Sunday, December 4, 2011
I don't want to cause hurt feelings by writing this, I'm not meaning to make anyone feel bad and I'm not blaming anyone or saying anyone causes/has caused me to loose my balance. This is just what happened this week in my world and I'm trying to make sense of it all and deal with myself.
I learned this week, that no matter how perfectly balanced I can have the infertility part of my life all wrapped up and put away in its own little package at one moment, it can all change in an instant. This week, it all came crashing down around me. I was blindsided on fac.ebook about yet another "We're pregnant!" and that gazillion congratulations and celebrations that ensued.
I'm thrilled for them, I really am. They've had a long, hard struggle with infertility themselves. I know all too well what they've been through.
I don't know what I was expecting from them or from me.
Maybe, I thought they'd call or send us a text message whenever this finally happened for them because they know how much this could hurt, because they've been there. Or maybe, I was expecting to have that feeling, you know the one, where you just KNOW someone is pregnant and it gives you a chance to deal with it and come to terms with it before being told, so by the time the person actually tells you, you can react appropriately.
I don't know why I had the reaction I did about the news, but I just bawled and bawled. I don't know what it was about their particular announcement that got to me; there have been several more pregnancy announcements, births, ultrasound, and maternity pictures plastered all over facebo.ok lately, none of which have bothered me. Maybe, it was just everything building and finally my well balanced package finally tipped over and spilled all of its contents.
Regardless, I'm still reeling from it. And, I'm bawling again just remembering all those feelings.
What I don't get is why, when my crap spills out of its package, I have to relive all of the contents all over as i pick up the pieces reviewing the same facts and lessons over again and again. I promise I get it. I get that my Heavenly Father loves me no matter what. I get that Heavenly Father has a plan for just me. I get that it has to be in His infinite wisdom when I come to understand his plan for me. I get that I have many other blessings and I should be grateful for them. I get that I need to stay close to Him to feel better. I promise I get it.
However, I really don't need to relive these lessons over and over again. It's painful and distressing. I just want to be done with this part of my life where everything I've worked so hard to deal with can resurface at any given moment. I want to move on already. Is that too much to ask?
Here's what I know... whether in the midst of a self-proclaimed pity party or when I'm level headed...
I will be okay if we never have our own biological children.
I will be okay if we never have ANY children at all.
I will not be okay if the only reasons we don't get to pursue either of the above options is because of our lack of money and/or our remote location.
Also, I really don't want advice, sympathy, and I especially don't want your pity, I just have to get this out.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
And I swear if your advice is get over myself, I may hurt you if you don't tell me how to get over myself with detailed, step-by-step directions.
Monday, October 17, 2011
- my mom sold our house of 16 years
- my family moved
- my brother and his wife welcomed their sweet baby girl into the world and decided to head to college for culinary school (and b/c he's so awesome he got accepted to the top two schools in the country!)
- my youngest brother went through the temple for the first time
- my mom now lives 30 minutes away :)
My house has not seen any sort of cleaning in forever. I currently have pieces to my childhood table and my mom's bed set scattered throughout my house. I have NO Halloween decorations up, and I LOVE Halloween! One of these days life will settle down, I'll put all my furniture together, and clean my house. Not this week though, report cards and parent teacher conference... here I come!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
In other news, I'm also trying to find some motivation and the time to get back to blogging more. John's taking two classes this semester (english and educational psych.) which require a lot of writing. I'm trying to go through the process to become a national board certified teacher (read a hundred typed pages of me analyzing myself and every decision I make throughout 3 different lessons/units with supporting artifacts and documentation and video). So needless to say, the computer is often used, but not so much for blogging, OBVIOUSLY!
I vow to attempt to be better. I'm still reading all of your blogs and I'm on twitter to check in every so often. I miss the community you all helped me create here. I don't want to loose it. Stick around until April 1 when all my national board stuff has to be turned in, okay!
Monday, July 18, 2011
- Great cortisol levels (possibly even a little low in the morning) means no cushing's disease/syndrome which means no tumor, no surgery, no radiation!
- Great sugar numbers means no diabetes... even right after drinking the nasty orange drink they were within normal range! Meaning years of met.formin has done what its supposed to do, however I did go off the metf.ormin for 4 days prior to getting my blood drawn. (also if anyone can tell me in normal people terms what exactly met.formin does, I'd greatly appreciate it!)
- normal thyroid, estrogen
- super high testosterone(I'm at the high end for guys which is 100 times more that what a girl should have) ... this confirms PCOS which my RE calls excess androgen syndrome (which he did the research making this a disease/syndrome... so he knows lots about it and since he doesn't call it PCOS is the reason why I never remembered him saying I had PCOS... it all makes sense now!)
- my 17 Hydroxyprogesterone number was also really high... which means I could have had multiple follicles ready to ovulate. Huge since that's my biggest obstacle.
Friday, July 1, 2011
WOW! So much has happened this week... I'm having a hard time even processing it all, and that it's only been a week. If I got this much done in any "normal" week my house would be spotless, I'd be an excellent cook, I'd bake cookies for all my neighbors, and I'd have 3 jobs!
Monday morning we drove to Salt Lake (usually at least 5 hours from our house) to see the RE. We got to the office in record time, 4 hours and 45 minutes!!! So we were at least 1 hour early for our actual appointment. This was a very good thing, because when we got there... the RE's office was no longer in that building. I tried calling their office and it was doing some weird ring. So I go in and ask at the pharmacy in the medical building we were at and they tried calling and it did the same thing to them. But they told me where they thought the office was. I looked up the hospital, called them, and got connected. Lucky for me, we figured out where we needed to go and it was only a few miles away.
When we finally got there... we waited for 1 1/2 hours... I guess it's not always good to be so early ;) That evening the RE took my history, explained some things to us we were concerned about, like the possibility of a uterine abnormality, and finally asked how we were handling all this emotionally (that's when I finally lost it, cause you know I can't lie). But I did pretty well. Relatively speaking. By the time we were done, the office was closed and all the office staff had gone home, the lights were all out, and we were locked in. lol Needless to say, if for no other reason than to feel understood, for the first time, with all of our concerns, was well worth the drive!
That night we headed back to stay with my aunt and uncle. It is always a pleasure to be in their company and they were so gracious to let us stay with them with only a day's notice. If you read this, Thanks again!!!
The next afternoon we headed back to Salt Lake for the exam portion of the RE appointments. It was of course uncomfortable, but not nearly as bad as it used to be back before he did my laparoscopy and found/got rid of my endo, so that was wonderful to me. After noticing some various things, the RE reported that he things I have cushing's disease/syndrome. I just found this website, but all ready it's much more helpful than anything else I've read. It's scary... the words that keep zipping through my brain are MRI, tumor, surgery, radiation. I know that this is not even a diagnosis yet (because that in and of itself is hard to get), however, after reading what I have read... I have almost ALL of the symptoms. (One of which is difficulty remembering things...now I have a possible legitimate cause!)
I'll write a seperate post about what we're doing moving forward, later.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
1 abnormal and excruciatingly painful HSG $150
23 chiropractor appointments FREE (remind me to tell you that story if I haven't already. MOST AMAZING PEOPLE EVER!)
5 rounds of Clo.mid=35 pills $100 (2 rounds 50 mg 3 rounds 100mg)
2 rounds of Prov.era (back to back)=20 pills $40
30 ovulation predictor sticks peed on only 1 smiley face (and yeah... totally skipped testing one cycle and half of another...) $60
4 negative pregnancy tests (all in a span of 2 weeks) $30
2 doctors appointments
Countless missed phone calls and hours playing phone tag
and more emotional roller coasters
Tomorrow is the day... I knew it was coming to this, we probably would've been smarter to have taken the referral 6 months ago... but tomorrow is the day we get a referral to a specialist. We haven't decided where we'll go yet. Maybe north to Salt Lake City (5 hours away) where I had my first lap 9 years ago, or possibly Vegas (2 hours) it is after all the closest...or we've talked about staying in state and going to Phoenix (7 hours) and using doctors we've met at RESOLVE functions, or even going to LA (6 hours) where at the Southwest Family Building Conference hosted by resolve we totally made light of our situation. I'm so torn. I have no idea what decision we'll actually make. I'm beginning to think that its just not worth it. It might not work anyway, we don't have the money to move forward wherever we go. But we have to... we have to keep going. I have to keep going. I have to know once and for all what it will take, if its even humanly possible for my body to do what it's supposed to. If its capable, and what all is actually wrong with me.
I'm thankful tomorrow is finally here... now hopefully I won't leave you all hanging for another 6 months! Thanks for sticking around. Thanks for still being supportive even though I'm a lame blogger.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
I have a doctors appointment today. I thought it was next Tuesday. I'm not emotionally prepared for this. I keep meaning to e-mail her (the nurse). I keep meaning to say all the things I want to say in an e-mail, but apparently that is not to be. Hopefully I can be strong, stick up for myself. Tell them that I'm not okay to keep trying with the ever looming "reccurent loss" possibility over my head. When I thought it was next week, my mom was going to come since she's in town. Unfortunately she has pnemonia so I'll be by myself.
Anyway, more soon, once I digest everything...
Monday, February 28, 2011
So... first these were the results of the giveaway...
The winner of the $35 gift certificate to CSN Stores is ....
I would like Paula Dean's Cookware in blue.
The winner has been e-mailed and has 24 hours to claim their prize. Congratulations!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
I've taken a break from ICLW officially for the last several months. However, I've still been clicking over to the list and commenting on some blogs. I've learned google reader keeps me caught up on my reading, but not so caught up on my commenting. SO I'm going to try and fix that this month.
Here's a little about where we're at right now.
- Officially TTC again after a 6 year break...
- me not on BCP=psychotic version of me on most days
- HSG in December shows signs of Uterine abnormality unsure of what exactly... told it could be arcuate, bicornuate, or septate. My OBGYN is assuming arcuate and not looking into it any further. (will be asking for further testing because WE NEED TO KNOW)
- Currently on Prov.era/Cl.omid protocol... but haven't had to take the Prover.a! (HUGE miracle!)
- CD 21 (averaging 34)
- Round 2 of Cl.omid this time around (Did 3 or 4 rounds in 03-04)
- Headed to Scottsdale to participate in RESOLVE's Walk of Hope March 6th.
- Have the BEST support system ever! (Could be because I've told everyone whether they wanted to know or not)
- CSN Stores is allowing me to give a $35 gift code away, go enter!
My principal often states how she is reminded of my slogan for this year and it encourages her to keep going. I live this minute by minute sometimes!
"Fake it, 'til you make it!"
I'm shocked by how good of a show I'm beginning to be able to put on!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
So, now that you've checked out the huge variety of things CSN Stores has to offer, I bet you can't wait to win a $35* gift certificate!
Here's how you enter: Each one of these that you do will get you an entry, just be sure to leave a separate comment for each of them! Also, make sure I can find your e-mail address on your profile or include it in your comment. (You want to know if you won, right?)
•Look around CSN Stores and tell me what you would use your $35* gift card towards.
•Follow me and CSN Stores on twitter.
•Tweet about the giveaway (you can do this once per day).
•Be a blog follower, subscribe to my blog, or add me to your blogroll.
This giveaway will be open until 11:59 MST on Sunday February 27, 2011. I will announce the winner Monday the 28th after school.
*sorry about the misprint... just recieved the code and its for $35 gift certificate!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
In miracle related news... I didn't have to take the crazy pills AGAIN! Thank heavens, because once you reach the end of this post, can you imagine having to read what I would've written if I HAD taken them!?!?!
I can think of many wonderful times in my life that I'd liked to have lived in forever. Most aren't even big things, everyday ordinary moments that just epitomize why I generally love my life. I've had many of these moments this year even though its only the 33rd day of the year. Small things like
- fresh snow
- the sun coming up in the morning during the summer and John and I signing the line "here comes the sun"
- Gerber daisies
- snuggling with Tuffaroo
- sunsets whether on the beach or on my back porch
- playing games with family or friends
- spending time with those who mean the most to me
oh the list is endless! Seriously I'm thinking of so many that I can't write any one more...
However the last 33 days I've felt the overwhelming pressure of LIFE in general and the following question won't leave mt head...
Can I please be excused from life as I know it at this exact moment?
I don't know if I'm OK. I keep saying I am. But as even my principal knows, my motto is "Fake it 'til you make it!" So when do I stop faking? Or have I gotten so good at faking that now that's the real me? I just don't want to put the effort into anything lately... That's not to say I'm not putting in the effort, because frankly I think I'm pouring even more of myself into each thing I do since I don't want to do it in the first place. I just don't care.
I honestly wish they'd fire me from my job so I could be home all day not having to do anything... (of course then i wouldn't have a home b/c I couldn't afford it!) School is awful. It's so draining. I almost hate walking in the building. Between my 'darling' (read obnoxious between the lines) students and the "clark county folk" (what I call all the new people around since that's all they seem to hire these days) oh and don't forget all the other drama seekers that are STILL around (because heaven forbid they be the ones that leave), I can't catch a break. John's not exempt either. Usually he's my rock, my calm, but they're even getting to him. We both came home today utterly spent, ready to quit. I even offered to slug someone and get fired, but John said he wasn't okay with that. (I TOTALLY would do it too!)
So now that I've vented, and am thinking how psychotic I must sound, I'm finding my heating pad, and Tuffy and I are being couch potatoes.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
I'm so excited! The first Saturday in March, the 5th, John and I are headed to Scotssdale to walk in the Walk of Hope. Please join us if you can! Can't come? You can still help me reach my fundraising goal of $200.00 for RESOLVE INC. (the national infertility association)
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
It's amazing what perspective does for me. I'm very much a reactive person. I don't think, I just do, feel, say whatever immediately. Over the last several years, I've tried to change this about myself because I generally felt regret and guilt over my reactions.
So last Monday, after I received the fax of the report and was feeling sorry for myself and my friend asked how I was and I replied, "awful right now, but once I go home and find some perspective in the grand scheme of things, I'll be fine and tomorrow is a new day."
I've come A LONG way people!
Howard Glasser, the famous ADHD specialist and psychologist, came to our little school district for a presentation Friday. He was discussing his various philosophies and I latched on to his ideas about why children LOVE video games. Needless to say, its a control-boundaries-rewards thing. They have control, concrete boundaries, and constant rewards for little achievements (coins, tickets, etc). It hit me in that moment, as he's explaining why it's so addicting for them, that I've been the "little kid" and addicted this last week. I got Epic Mickey for Christmas (thanks Kami!) I LOVE IT! It all made perfect sense since I have no control over seemingly any part of my life lately as to why I would love playing silly video games for HOURS at a time. (Especially since John is NEVER home on weeknights) I can control the character. I know the rules and what happens if I break them. Plus I love the praise, praise, praise! Needless to say, big AH HA moment, and explanation for my latest obsession!
Howard was also a huge inspiration for me in dealing with my students. Can I just say, today was SO.MUCH.BETTER! Hallelujah! The Nurtured Hear approach works, even if you don't have it perfected yet. I mean for heaven sake, I had a student apologize to me for his behavior today... SHOCKING!
Overall, while exhausted, I feel much better about life in general.
When I hear back about what the plan is for going forward in dealing with my arcuate/septated/bicornuate uterus I'll let you know the plans.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
I'm not reacting well. I'm not dealing with other's well. At the moment I'm ready to strangle a lady from church who has so many issues I can't wrap my head around it. I came home from a meeting screaming and crying and frustrated... needless to say, I just e-mailed the ladies and took myself off the committee. I can't hold it all together. And no poor old lady needs to be lashed out at because she's an idiot and on any other day I could probably handle her.
All will be ok... but that 15 lbs I'd lost since august? all this ice cream and oreos i'm eating is going to negate that too.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
I realized on Christmas that I would need to start the Prome.trium the following Monday. This meant that I had to take a pregnancy test, too. It was awful buying it. It was even more awful taking it. I knew it was a waste of time and money. I also knew it was a waste of my emotional reserve, but the lady at the pharmacy at Costco said they would ask me before giving me the pro.metrium if I was pregnant. So I had to take one.
Taking a pregnancy test that you know is going to be negative is awful. because just in the act of taking it means there has to be some hope. Ugh! Way more emotional control needed then I had that morning. Luckily at 6:00 in the morning on a day off I was the only one up and could deal with it by myself and I had already warned John not to ask me about it.
Of course Cost.co pharmacy is closed on Sunday so I left a long message. They pharmacist was laughing about my message Monday morning during our 'consult'. (I could have educated him better than he did me!)
The best Christmas gift I gave my husband this year though was that my body did what it was supposed to and I didn't have to take the crazy pills! Which is a very good thing since I already was yelling at him for eating ice cream the wrong way! Holy cow, batman! Can you even imagine the craziness that would have ensued had the crazy pills been used?
We headed back to school and I had my follow up appointment on Monday, where i waited for an hour in the waiting room. They were so behind, but it wasn't a big deal. She was impressed with my 7lb weight loss over thanksgiving, Christmas, and new years(although I was disappointed because I knew it was more b4 last weeks binge!) She was also very optimistic about this working for us. She made sure to give me meds for my infection(yup the same one I thought I had a month ago) that would be "out of my system before conception because it isn't approved to be used in the first trimester". Also of course giving me the whole "it takes regular people about a year so don't let negative pg tests get you down" lecture. SO I don't know, I left feeling very hopeful.
Until I got a block away... and realized I FORGOT to ask about my thyroid and HSG results while I was there. I feel like SUCH an idiot! I can't believe I forgot that was the MAIN reason I even went to the appointment and didn't cancel! John's upset because he thinks she should have remembered, especially after my research since Monday. (warning: if you read that information, don't ask me about it in person unless we're not in public and you're ok with me crying like a baby. I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it without bursting into tears, since that's what I do just thinking about it). When I showed it to John I can tell he feels just as defeated as I do. If it's not one thing its another. However, if a simple surgery will fix it, and that's indeed what I have, then WHY OH WHY can't we just do it and get it over with? I feel really sick to my stomach. Because it's looking like even if by some miracle we do actually get pregnant, only 10% of pregnancies end with a living baby when you have a septate uterus. (if I'm reading that right)
Anyway, clomid started last Saturday... that's also when I bought my very first OPK (whole story by itself) can we say expensive? And for the record... why is there so much peeing involved in getting/being pregnant? Using the bathroom is such a pet peeve of mine. If I could have someone else do it for me, I totally would! So, off we go!