked... Now you're probably wanting to say "Oh I'm sure it was in your head" At least that's what I said to myself.... however the lady (a stranger mind you) in the mall that walked up to me and RUBBED MY BELLY and asked WHEN ARE YOU DUE? Obviously didn't think it was all in my head. I simply told her January and walked away... Dumbfounded and laughing histarically at no one in particular.

It was either that or cry.


Please giggle at my story with me.


And NO I'm NOT pregnant at all, promise!

Hope

Topics and discussions and giveaways of "HOPE" have been circulating around my little corner of the infertility/adoption blogosphere lately. I saw this on therhouse blog this morning. I've definately been lacking hope as of late. But I've also been clutching onto the little bit that I have with all that I can. I know I NEED that hope. I NEED the positive reminders of all that could ONE DAY be. I MUST keep BELIEVING. This is amazing, and must be shared.

Show and Tell: Swine Flu Edition

Make sure to check out what the rest of the class is showing!

So I have THE CUTEST 1st and 2nd graders! A couple of weeks ago I had swine flu (see previous post) and missed two days of work. Both days the kids wrote me get well cards. And while the letters all said the same thing, their pictures are hilarious! I'll let you interpret them how you will. The last one is by far my favorite... seeing as I fell off my couch laughing hysterically when I saw it... TOO FUNNY!

OK... Here's the best one :)

Crap...My favorite word lately...

Well I had to cancel my appointment for my yearly OBGYN visit (CRAP!) because the day before I found out I had


SWINE FLU!

Crap! Me of all the people... but alas I'm alive and survived it.

So I called to reschedule and they can't get me in for 3 more weeks! (CRAP!) I may die between now and then. There are a lot of signs pointing to another Laparoscapy being in my VERY near future. I'm sure if I called them (if I wasn't working while the office was open since they're in a different time zone) they could get me in sooner, but because of the time issue I'm going to have to take off at least part of a day of work... grrr it's just really obnoxious. (CRAP!)

I've been trying to put on a happy face and be social, and cordial, and my usual happy bubbly self (ok, that makes me sound WAY nicer than I actually am, but oh well)... but tonight I must have looked as crappy as I feel because NO ONE was buying my usual, I'm doing great, bit. (CRAP!) But that's what happens when you're in almost constant pain. I think I've had 2 days in the last 2 weeks that I've not been hurting.

But alas, nothing can be done this very instant so on to happier things...

I'm going to have THE BEST Show and Tell post this week. It is pictures from the get well cards my kids drew me while I was out with Swine Flu. THEY ARE SO HILARIOUS! I fell off my couch laughing at the one... I can't wait to share :) Have a great week!

Where are you from?

Right now I'm sitting in the very kitchen that I ate thousands of meals in, mostly pizza or hamburgers, had many birthday parties at, and helped my mom tape straight lines so she could paint :) I'm using the computer I helped my dad pick out and buy for my mom at least 5 years ago if not longer (I'm thinking 8). It is missing the apostrophe key, hence all the I'ms(oh wait spell checker fixes them! lol)... So much has changed, but much has remained the same.

People ask where I'm from all of the time. I always give them this long drawn out story of how Ive lived in different places equal number of years so each is part of me. This is true, but riding in the back of the car this time down my street it was different. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

THIS IS HOME.

Walking in the door was very different this time. My mom is in Utah with Bob, he had surgery yesterday. Dana is in Jerusalem. Logan is in California. And of course, my dad is gone. But my two youngest brothers, who are both much littler than they were the last time I saw them (I think together they've lost 75lbs) greeted us at the door. Along with Griffy the family westie.

I love Indianapolis and actually, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the town my family has spent the last 14 years in. Its definitely not the same as when I lived here over 8 years ago, but it is still home.

This house, this kitchen, this yard, this dog is all home. It smells like home still, too. I love this place, I love being here.

Even though my dad is gone, this place still is home.

Even though Ive grown up and moved on and have John, all that started here. This is home.

A huge portion of my heart will forever be in this place. First, a chunk stayed when I left for college. Another chunk stayed behind when I left this place as a wife. The largest portion stayed behind when my father passed away and I rushed HOME to be with my family.

I think for all of these reasons, I feel most complete in this place, as a human being. Everything seems to fall into place a little easier, I think more clearly, I am most like the me I remember before LIFE happened.

I love my life now. Sure would I change a couple of our current situations if it were up to me, probably... but I love it. However, I now know I have a very simple answer for a very simple question. This is the place I will ALWAYS call home, no matter who lives in the house, or where I spend Christmas or Thanksgiving holidays. This very house, where I no longer have a room, will always be HOME to me.

****I posted this on my personal blog, but I thought you all may enjoy it too. If you would like to find out more about me my personal blog address is reyeshouse.blogspot.com

It's been a long while! and Beware...hormones are raging!

I can't believe another month has come and gone and its ICLW time again. I love this time of the month, but with school back in session and hubby's college classes starting again on Monday... I'm not sure how successful I'll be in posting. Nothing is going on infertility wise in my life AT ALL. Some days, like today I hate myself for continuing to put it off, but we really have no choice. The closes RE is 90 minutes away at least and in a different state, we have no money for any sort of treatments, and John MUST finish school before we go there. (Like my justifications to myself?)

Today's been a crappy day. I'm at the point in the school year (8 days in) where I DESPERATELY miss my last year's class, and don't want to deal with (this year I don't know how to deal with) all the challenges this new group of children bring. Don't get me wrong, they're great kids and I know I'll feel the same way next year about that class just like I feel this way ever year about my new class, but gosh, today really sucked!

I think there must be some major hormonal changes going on inside my body right now...I'm either laughing yelling, or crying hysterically. It's a good thing my husband isn't home. I think he would banish me to my room! But maybe that is the best place for me.

Anyway, I have my yearly appt. on the 24th of Sept. I have some questions about why I've gained weight since I've started walking every morning... It's a little concerning to me only because it's the first time I've gained weight since being treated for PCOS with met.formin. Not to mention its the first time I've done any type of regular exercise at all in a long while. Even if it's not very much it's gotta be better then not doing anything right?

Welcome to all the ICLWers... Most of the recent posts that are up should be introduction types from the last few months. I'll try and catch up on all our travels before school started soon! Thanks for stopping by!

My Birthday Flowers/Show and Tell

Happy Show and Tell! This really is fun, maybe I should let my first graders do it this year... I always ban it until the week after Christmas break and then it is banned again... I really hate it because things get lost/stolen/broken etc.

Anyway, sorry about getting off topic, this week for show and tell I give you my birthday flowers that my husband brought home the day BEFORE my birthday! Not only are they my favorite flowers, but they made it to me before my birthday so that was even more special! It made 26 a little easier to handle... I don't know why it's so hard this year, but I FEEL SO OLD!

So, on to prettier things, Gerber Daisies!

This one's my favorite!

Now go check out what everyone else is showing for Show and Tell!

Happy ICLW!

It has become my favorite time of the month! ICLW is a time where I get out, "meet" new people, and find new blogs to follow. SO here's a little intro to me and things you may not know.

Top Ten Things I love to Eat

1. Chile Rellanos
2. Ice Cream
3. Potatoes
4. Cheese
5. Pizza
6. Flour Tortillas with butter and salt
7. John's homemade salsa (TO DIE FOR, and no I'm not just saying that he won a local contest last year!)
8. Carnitas either John's or Old Town Mexican Cafe in San Diego... Anyone live there and want me to come visit? I'll buy dinner! lol
9. Yo + yogurt
10. Fruit (strabewrries, pineapple, grapes, apples, oranges, kiwi, blackberries, raspberries, etc)

Top Ten Things I Don't Eat

1. Seafood of any kind
2. Mushrooms (why would you eat a fungus? Sorry I know it's my personal opinion but there it is)
3. Eggs
4. Milk (I've never drank milk for as long as I can remember!)
5. Raw anything
6. Odd parts like liver/eyeballs/ etc I know some people eat weird stuff but not I
7. bugs (never tried them, never will sorry!)
8. Im sure there's more but I can't think of anything else right now so moving on...

Top Ten things I Love about my Hubby

1. His Patience
2. loving
3. generally kind and nice, where I'm not so much...
4. excellent cook
5. determined
6. great with ALL kids (even the ones that annoy me)
7. Especially great with special needs kids
8. wants our own kids as much as I do
9. makes me laugh ALL THE TIME!
10. Works his butt off and ALWAYS tries his best

Anyway there are some things you probably didn't know about me before that you do now. Happy ICLW, Everybody!

Missing

Justin Hughes, John's (my husband) cousin's son has been missing since last Monday from Reno NV visit http://justinhughes.blogspot.com/ for more info and spread the word please!

Happy Birthday to Me :) Keep Moving Forward

Well tomorrow is my 26th birthday.

Tomorrow will mark the 1st day of the year in my life that I always imagined I'd have children by. Or at least that was the goal I had written on my exit exam from one of my High School classes.

I still have that paper. You know, the life plan you have when you're naive and young... The life plan before IF. Why did I put a year, a number, on this goal? Why 26? Maybe I thought that because that's when my mom had me, I don't know. But life isn't ever how you plan it.

I really doubt (unless there is a miracle out there for us which would be amazing btw) that there will be any children of our own in our lives this year. There will be plenty of first graders, primary kids, friends, niece, and nephews which we will love and spoil like we always do :) However, I must say, it is a tad bit on the sad side for me to know that my goal age for me having children will come and go, and not be reached. But I move forward. I love Disney's Meet the Robinsons for this message it shares about moving forward and not getting stuck in the past. It is so true. So tomorrow as I celebrate my birthday my wish will be that John and I can keep moving forward, and not get stuck in the past. Maybe I'll download the Rob Thomas song from the movie to play all day tomorrow too!

As a side note, my wonderful husband brought me a bouquet of Gerber Daisies home today (my favorite flower). I'll take pictures and share them for show and tell soon. They're GORGEOUS! :)

Father's Day

Father's Day is so much harder than Mother's Day for me.

Two years, one week, and 6 days ago my own father passed away from cancer. That right there is enough to make this day hard. I was/have always been/will always be a daddy's girl. And while I know he's in a place far better from here, it doesn't make the times when I still pick up the phone and try and call him any easier. That moment when I realize that he can't sympathize with me, give me advice, or consol me with words I hear or hugs I feel, hurts.

Every time.

To add to it, my dear husband is still not a father. And yes I do, always, blame that on myself. More than anything that is what I want out of my life is to watch some little child, well, our little child, climb up in his lap, tell him "You're the BEST daddy, EVER! Happy Father's Day!" and hug and kiss him. He deserves that. He's the most wonderful man in the world, and he deserves a little one to love him as much as I love my own daddy.

So to the two most important men in my life I'm sorry this day is so hard for me, because it really should be all about you both.

I love you

Happy Father's Day!

UP! Absolutely Fantastic!

So I went to see Disney Pixar's UP on Monday night with my husband, sister, friend, and her family (including 4 kids). I had heard rumblings of UP dealing with infertility issues but hadn't read anything specific. I'm not going to give you any details about the movie, there are lots of other places you can read a full summary mixed with others personal feelings on the movie. Here is my own lowly opinion of this movie...


I LOVE anything and everything Disney, always have, and this movie was no exception. UP is fantastic. Pixar does an excellent job threading how infertility effects every aspect of life, the initial let down, and a slightly warped view of the world. I must say that Carl and Ellie's love for one another despite all of their hardships definitely reminds me of John and I. I hope that wherever our infertility journey leads us we are as happy along the way as Carl and Ellie were. And honestly if our outcome is the same as Carl and Ellie's I really think we'll be ok. The last 6 years of being just us have been great! Plus we are able to love a ton of kids (without worrying about screwing them up for life) lol :)

I made it through UP without crying at all, I did get choked up a few times, but no tears. It really wasn't sad, these two people were so happy despite their circumstances and that to me was so inspiring! I highly recommend UP to any and all, it is an excellent movie!

Welcome ICLWers!

I apologize this is late up front! I cannot believe we've already gone a month and it's time for ICLW again. Last month was my first time participating and I found so many new great blogs and fellow members of the IF community. I'm thrilled it's time again.

I'm a first grade teacher and today was the last day of first grade for the year. Needless to say it's been a busy and stressful week.

Here's a little bit about me and my infertility journey
Feb 02 Diagnosed with Endometriosis through lap.
June 03 married
Aug. 03 go off BCP
Aug-Dec 03 TTC on own
Jan-May 04 TTC with Dr. "home remedies" (old school dr.)
May-Sept. 04 TTC with help of Clomid
Oct 04 moved
March 05 annual visit, first mention of PCOS
June 06 PCOS diagnosis through BW must be on BCP or TTC can't just "wait and see"
I've been on BCP and Metformin ever since (don't have the money or emotional reserves necessary to proceed).

Husband goes back to school next week and hopefully in the next year or so we can start TTC actively again.

So no I haven't done IUI's IVF or any of the other things, but living with IF is hard no matter what place on the long road you occupy.

So welcome, and pardon my whining as of late, there's a lot of drama in my life... and this blog is my way of dealing.

Stress

So EVERY time I go to the doctor I'm told that I'm too stressed and my issues are all magnified by stress so I need to destress my life. When they ask me about how stressful my life is I just laugh at them. Here's the stress going on last week and this week in a nut shell. I'm hoping typing all of this out will help ease some stress and help me sleep a little better tonight (last night I woke up terrified that people were after me with guns... nice dream eh?).

• Being told I'm teaching a 1st 2nd grade SEI split class next year. (How ? I'm not sure yet!)
• Children missing (didn't get off at their bus stop type things) two days in a row.
• Our missing principal (so his wife was having a baby... it is still really difficult when he's gone!)
• Thursday our car dies (yes it's really dead after 11 years and 180,00+ miles it'll take $1800 to fix)
• Friday John fixes what we know is wrong himself (it doesn't work)
• Saturday was spent trying to get the car to St. George (John does good work!)
• Sunday no primary president or pianist in primary... unexpected.
• Today took the day of but spent it at school putting hands on the wall, end of the year Reading Rewards parade, End of year Dibels Report to keep funding for next year, ran to Mesquite to get treats for all of the parties this week, went to St. George after school to move the car to Bob's house after finding out how much it is to fix the car, grocery shopping, and finally coming home... all of this today has been accompanied by the worst headache I've had in a long time.
• This week is the last week of school which means report cards, end of 4th quarter testing, finishing 16 scrapbooks, cleaning our room, getting name tags off desks...etc, etc, etc!
• Students of the Month need to be recognized by Friday... (i'm in charge of making their certificates...)

Now don't get me wrong there have been multiple blessings in all of this, I see them and am extremely grateful for them. It doesn't make it less stressful or easy, but it does help me stay focused on the long term goals.

Needless to say, my next trip to the Dr. probably won't go any better. And I'm sure if I took my blood pressure today it would be THROUGH THE ROOF!

Here's to a new day tomorrow, let's hope things start looking up!

Mother's Day

Mother's day in my world is extremely hard to handle. The infertility that I have experienced and all of the pain and sadness it causes all seem to be very close to the surface by the time we make it to Mother's Day. The last 2 years in particular have been extra difficult becaue Mother's Day reminds me of the last time I saw and spent time with my Dad before he passed away. Now I know it's Mother's Day but alas those are the conflicting issues I have in my head when we get to this time of year.

This year my class made key chains and wrote letters to their moms for mothers day. This is usually the hardest part of mother's day for me only because with some of my darlings I feel I do WAY more for them then their mothers do. This year MOST of my kids have wonderful mothers that are everything a mother should be. SOME still I would love to take home with me but alas, I cannot.

Also, this year I was in LA with my aunt and uncle. We got to do some amazing things with them. On Saturday we did some shopping. In one of the stores they were handing out roses to the moms. On my way out the door they were asking if I was a mom, I said no, but they gave me the rose and wished me a Happy Mother's Day anyway. I was grateful for that! They didn't make it too awkward which was nice.

We also went to a concert that was marvelous. These kids are amazing! They too had a message (given by my uncle) about mothers day. His daughter also suffered from infertility for many years, adopted, and has since had 2 little boys of her own. He talked about how women are mothers in many ways. I think it was just for me, but whether or not it was, I'm extremely grateful he did! These darling children play and sing "I am a Child of God" was one of the highlights. So precious. And so talented!

I survived church. I think it was because no one knew us, I related with the message, even though it was ALL ABOUT MOMS, however I could apply it to my teaching as well. Also, I really feel like my Heavenly Father was watching out for me and really telling my heart what HE wanted me to know. I left feeling very comforted.

We had dinner with my aunt and uncle and then headed home. I think the nicest part of my Mother's Day was the wonderful long nap I got on our long drive home. Also knowing my brother got to call home was fun, even though he didn't get to call us.

Overall, I think I survived, and actually enjoyed mother's day this year (at least compared to last year when I VOWED I would never go to church again on Mother's day!).

Stupid Boy

So I had a mostly lovely weekend helping my sister move. Saturday night we had a wedding reception to go to for one of my great friends. I took him to my Jr. prom. After meeting and greeting both the bride and groom another friend from high school came up to chat with us. He's a year or so younger than me (but most of my friends in high school were that way). This is the conversation that followed:

Me: Hey, how are you doing?
SB(stupid boy): Hello! How are you?
Me: I'm loving life, everything is going really well.
SB So where are your kids then?
Me: I don't have any kids...Where are yours?
SB: Well wife just graduated, I changed my major...we don't have kids yet.
Me: Well, I have 17 first graders.
SB: They don't count.

SB continues talking I'm trying to not hit him... my sister is trying to change the subject with him... she's ready to hit him too.

Me:You know my standard response has become when Heavenly Father decides it's right for us to have kids we'll have them. (SB gives me a high five.)
SB: But that means you have to be listening (SB then slaps my husband on the arm who had been talking to someone else and tells him that he has to be listening)
Me: Well c-ya later
SB:Great to see you!
Me: Yeah, sure.

Somewhere in there I told his wife she was amazing for putting up with him (he's quite self absorbed and overly confident) plus from this conversation doesn't know what is his business and what isn't. I also called him Ryan to his wife...Totally not his actual name... and for a few minutes I didn't realize I had done it. lol. Oh well.

Needless to say this conversation infuriated me! Some people have such a warped sense of "how easy it is to get pregnant" you know the whole middle school safe sex talk "It only takes ONE time". Oh how I wish that were true.

I hope this kid learns some boundaries on what is appropriate to talk about and what isn't. But even after his unkind, rude words I wouldn't wish him to have to go through what I have.

I wish no one had to go through IF. The guilt alone for not being able to fulfill my life's purpose (self imposed thoughts no one else's fault) nor give my husband a child is devastating some days. Not to mention all of the other inadequacies, disappointments, failures, and let downs felt in this process.

The nice part of the evening was getting to see some REAL friends who asked how life was and were genuinely interested in my response even if children never came up in the conversation. Also seeing one of my long time friends who also has endo and her twins was a realy joy (It generated a lot of hope that when the time is right it will happen.)

So another weekend down! Luckily I get to pretend the dreaded upcoming holiday isn't happening this year (except when I call my own mother and maybe even send her some flowers or something). That is a huge relief!

New ICLW Participant here

Welcome to All IComLeavWe buddies! Here's a little countdown to tell you a little about me. Next time I think I'll steal the ABC intro idea!


10 number of months we TTC with Dr. supervision and clomid
9 different brands of BCP since age 14
8 years ago I graduated high school.
7 years ago diagnosed with Endometriosis
6 years ago this June I got married :)
5 number of first grade classes I have taught
4 years ago I was diagnosed with PCOS (finally)
3 reasons I'm an aunt (4th on its way)
2 number of "new" pregnancies I was told about 'IRL' in the last week
1 westie Tuffy...my sweet puppy!
0 what we're doing now to TTC... everything is on hold until DH finishes school in 2 years.


Anything else you want to know, is it unclear? Let me know! I'm so thrilled to be part of this wonderful IF community. Thanks for including me!

Show and Tell Relay for Life

This week for show and tell, something much more personal/emotional for me.


This is my Dad and I.

I was/am very much a daddy's girl always. I am the oldest and always found fun, comfort, and solace with my dad. We were very similar, quick temper, not very patient (with people who should know better) , but always loving, kind, and funny. His smile was the greatest! And being the cause for that smile was my ultimate goal in life... I hope I'm causing him to smile while he watches on from a much better place.

When he was first diagnosed with cancer (thanks to the dentist who noticed) the projection was great they could remove the part of the tongue with the cancer and life would go back to normal. He was ready and fought with all he had through 3 different types of cancer, at least that many major surgeries, several rounds of chemo, and radiation for months and months.

In March of 2007 we were told he was cancer free.

In May I got a phone call and was told the cancer was not only back but it was terminal. I flew home a week later...no one knew I was coming except my friend from high school that was picking me up from the airport, and my brother who I told at the last minute to leave a door open for me (I got in at midnight.).

The picture is from that weekend. It was Mother's Day weekend. My dad was so happy I was home. That is the last picture I have with my dad.

That Monday while I accompanied him to doctor's appointments and radiation he was in so much pain...and it was killing my mom's spirit too.

I returned home and my prayer changed... Please make him better or take him home with You where he won't be in so much pain.

On June 8, 2007 my brother in a panic called and woke us up at 6:00 telling me my dad was dying. 30 minutes later I spoke with my unbelievably calm mother who informed me that indeed he had passed away. Just 3 days before I would have gotten to see him again, he was gone.

I love my dad. I think about him every day. I know that he is happy and pain free where he is now. I also know that my family is a Forever Family and I will live with him again.

This year, I Relay for him. Please join me in supporting my brother's team Spark Hope and the American Cancer Society.


Be sure to check out what the rest of the class is showing.

Babies and Fixing Unspoken Misunderstandings

There have been LOTS of baby news in my life lately. Along with John and I having a long chat...

• Over Spring break I finished crochetting all of the baby afghans for my cousins that have had kids. They turned out really well especially the last one I did :)!
• Friday we found out we will be aunt/uncle x4 John's sister is pregnant with #4. We're so excited for them. I've always given them a hard time about when their children have been born (Nov, Dec, Jan)... Birthdays and Christmas gets difficult! This time they tried for a summer baby for me, but as I know OH SO WELL planning these things are not exactly EASY :0).
• A week and a half ago my cousin Dian had her first baby. A boy. She was delivered 49 minutes after getting into the delivery room. The little guy spent a few days in the NICU getting antibiotics for an infection (that he never actually got) but he's home now and everything is going well.
• A week ago my neighbor had her 3rd little boy. Yesterday we took them dinner. I got to spend a good 20 minutes holding this little guy (6lbs 5oz). John held him for a while too. He is so precious! We came home and I had a moment. I yelled "I want a baby!" John understood...I know he does... especially after our long chat the other day.

Last Friday we went to the temple. It was great to be there (even if I did cause ALL KINDS of problems!) I really wish we took more advantage of it being so close! A new goal to work on. Anyway, I really felt like I needed to talk to John about starting to save money for when he is done with school and we can try to have a baby again. We have at least two years (probably more). There are of course lots of things that are immediate or very near future needs or debts that need to be paid off ASAP. But by starting to save money we can eliminate the debt and be able to buy the new(at least to us) car that is in the very near future for us.

It shocked me when John kinda lost it when I brought all of this up. I guess he hasn't really thought about (like I have, since I think about it daily) the fact that we'd most likely have to resort to major medical interventions to have a baby. I don't know what he'd thought we'd go through... but from my wonderful blogging buddies...I know the road will be long and costly unless there is a miracle out there for us.

Our biggest misunderstanding was that he was freaking out about how we were going to make ends meet now if we were saving as much as I suggested for later...I of course took this wrong in the moment as "he wasn't willing to even give it a shot". Needless to say, now we understand each other and I'm not sure how we will proceed exactly, but I'm glad we got all of our feelings out in the open regardless. Because at least now I KNOW John knows how I feel and how I would like to proceed. Even if he still doesn't thing we're going to need as much 'help' as I do.

Moral of the story... talk about what you're thinking.

Show and Tell

Well, I've never done this before... but I thought I'd participate this week and share my top 5 from our recent San Diego trip. Be sure to check out what the rest of the class is showing.

#1. I LOVE this picture. Yes I took about 20 pictures of this lion to get this one but I think it was well worth it. I especially love the clouds.

#2 My favorite animals are pandas so here is my favorite picture I took of the pandas.

#3 Commerson dolphins are beautiful creatures.

#4 Flowers are my FAVORITE things to take pictures of and my little olympus does an awesome job! California Poppies (John's favorite flower) Some purple flower growing on a tree at the zoo, and what I'm calling the "Horton Hears a Who" Flower (sorry, I teach first grade).

#5 Amazing food at Old Town Mexican Cafe... It's all about FRESH (chips, salsa, and tortillas). The carnitas are the best.

As you can see we had a marvelous time in San Diego!

Want more pictures check out my slide shows on my personal blog reyeshouse.blogspot.com

Why I AM the Selfish One

I so appreciate all of your comments, e-mails, and concern! You guys are great! One comment really put into words what I was feeling and why I got so wound up about the one talk that said not having kids was selfish. I feel that ALL of the reasons I want kids are selfish reasons. So I thought I would share...

Somedays having kids and figuring out how to have them consume my every thought leaving no room to listen or carry on a conversation with anyone else.

Selfish.

During an argument with my husband I have been known to blame him for "making us wait to do more to have kids".

SELFISH!

I want kids because that's what I've always wanted.
I want kids because that's what I've always been told I was supposed to do.
I want kids so I don't get asked "Are you two EVER going to have kids?"
I want kids so when I tell people I've been married for 5 years they don't think I'm strange.
I want kids so my husband can be a dad. He's gonna be such a great dad!
I want kids to fulfill my purpose in life.
I want kids so I can love them.
I want kids so I can be a mom, they can call me mom, and I can have children.
I want kids so I can provide them with the best mortal experience possible.
I want to change diapers.
I want to see their faces smiling at me.
I want to potty train them.
I want to have to clean up after them after asking them to do it.
I want all of the things that so many mom's complain about (and no worries... I'll be complaining about them too).
I want kids so I can feel like an adequate person.
I want kids so our family can feel whole.

I feel like each of these is a selfish reason... all to fulfill what I want or need. Maybe that's why I was so annoyed... because really, my desire for children is selfish and consumes a large part of me each day. If only I really believed that having dogs was easier and a better way to go then I could let it go and I wouldn't be asking so much, then I really wouldn't be quite so selfish...right?

A Mostly Uplifting Weekend

Alright... let me just preface this by saying you're probably going to want to tell me "but that's not how it was meant." I know. I know I shouldn't be annoyed or offended by the things I'm going to discuss. I guess now I discuss this more as FYI rather than reacting to being annoyed/offended. So please if all you can manage to think of to say to me is "but you shouldn't take it that way" then don't bother commenting.

This weekend was General Conference for the LDS church. It is a weekend I love. The weekend always ends with me feeling uplifted and inspired. This year was no different. I have a greater understanding of many gospel principles and I was inspired to change a few things in my life so I can be the best me possible. After all, my husband deserves me to try my best to be the best I can be. Every talk had pieces that I related to, however two talks this year really stick out in my mind that struck a cord with me. They're underlying messages were quite similar, although the way they went about getting to the point were quite different.

The first message I want to talk about I felt was especially for me. It was about the love of our Savior and the fact that we are never alone because He is always with us. Although I may feel all by myself in my grief, loneliness, feelings of inadaquacy and failure, my Savior knows how I feel. His Atonement was for me, and me alone if need be. He suffered so He would know how I feel and be able to comfort me. This is something I believe wholeheartedly. I have felt His arms wrapped around me. I have felt His reassurance that I am not a failure because of my infertility. I know I am reason enough for His Atonement. I am so grateful for this knowledge. It is why I am able to continue on.

The next message was where I got annoyed... I guess because I often can be found to say the same thing as a way to explain myself to others that just don't seem to get INFERTILITY

This message started out with a story about a couple sitting on a plane discussing how they had decided not to have kids but to have dogs instead because the don't talk back, go to college, etc. The speaker went on to say how selfish he thought this was of this couple.

(Now let it be known... I LOVE Tuffy. He is my baby. I would do anything for him... and yes on occasion I even dress him up. I have also been known to explain our "choice," since that's what some people think us not having kids is, as simply "Dogs are so much easier, plus I have my First Graders." This has become my standard response because I have a lot (not all...some of you are amazing!) of family that haven't a clue as to what I'm going through nor do they seem to care. They just think we're selfish for not having kids I'm sure.)

The thought that went through my head the moment he said that was "He has no clue!" Which I'm sure he doesn't. However, his underlying message was the same... Our Savior loves us and died for us so that we could come to Earth to have this mortal experience. I understand that. I get his point from the w-h-o-l-e picture... I'm just sure that I would have gotten there a different way. Now granted if he knew the couple personally and if they were a couple fighting with infertility I'm sure his observations would have been different. But, we'll never know. It very well could have been John and I that was overheard.

However, I did get the "real" message I promise.

So I'm sure that this doesn't make much sense to most of you because it's not very cohesive. But I feel better writing it.

Bottom Line: Just know that when I say that my first graders and Tuffy keep me plenty busy... I'm lying through my teeth. There is nothing I want more than children to call my own.

Sick, more questions, and the 2002 surgery report

Well last Saturday I headed to the store to do some grocery shopping. By the time I got there I wasn't feeling very well. Half-way through our shopping trip I had to go sit down because I was feeling so nauseous and dizzy. Luckily the store we were at had a Starbucks in it and a place for me to sit down while I waited for John to finish shopping. within the 10-15 minutes I sat there I had the lady working at Starbucks and two store managers over asking me 100 questions. All of the questions had to deal with if I could be or was pregnant... That was a fun day... it ended with throwing up 12 times and not even being able to keep down any liquids. I honestly thought for a minute that I was headed for the ER. I thought it was just a 24 hour thing, but Monday, Tuesday, and especially Wednesday I got some really nauseous spells at school. On Wednesday I had to teach reading from a chair (which I hardly ever do). I don't know what's up. But it hasn't been back so I must not have been much of anything.

On Wednesday morning I finally called the Dr.'s office because the infection I had either never went away completely or it came back. I also wanted to ask them if my dizziness and naseousness could be caused by the inffection... they said no. After talking to one of the nurses they called in a scrip for me and hopefully this time it will go away...completely... otherwise I have to actually go back into the dr. again. The dr. himself actually called me at work as well. That was a real surprise since I have only ever met him once. But he called to let me know he tracked down the operation report from my first lap. There was endo but it was not sever and was scattered. Because of this report, the recent ultrasounds, and his suspicion that I have IBS we're going to hold off on the surgery for a couple of months.

Very Good Guidlines

I found this article today about guidlines if you have friends/family members suffering from infertility. I really appreciated what it had to say, and agreed with all that I read. So if you're wondering some of the things I've thought or appreciate when you say/don't say (even though I try to act fine) here ya go... http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie

So Much for Decision Making!

I got a call from the doctors office today. Apparently I never had a decision to make in the first place... Today I was told that the ultrasound didn't reveal any endomitrioma (which I didn't know they were looking for that or that it could be seen through an ultrasound). I was also told I was to stay the course with my BCP and add in the fiber supplements for at least 2 months before they would consider anything else... So all of that worrying and "are we making the right decision" questioning for nothing. So in the meantime I will be speaking with the insurance to see what this will cost if in 2 months that's where I'm at.

Finally a decision...

Well, we've made our decision. After a week of hardly seeing John at all, we finally had a chance to talk. We've decided I will have the laparoscapy. The Dr. said that after a lap he would like me to do Lupron anyway... so after we talk to our insurance (cause I definately choose the wrong package for me this year!) and talk to the Dr. then we will decide when all of this will happen. It may have to wait until next "year" (july/august) when we can change plans or if we're close enough to meet our deductible then we will just go ahead and hope I can do it during spring break so I won't have to miss anymore school. I feel really good about it, so now I can enjoy our vacation in San Diego!

Lupron or Laparoscapy? That is the question..

Well I have spent 5 hours in the doctors office over the last two days having all kinds of people asking all kinds of questions. I also had various things all up in my business... that's always painful (at least for me). Needless to say, today I'm exausted, because then I went back to work because there were no substitutes.

Yesterday I met with the nurse, found out I had an infection, and was told I needed to meet with the Dr. and have an ultrasound. On my way out I was making all of my appointments (which usually you schedule 3 weeks in advance for this office at least!) but they had both appointments open for today so I booked them.

My mom was in town, and I always like having another pair of ears in the room, so she came with me. I finally (after 3+years at this office) met the actual doctor. He's a great guy. He was very straight forward about my options and also talked about IBS being a big cause of alot of my discomfort... I've thought that for a while now. He also said that I have 4 options:

1. nothing (ok i'm a wimp I guess if some people can live through this with nothing)
2. birth control pills (aka continue what I'm already doing)
3. lupron with add back therapy
4. laparoscapy

He is also trying to get my records from my previous lap 7 years ago... We'll see what happens there. Unfortunately I was 18 at the time and was very out of it after surgery when they were telling me how it went. Plus my mom was clear across the country then (hence why I like lots of ears in the room).

So I don't know what we'll decide. What are your experiences? What would you do? What do you think I should do?

The greatest question... If only the answer were yes

So I love when you go to get a shot, see the doctor, make an appointment, or even a trip to the ER if you're a woman you get the "Is there a possibility you're pregnant?" question. I finally felt so bad at school today that during my prep I called the Dr. office and made an appointment. I go in on Monday, so we'll see how it goes. When the lady asked why I was coming it I told her I was in a lot of pain and that usually that is normal, but this was even worse than my normal. So her response was... is there any way you're pregnant. My response was "Now that would be a miracle..." Any other ways I should have answered that question?

Hopefully I can finally get some answers instead of being switched to a new BCP which is what they've been doing for the last few times I've seen them.

A Little about Me and my Journey so far...

I'm a 25 year old married first grade teacher.

I've know about endomitriosis since I was 14 and couldn't survive some days at school without doubling over in pain. I've also been on BCP since then. When I was 18 and across the country from my family things got worse, and I couldn't even get out of bed on some days. That is when I had my first trip to an RE. 4 months later I had laproscopic surgery, again, with my mom across the country. They found endomitriosis and cauterized all that they found. They told me I had a moderate case. I then went to taking 2 BCP a day and never having a period.

A year and a half later I was then married and wanted children so I stopped taking the BCP on my own without consulting a Dr. My thought was the RE had always said the best "treatment" for endomitriosis was to get pregnant. 4months later with AF never showing i headed back to the Dr. Of course this was just a regular OBGYN new insurance, old RE not on the new plan. I had all kinds of things done with this Dr. Hysterosalpinogram, ultrasounds, among other things that I can't remember what they were called. All on top of the Progesterone and Clomid. A year later there was still no glimpse at us getting close to having a baby. Just me gaining 20 pounds or so.

Also we were graduating college and moving to start new jobs. So I'm still not taking any BCP and go without AF for another 6 months and gaining another 40 pounds. Before finally going to the SCARIEST Dr. office I've ever been to. They run all kinds of blood tests and talk to me about diabetes. I never got the results of those test... I paid over $600 that I shouldn't have and never saw a result. So 3 months later I head to a more reputable Dr. (By this time my employer had switched insurances as well so coverage was great now!) At this Dr. appt I have all the same blood work done, and when the results come I have PCOS with some hormone levels higher than ever seen before at this office. So now it's a double whammy.

I don't realize it at the time, but you can't treat or manage both of these conditions at the same time. By treating one you're bound to make the other worse. I've been treating the PCOS for the last 4 years. So now it's been 7 years since my first laparoscopy and I'm back to being doubled over in public places, having a hard time getting out of bed, and we've added horrible headaches to the mix (I don't remember them from before).

I still haven't made a Dr. appointment, I just don't have the time, nor the energy to make lesson plans, find a sub, and oh yeah... actually call for an appointment. It's time like this I wish I worked at a job that you could call in sick for and not worry about how the day ensued without you.