Sunday, December 4, 2011
I don't want to cause hurt feelings by writing this, I'm not meaning to make anyone feel bad and I'm not blaming anyone or saying anyone causes/has caused me to loose my balance. This is just what happened this week in my world and I'm trying to make sense of it all and deal with myself.
I learned this week, that no matter how perfectly balanced I can have the infertility part of my life all wrapped up and put away in its own little package at one moment, it can all change in an instant. This week, it all came crashing down around me. I was blindsided on fac.ebook about yet another "We're pregnant!" and that gazillion congratulations and celebrations that ensued.
I'm thrilled for them, I really am. They've had a long, hard struggle with infertility themselves. I know all too well what they've been through.
I don't know what I was expecting from them or from me.
Maybe, I thought they'd call or send us a text message whenever this finally happened for them because they know how much this could hurt, because they've been there. Or maybe, I was expecting to have that feeling, you know the one, where you just KNOW someone is pregnant and it gives you a chance to deal with it and come to terms with it before being told, so by the time the person actually tells you, you can react appropriately.
I don't know why I had the reaction I did about the news, but I just bawled and bawled. I don't know what it was about their particular announcement that got to me; there have been several more pregnancy announcements, births, ultrasound, and maternity pictures plastered all over facebo.ok lately, none of which have bothered me. Maybe, it was just everything building and finally my well balanced package finally tipped over and spilled all of its contents.
Regardless, I'm still reeling from it. And, I'm bawling again just remembering all those feelings.
What I don't get is why, when my crap spills out of its package, I have to relive all of the contents all over as i pick up the pieces reviewing the same facts and lessons over again and again. I promise I get it. I get that my Heavenly Father loves me no matter what. I get that Heavenly Father has a plan for just me. I get that it has to be in His infinite wisdom when I come to understand his plan for me. I get that I have many other blessings and I should be grateful for them. I get that I need to stay close to Him to feel better. I promise I get it.
However, I really don't need to relive these lessons over and over again. It's painful and distressing. I just want to be done with this part of my life where everything I've worked so hard to deal with can resurface at any given moment. I want to move on already. Is that too much to ask?
Here's what I know... whether in the midst of a self-proclaimed pity party or when I'm level headed...
I will be okay if we never have our own biological children.
I will be okay if we never have ANY children at all.
I will not be okay if the only reasons we don't get to pursue either of the above options is because of our lack of money and/or our remote location.
Also, I really don't want advice, sympathy, and I especially don't want your pity, I just have to get this out.