Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Me: Hey, how are you doing?
SB(stupid boy): Hello! How are you?
Me: I'm loving life, everything is going really well.
SB So where are your kids then?
Me: I don't have any kids...Where are yours?
SB: Well wife just graduated, I changed my major...we don't have kids yet.
Me: Well, I have 17 first graders.
SB: They don't count.
SB continues talking I'm trying to not hit him... my sister is trying to change the subject with him... she's ready to hit him too.
Me:You know my standard response has become when Heavenly Father decides it's right for us to have kids we'll have them. (SB gives me a high five.)
SB: But that means you have to be listening (SB then slaps my husband on the arm who had been talking to someone else and tells him that he has to be listening)
Me: Well c-ya later
SB:Great to see you!
Me: Yeah, sure.
Somewhere in there I told his wife she was amazing for putting up with him (he's quite self absorbed and overly confident) plus from this conversation doesn't know what is his business and what isn't. I also called him Ryan to his wife...Totally not his actual name... and for a few minutes I didn't realize I had done it. lol. Oh well.
Needless to say this conversation infuriated me! Some people have such a warped sense of "how easy it is to get pregnant" you know the whole middle school safe sex talk "It only takes ONE time". Oh how I wish that were true.
I hope this kid learns some boundaries on what is appropriate to talk about and what isn't. But even after his unkind, rude words I wouldn't wish him to have to go through what I have.
I wish no one had to go through IF. The guilt alone for not being able to fulfill my life's purpose (self imposed thoughts no one else's fault) nor give my husband a child is devastating some days. Not to mention all of the other inadequacies, disappointments, failures, and let downs felt in this process.
The nice part of the evening was getting to see some REAL friends who asked how life was and were genuinely interested in my response even if children never came up in the conversation. Also seeing one of my long time friends who also has endo and her twins was a realy joy (It generated a lot of hope that when the time is right it will happen.)
So another weekend down! Luckily I get to pretend the dreaded upcoming holiday isn't happening this year (except when I call my own mother and maybe even send her some flowers or something). That is a huge relief!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
10 number of months we TTC with Dr. supervision and clomid
9 different brands of BCP since age 14
8 years ago I graduated high school.
7 years ago diagnosed with Endometriosis
6 years ago this June I got married :)
5 number of first grade classes I have taught
4 years ago I was diagnosed with PCOS (finally)
3 reasons I'm an aunt (4th on its way)
2 number of "new" pregnancies I was told about 'IRL' in the last week
1 westie Tuffy...my sweet puppy!
0 what we're doing now to TTC... everything is on hold until DH finishes school in 2 years.
Anything else you want to know, is it unclear? Let me know! I'm so thrilled to be part of this wonderful IF community. Thanks for including me!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
This is my Dad and I.
I was/am very much a daddy's girl always. I am the oldest and always found fun, comfort, and solace with my dad. We were very similar, quick temper, not very patient (with people who should know better) , but always loving, kind, and funny. His smile was the greatest! And being the cause for that smile was my ultimate goal in life... I hope I'm causing him to smile while he watches on from a much better place.
When he was first diagnosed with cancer (thanks to the dentist who noticed) the projection was great they could remove the part of the tongue with the cancer and life would go back to normal. He was ready and fought with all he had through 3 different types of cancer, at least that many major surgeries, several rounds of chemo, and radiation for months and months.
In March of 2007 we were told he was cancer free.
In May I got a phone call and was told the cancer was not only back but it was terminal. I flew home a week later...no one knew I was coming except my friend from high school that was picking me up from the airport, and my brother who I told at the last minute to leave a door open for me (I got in at midnight.).
The picture is from that weekend. It was Mother's Day weekend. My dad was so happy I was home. That is the last picture I have with my dad.
That Monday while I accompanied him to doctor's appointments and radiation he was in so much pain...and it was killing my mom's spirit too.
I returned home and my prayer changed... Please make him better or take him home with You where he won't be in so much pain.
On June 8, 2007 my brother in a panic called and woke us up at 6:00 telling me my dad was dying. 30 minutes later I spoke with my unbelievably calm mother who informed me that indeed he had passed away. Just 3 days before I would have gotten to see him again, he was gone.
I love my dad. I think about him every day. I know that he is happy and pain free where he is now. I also know that my family is a Forever Family and I will live with him again.
This year, I Relay for him. Please join me in supporting my brother's team Spark Hope and the American Cancer Society.
Be sure to check out what the rest of the class is showing.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
- Over Spring break I finished crochetting all of the baby afghans for my cousins that have had kids. They turned out really well especially the last one I did :)!
- Friday we found out we will be aunt/uncle x4 John's sister is pregnant with #4. We're so excited for them. I've always given them a hard time about when their children have been born (Nov, Dec, Jan)... Birthdays and Christmas gets difficult! This time they tried for a summer baby for me, but as I know OH SO WELL planning these things are not exactly EASY :0).
- A week and a half ago my cousin Dian had her first baby. A boy. She was delivered 49 minutes after getting into the delivery room. The little guy spent a few days in the NICU getting antibiotics for an infection (that he never actually got) but he's home now and everything is going well.
- A week ago my neighbor had her 3rd little boy. Yesterday we took them dinner. I got to spend a good 20 minutes holding this little guy (6lbs 5oz). John held him for a while too. He is so precious! We came home and I had a moment. I yelled "I want a baby!" John understood...I know he does... especially after our long chat the other day.
Last Friday we went to the temple. It was great to be there (even if I did cause ALL KINDS of problems!) I really wish we took more advantage of it being so close! A new goal to work on. Anyway, I really felt like I needed to talk to John about starting to save money for when he is done with school and we can try to have a baby again. We have at least two years (probably more). There are of course lots of things that are immediate or very near future needs or debts that need to be paid off ASAP. But by starting to save money we can eliminate the debt and be able to buy the new(at least to us) car that is in the very near future for us.
It shocked me when John kinda lost it when I brought all of this up. I guess he hasn't really thought about (like I have, since I think about it daily) the fact that we'd most likely have to resort to major medical interventions to have a baby. I don't know what he'd thought we'd go through... but from my wonderful blogging buddies...I know the road will be long and costly unless there is a miracle out there for us.
Our biggest misunderstanding was that he was freaking out about how we were going to make ends meet now if we were saving as much as I suggested for later...I of course took this wrong in the moment as "he wasn't willing to even give it a shot". Needless to say, now we understand each other and I'm not sure how we will proceed exactly, but I'm glad we got all of our feelings out in the open regardless. Because at least now I KNOW John knows how I feel and how I would like to proceed. Even if he still doesn't thing we're going to need as much 'help' as I do.
Moral of the story... talk about what you're thinking.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Somedays having kids and figuring out how to have them consume my every thought leaving no room to listen or carry on a conversation with anyone else.
During an argument with my husband I have been known to blame him for "making us wait to do more to have kids".
I want kids because that's what I've always wanted.
I want kids because that's what I've always been told I was supposed to do.
I want kids so I don't get asked "Are you two EVER going to have kids?"
I want kids so when I tell people I've been married for 5 years they don't think I'm strange.
I want kids so my husband can be a dad. He's gonna be such a great dad!
I want kids to fulfill my purpose in life.
I want kids so I can love them.
I want kids so I can be a mom, they can call me mom, and I can have children.
I want kids so I can provide them with the best mortal experience possible.
I want to change diapers.
I want to see their faces smiling at me.
I want to potty train them.
I want to have to clean up after them after asking them to do it.
I want all of the things that so many mom's complain about (and no worries... I'll be complaining about them too).
I want kids so I can feel like an adequate person.
I want kids so our family can feel whole.
I feel like each of these is a selfish reason... all to fulfill what I want or need. Maybe that's why I was so annoyed... because really, my desire for children is selfish and consumes a large part of me each day. If only I really believed that having dogs was easier and a better way to go then I could let it go and I wouldn't be asking so much, then I really wouldn't be quite so selfish...right?
Monday, April 6, 2009
Alright... let me just preface this by saying you're probably going to want to tell me "but that's not how it was meant." I know. I know I shouldn't be annoyed or offended by the things I'm going to discuss. I guess now I discuss this more as FYI rather than reacting to being annoyed/offended. So please if all you can manage to think of to say to me is "but you shouldn't take it that way" then don't bother commenting.
This weekend was General Conference for the LDS church. It is a weekend I love. The weekend always ends with me feeling uplifted and inspired. This year was no different. I have a greater understanding of many gospel principles and I was inspired to change a few things in my life so I can be the best me possible. After all, my husband deserves me to try my best to be the best I can be. Every talk had pieces that I related to, however two talks this year really stick out in my mind that struck a cord with me. They're underlying messages were quite similar, although the way they went about getting to the point were quite different.
The first message I want to talk about I felt was especially for me. It was about the love of our Savior and the fact that we are never alone because He is always with us. Although I may feel all by myself in my grief, loneliness, feelings of inadaquacy and failure, my Savior knows how I feel. His Atonement was for me, and me alone if need be. He suffered so He would know how I feel and be able to comfort me. This is something I believe wholeheartedly. I have felt His arms wrapped around me. I have felt His reassurance that I am not a failure because of my infertility. I know I am reason enough for His Atonement. I am so grateful for this knowledge. It is why I am able to continue on.
The next message was where I got annoyed... I guess because I often can be found to say the same thing as a way to explain myself to others that just don't seem to get INFERTILITY
This message started out with a story about a couple sitting on a plane discussing how they had decided not to have kids but to have dogs instead because the don't talk back, go to college, etc. The speaker went on to say how selfish he thought this was of this couple.
(Now let it be known... I LOVE Tuffy. He is my baby. I would do anything for him... and yes on occasion I even dress him up. I have also been known to explain our "choice," since that's what some people think us not having kids is, as simply "Dogs are so much easier, plus I have my First Graders." This has become my standard response because I have a lot (not all...some of you are amazing!) of family that haven't a clue as to what I'm going through nor do they seem to care. They just think we're selfish for not having kids I'm sure.)
The thought that went through my head the moment he said that was "He has no clue!" Which I'm sure he doesn't. However, his underlying message was the same... Our Savior loves us and died for us so that we could come to Earth to have this mortal experience. I understand that. I get his point from the w-h-o-l-e picture... I'm just sure that I would have gotten there a different way. Now granted if he knew the couple personally and if they were a couple fighting with infertility I'm sure his observations would have been different. But, we'll never know. It very well could have been John and I that was overheard.
However, I did get the "real" message I promise.
So I'm sure that this doesn't make much sense to most of you because it's not very cohesive. But I feel better writing it.
Bottom Line: Just know that when I say that my first graders and Tuffy keep me plenty busy... I'm lying through my teeth. There is nothing I want more than children to call my own.
On Wednesday morning I finally called the Dr.'s office because the infection I had either never went away completely or it came back. I also wanted to ask them if my dizziness and naseousness could be caused by the inffection... they said no. After talking to one of the nurses they called in a scrip for me and hopefully this time it will go away...completely... otherwise I have to actually go back into the dr. again. The dr. himself actually called me at work as well. That was a real surprise since I have only ever met him once. But he called to let me know he tracked down the operation report from my first lap. There was endo but it was not sever and was scattered. Because of this report, the recent ultrasounds, and his suspicion that I have IBS we're going to hold off on the surgery for a couple of months.