Wednesday, December 22, 2010

100 year flood?

Let me tell you a story about a little town in Northwestern Arizona called Beaver Dam. We're a small little town. We're not on the map. If we want mail to go to our Post Office we have to use the name of the even smaller town 2 miles away. 5 years and 50 weeks ago we had a devastating flood. It took out the bridge, stranding residents unless they wanted to travel 2 hours on a dirt, poorly maintained road. It cause us to miss a week of school and have another month with only 3 hours of school a day because students had to take a 3 hour bus ride each way. It kept mail from being sent or delivered. I knocked out power to the entire town. Many people lost their homes, hundreds more were flooded, and the local gas station they were making bigger and better lost all the land they were going to build on.

Because of that flood, which they called a "100 year flood", they (whomever they are) built an erosion fence in much of the wash (think weird steal poles and wire X looking things, AKA the Beaver Dam demilitarized zone) where the usually non-existent Beaver Dam Creek flows. They also built a new bridge (they started in April and still need to finish little things like final paving and the sidewalk.) They redid the power lines so that they weren't down in the wash.

This story continues 5 years and 50 weeks, almost to the day, after that flood. December 21, 2010.

Well if you've been watching the national news lately or local news if you live in AZ, NV, or UT; then you've seen pictures of a house falling into a raging river in a little town called Beaver Dam in Northwestern AZ. That house is about a mile and a half downstream from me. That raging river is usually a dry span of earth for most of the year with sometimes a trickle from underground streams. Things went from awful yesterday, to MUCH, MUCH better this morning after very little rain last night. (so much better that water flow in the wash was down at least several feet from the day before. Then the steady downpour from 10-12 o'clock made things much trickier in the early afternoon. By 2 it was hardly raining and calming back down somewhat and come 6 this evening the downpour started again.

The wash is now full from bank to bank. It literally sounds like Niagara falls if you're standing in my back yard. We can now even hear it in the house, with the TV going. The water is rising steadily and not expected to crest until tomorrow morning because of the continuance of the rain.

So a mile and a half downstream has been mostly destroyed/damaged and they just asked people a mile upstream to be prepared to evacuate. My good friend stopped by in a panic, leaving her drums in my garage.

I'm nervous. We have friends with significant damage to their homes or land. Our friends that evacuated may loose their whole house. Before they left, the flooding had already taken the back wall of their neighbor's house across the street.

We most likely will be just fine. We probably have about 4-6 more feet for the river to rise before we are in real danger. Our neighbors out the back put a trailer to divert water where it was eroding earlier. It seems to be holding for now. But IT'S STILL RAINING!

I've alerted my family, that the only reason I will call them is if something is wrong. I said "If you don't hear from me, we're fine and sleeping."

Regardless, I'm off to pack up pictures and valuables and a suitcase just in case.

5 years and 50 weeks... Some 100 year flood, eh?

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

What I Knew, What I Forgot, and What I Know Now

I've realized multiple times over the past 21 days how much I take for granted. I really seem to not get 'how good I've got it' until it's over.

21 days ago I knew:
  • going off the birth control pills I would feel different. (I warned people remember?)
  • it would most likely be physically painful most days.
  • I act like a real jerk, a lot, without the aide of hormonal regulation. (Hello, 4 days a month is enough!)
  • I might not be ready for this whole process to start again yet.
Also, I remembered, albeit only vaguely, how off I get emotionally without them to regulate my hormones.

However...I had forgotten:
  • how much pain, and the severity of said pain, I lived with everyday!
  • how moody I get at the drop of a hat. (Talk about emotional roller coaster, Batman!)
  • how hard it is sometimes to not jump down someones throat (read third grader, co-worker, family member, heck ANY LIVING THING) because they looked at me the wrong way.
  • how much people bug me. Just there being people around me. At ALL.
  • what a strain me not having my hormones regulated puts on my husband. He knew it was coming, but I think he forgot the gravity and swiftness of the process. I can tell by the look on his face how hurt and confused, yet trying to be understanding, he is. Especially when all he wants to do is be close to me and for me to want to be close to him.
  • how much I don't know how to control 'this' version of me.
  • how much I hate myself for thinking and saying the things I've been thinking and saying the last 21 days.
I don't know how i survived teaching for the two years before I went back on the birth control pills. HONESTLY! The phrase often running through my head or being muttered under my breath is "stupid children". Not a very good sentiment to have as a teacher!

So going forward... how do I do this?

Here's what I know now.
  • I have to constantly talk myself down off the ledge.
  • I have to be willing to walk away from any conversation, TV show, commercial, meeting, etc when I reach the ledge and I can't talk myself down anymore.
  • I don't have to be social. AT ALL. Unless I want to.
  • I MUST find some people that will put up with me to surround myself with that understand but will keep me in line.
  • Ignoring is the best option I have with third graders. None of this is their fault, they're children, and not perfect either.
  • If this is anything like how my mother felt every day when I was growing up, I'm so sorry she had 5 crazy kids to wrangle!

Most of all, I know that life like this, feeling like this, isn't worth it. If we don't get this going here soon, I'm done. I'm not strong enough to keep up the smiling "fake it 'til you make it" facade. There's already cracks in it and it is crumbling quickly. There are other ways for us to have a family if we choose. We also know if we, John and I, are the only ones in "our" family we'll be okay with that.

Is it bad that I already want to throw in the towel, give up my white flag, and surrender? I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this. We haven't even gotten to the Pro.vera beast yet! Heaven help John!

Friday, December 10, 2010

HSG and Thyroid update

So I finally called to get my thyroid level test results. They came back at 3.8. I don't really know what that means, they said it was normal. But for the little research I did throughout the Internet it appears that it might be a little high. So I don't know what that will mean in the long run since my current Dr. thinks its normal.

Also, way back on the 1st I had my HSG (hysterosalpinogram) done. Remind me, next time, that when the Dr. offers stronger pain meds... TAKE THEM! It was awful! Seriously, one of the most painful 10 minutes of my life in recent years. I had it done 6 years ago, and I KNOW it wasn't as painful as it was this time. I waited this long to post about it hoping I'd know the results and what they mean, but alas, they never called me back to explain in normal words what it all means. Basically, what I gathered from all of the medical jargon was that my right tube has scarring, but it's still open (which i'm not quite sure how that works or what it will mean going forward.) Also, I have some uterine abnormalities... i don't remember what they called it. Hopefully, I'll get some "all of this means" information here soon. The receptionist that read me all of the results said the Dr. or Nurse at the office would call me either way, whatever that means.

Overall, nothing too productive. A lot of "up in the air"ness. I think that's what I hate most about this crazy roller coaster.

Friday, December 3, 2010


So on the way home from our appointment we discussed who we were telling and who we weren't telling that we were trying again. Many people in our day to day lives are close friends and know about our infertility issues. We ultimately decided it was an all or none kind of thing after the 'who we should tell' list kept getting longer. The major reason for this is that Pro.vera makes me a psycho! My sister had called earlier and I returned her call when we were almost home and she was the lucky first to know. It was good to get it out there.

I told our principal on Wednesday and she was SO supportive saying wonderful words of encouragement. I also told her I felt like I really needed to let the rest of the staff know what was going on. She insisted that I didn't have to tell them and she'd just stick up for me and make excuses if needed... but if you know me at all, you know excuses are a HUGE pet peeve! I told a few of my co-workers because I had to tell someone else (and my mom wouldn't answer the phone, so she still doesn't know). Then at a faculty meeting I told everyone through tears that we were trying again. I also told them how the meds make me crazy, and to feel free to ask questions about the process or procedures, and be sure to tell me to go hide in my room when I was unbearable. They were so excited for us and they have all been SO supportive.

I've been pleasantly surprised at the lack of "infertility clueless" comments I've gotten... although that may have something to do with the fact that I told them if they told me to "just relax and it will happen" I might cause them physical harm. That doesn't mean I haven't heard some though! I was offered some unsolicited advice... I should have politely declined when I had the chance. She said I should name my 'psycho Pro.vera induced side' and talk badly about it and tell it to go away. It was very interesting.

In addition to my co-workers, we are also sharing the news in our Christmas letter. I know so many family members who suffer or have suffered from infertility that I just can't pretend like it's not happening to us anymore. Also, I have some very opinionated family members that think John and I are selfish for not having children yet and also think I shouldn't be so "career minded and focus more on growing my family" (direct quote from an uncle of mine). So we figured, the more prayers out there for us the better and we were going to be open, honest, and frank about the situation.

I have to say, this is the most freeing thing I've my life! I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner. If I would have known how much better I would feel after letting it go and "sharing" this burden of ours, I would have done it YEARS ago.

If only i could figure out how/what to tell my third graders that is age level appropriate to explain my wild mood swings... my life would be a piece of cake!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Trying Again

Well, after almost 6 years of trying to maintain the Endo, being diagnosed with PCOS and trying to maintain that, being scared, being scarred, and finally coming to terms with and accepting the fact that children may never be a part of our family; we're trying again!!

To be honest, we're not really sure how we ended up here, but we feel really good about it, whatever the outcome may be. John's decided he's doing this because he wants definitive answers. I of course am WAY more hopeful and optimistic that the end result of all of this may be what we've been waiting for.

Here's a little back story as to what's been going on and lead us to now.

We discussed trying again at length before my yearly appointment, but never came to a decision, it just didn't feel right, either way. While at that appointment, at the end of October, I asked a couple of questions about what trying again would look like (since there's no RE's for at least 100 miles) but nothing concrete. She put me on some meds to help me loose weight and said that have to be monitored every month. Also on the way out she mentioned that because of some things I said, I should probably have my thyroid checked.

So for the last month, I've been taking my new meds and having all of the lovely side effects mentioned in the information packet. Including having rare, but extreme, dizzy spells. So as we neared the follow up appointment I asked John to come with me since I knew the thyroid test would = blood drawn. (Drawing blood ALWAYS makes me super dizzy and I wanted to make it back home in 1 piece) So, last Monday, I shoved all my students on their buses and told John to "Fly like the wind, Bullseye!" as we raced to make it to the appointment on time. (for the record we were 5 minutes late, and I did call and tell them, they laughed at me!)

When we got in the room and started discussing my current meds, side effects, how it's working, and all of a sudden we were talking about how aggressive (aka some sort of progesterone supplement and clomid) we wanted to start out. I don't even remember who asked first or how it came up. We had not planned any of it, and somehow we walked out of the office with 4 different prescriptions and 3 different orders for tests.

So I have 3 BC pills left and then, off we go!

Monday, September 6, 2010


I'm not really sure where I'm wanting this particular blog to go, or what I want to do with it. I feel like it's not really part of who I am at the moment. So, I won't be posting here for a while, until I figure it out, or feel like infertility is a paramount characteristic again. Until then, feel free to follow me over here. I'm doing the 30 day blog challenge that so many of you are participating in!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Long time no see!

Ok, well that's not exactly true. I've been "seeing" all of you and keeping up with what each of you are up to, but I have been MIA on both my blogs. I don't know how much longer my break will be. But know that I'm thinking of and praying for each of you where ever you're at on your journey.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Giveaway Winner

Hey everybody! Thanks for entering my first giveaway. I hope I did everything right! I'm so thankful to CSN Stores for hosting it!

The winner of the $40 gift certificate is

Congratulations! I can't wait to see what you get!

I used to generate the winner. I tried for an hour yesterday to download some screencapture software to take a picture of the results but it just wasn't working. Then when I was at Eclipse, John had issues with the computer and had to restart it, so you'll just have to trust me! Anyone have any screencapture software that works, is easy, free, and reliable?

Thanks to everyone who entered! This was REALLY fun!

Thursday, June 24, 2010


Giveaway now closed :)

So, do you remember when we got to review a set of caphalon pans from CSN Stores? Well, Ashley has contacted me again and has offered to giveaway a $40 gift certificate to one of my readers! Maybe you can use it towards the purchase of one of these fabulous platform beds or find something else among their family of 200+ online stores.

I am so thrilled about CSN Stores hosting my very first giveaway! Working with them previously was quick, efficient, and easy. They also deliver fantastic, high quality products at a bargain! You can be sure that the meals John makes out of our caphalon pans are delicious and since he read and follows the "clean up instructions" these pans will last FOREVER!

So here's how you enter... each one of these that you do will get you an entry, just be sure to leave a separate comment for each of them, with your e-mail!

  • Look around CSN Stores and tell me what you would use your $40 gift card towards
  • Follow me and CSN Stores on twitter
  • Tweet about the giveaway, you can do this once per day.
  • Be a blog follower, subscribe to my blog, or add me to your blogroll.

Giveaway contest starts now and will end July 1st at midnight so I can announce the winner on my birthday, July 2nd :) That will be a great birthday present!

(p.s. I sure hope this is as easy as it seems! If you've done giveaways before and have pointers e-mail them to me would ya? lol)

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


If you read my rant a few days ago, I'm working on changing my attitude... It is the biggest setback to me wanting to teach here at all next year. Seeing as I've heard nothing from anywhere else and my contract has to be signed by Friday... I need to get over it.

It's going to be really hard. I don't want to believe that she can do it. I don't want to help her. I want her to fail miserably.

Unfortunately I also know myself too well. I've worked too hard on my attitude and my "don't be hypocritical you hate when others are that way" to throw it out the window.

SO starting today... I'm on her side (begrudgingly for now).

I will put on my happy face and help where I can, without doing her job for her.

Here's to moving forward...

ugh this is hard to write right now. I really don't want to do this but I know I'll be better for it if I do!

Monday, June 21, 2010

ICLW June Edition

I just entered my information on Mel's form. I can't believe I hadn't added myself already. So if I don't make it on the list this month oh well. I'll still read and comment and pretend! lol

Here's a little about me/plans for the future.

  • I'm almost 27 (next week! ahhh!)
  • I have PCOS and Endo.
  • I have horrible allergies all summer long thanks to the continuous blooming season and dry air here in the desert! (I'm contemplating buying stock in Kleenex!)
  • I've been married for 7 years! (yes i was just a baby myself when we got married...but I wouldn't have it any other way now!)
  • I'm currently in the middle of a job search, this is the last week before I have to sign my contract where I've worked for the last 6 years.
  • I've been complaining a lot about my place of employment. SORRY! I promise I'll try not to anymore!
  • If we move to someplace with IF insurance coverage, we'll proceed with treatments (aka start all over, it has been 5 years)
  • If we stay here we will head to the OBGYN here locally and see how far into this process they take us. If that doesn't work, we'll do the 'foster to adopt' route (most likely of an older 4-7 yr old child is what we're thinking).

Life is kinda on hold, at least for this week. We have all kinds of plans we're supposed to have made for travel in July, but everything is still hanging by the "maybe we'll get a job somewhere else" thread. So next weekend we'll be cementing the rest of our summer plans. It will be nice to start making some concrete decisions!

So welcome, stick around awhile, later on this week I'll be hosting my first giveaway ;)

Friday, June 18, 2010

LA, LA Baby!

OK, I know it's a Jonas Brothers song, however, we heard it all the time in LA so I thought it was appropriate :) (Have I told you Radio Disney is one of my favorite stations to listen to? All the top hits and clean, albeit annoying, radio hosts... those are hard to find on satellite radio!)

We headed to Los Angels for some rest and relaxation. My Aunt and Uncle are currently (well til the end of the month) Mission Presidents of the California Los Angels LDS Mission. They have had quite the 3 years serving. We wanted to be sure to visit one more time before they were done at the end of the month.

We headed down on a Friday and went straight to the beach since it was sunset and the roads were clear. It was COLD! I had to go buy myself a jacket!

Santa Monica Pier

Palm Trees at Sunset

Saturday we walked the 500 yards to the LDS Los Angeles Temple. It is HUGE inside! One could definitely get lost in there.

After the temple we drove out to Philippe's for "the original french dip" sandwich. Every time we've been to LA in the last 3 years John's talked about going and had maps and directions how to get there. Finally, we got to go try it out. My tip/review... great sandwich, the spicy mustard is what sets it apart! Don't wait til your sandwich is almost gone to try it like we did!

Then on the way back to the mission home, we drove down all the famous roads and saw all the famous hotels, theaters, shopping areas, and signs. I'm still shocked at how squished everything is together! Rodeo Drive was fun, and so was seeing El Capitan where they premier a lot of Disney movies. It's also like Halloween with people dressed up as ALL kinds of characters! It was pretty amusing!

Monday we went out near the coast to check out locations for a luncheon my Aunt and Uncle were hosting the following weekend. We saw this old lighthouse, the Friendship Bell from Korea (I think) and got to watch the sunlight dance over the ocean. It was awesome!

Monday, June 7, 2010

New Infertility Non Profit

My sister got this extremely cool internship opportunity this summer to work for a newly founded nonprofit organization in Indiana. Please read the following from her and follow up if you're interested!

I am excited to share with you a newly founded nonprofit organization that I have become involved with, the Indiana Collaboration of Families with Infertility (ICFI). This organization is near and dear to my heart.

I am personally affected by a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), which is now the leading cause of infertility in women across the country. My sister is also affected by PCOS, as well as endometriosis. I have watched her and her husband not only endure the private pain of not being able to have a family of their own for the last seven years, but also not having the social support they need because infertility is socially misunderstood.

ICFI is dedicated to raising awareness about infertility, supporting families emotionally and financially who are dealing with infertility, and providing a valuable online resource for support and reference. It was organized in April, and now officially has an EIN, with the paperwork for the 501c3 ready to be sent in this month. Our website is and we hope to have it up and running by the end of next week. Our first small fundraiser will be a dine and donate at Max and Erma's in Carmel; this will hopefully take place the last week in June but may happen in July based off of their availability. More information will be posted as soon as we have it - please plan to come out and support ICFI! We are currently very small, run entirely by 7 volunteers who are also passionately involved in the cause of infertility; however, we have big dreams for our budding organization and would love for you to get involved! If you would like to volunteer with us or make a tax-deductible donation of any general office supplies or money, we would definitely appreciate your help. Feel free to contact me for more information at

Dana Blackburn

I just LOVE my sister!

oh... and Happy 7 year Anniversary John!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Welcome ICLWers!

Well, I've been neglecting my little corner of the blogosphere. School is out for summer and we have an interesting summer ahead of us. If only we knew what was to come...cause right now I don't have a clue!

I've applied many places throughout the country. Right now our best chance at leaving our dysfunctional school board is looking like Memphis TN. I don't know if ANYTHING will happen. We may end up staying. Right now I don't know. Everything is so up in the air, and I feel like I'm suffocating!

Still nothing going on with TTC. On BCP and Met.formin for PCOS and Endo.

Other than that, nothing new here. Take a look around, and I promise to finish up the 5 posts I have started in the next two weeks!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day Love

Many of "my friends" chose to ignore my facebook posts about NIAW.

Unfortunately, many of "my friends" are family. Some of whom have experienced infertility.

Many people choose to change the subject because discussing my infertility is awkward for them.

Most people choose to judge John and I's childless state and make comments like
  • "aren't you EVER going to have kids?"
  • "you're a teacher so you must like children."
  • "why are you a teacher if you don't like kids since you don't have any?"
  • "you've been married long enough, maybe you should think about children?"
  • "maybe you should quite teaching and have children."
  • "maybe if you weren't so focused on your career you'd have children."

However, I am a very lucky girl! I have many marvelous people in my life that get me, and care enough to support me.

My sister in law, commented and reposted every link I shared on facebook, reads and comments on my blog regularly, and always is thinking of how to make my day brighter. On Tuesday I came home to a package at my front door. Inside were these:

customized M&M's that say "We love you Aunt Erika" and this note.

It says " Aunt Erika, just wanted you to know that we were thinking of you on Mother's Day. Love the Kids"

So SPECIAL! Thank you! I love you guys and appreciate your thoughtfulness!

Then Thursday came. We ended up at school a little later than usual, had to run a few errands, and again, I came home to another package at my front door. (I NEVER get packages delivered to my house, our rural area has to go to the post office.) This one was 2 dozen gorgeous roses from my wonderful sister Dana. See:

With this note... isn't she amazing!

Then on Friday, my Aunt called me. Last year I spent Mother's Day with her. She watched how I cringed in church at some of the words that were spoken and knew how hard this day is for me. She called to make sure I was ok, and ready to brave today with a smile. It was one of the most appreciated uplifting pep talks EVER!

Finally today at church, I was mentioned by name, in one of the talks. I literally was so overwhelmed with gratitude I basically tackled the poor man to the ground afterwards telling him thank you. We both were teary eyed.

I have never felt more loved than I feel this week! Thank you to all my wonderful supporters! You make this life worth living!

I have a new what IF for you...

What IF everyone had this kind of a support system while suffering through infertility?

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Secret Pals

I have had the joy and privilege to take part in Lynn's secret pals for the last two months. I cannot tell you how thrilled I have been to receive extra support and fun items from my secret pals! It has seriously been so much fun getting to know other people around the IF community and feel loved and supported, and be given the chance to show my support for others.

My March secret pal was Hannah from Life Happens When You're Making Other Plans
She sent me some awesome things :) A Dr. Seuss book. fuzzy socks, scrapbooking/card making stickers. a little purple lizard all the way from Cozumel that she got me on her cruise, and a gorgeous paperweight (I can't wait to get that to school next year!) She also wrote me some wonderful cards with all KINDS of questions. I"ll try and answer all of them at some point. Thanks Hannah!

My April secret pal was PCOSChick.
She sent me this amazing picture that her husband took and a GREAT book for my classroom about telling time. It just happened to come the week I was planning to teach telling time to my first graders. It's great! The picture is in a gorgeous frame. It is of an old barn and silos. It is AWESOME! Some people have such a gift for taking pictures! Thanks PCOSChick!

Guest Article: Endometriosis Pain and Omega-3 Fatty Acids

Endometriosis Pain and Omega-3 Fatty Acids

Many women must deal with a painful disease called endometriosis, which happens when endometrial tissues which should only grow in the uterus becomes located in other areas of the body. Endometriosis is one of the top three reasons behind female infertility and while one of the most treatable, it remains largely untreated in many women. Some of the symptoms of the disease include endometriosis pain during the menstrual cycle, irregular periods, fatigue, rectal and stomach pain, miscarriage, infertility, ectopic pregnancy, painful sexual intercourse and frequent yeast infections, chemical sensitivities and allergies.

While there are medical methods used to treat endometriosis, there is no known cause and no cure for the disease, however, there are many things that a woman can do to manage the symptoms and make life more bearable. Studies have shown that a woman eating a diet rich in Omega-3 fatty acids has a less likely chance of developing endometriosis, while those with a diet heavy in trans-fats might be more at risk. Just as diet is important when a woman is
trying to conceive a baby, it is also very important when naturally trying to manage the symptoms of endometriosis. Omega-3 fatty acids may hold the key to erasing endometriosis pain and could decrease the chances of a woman ever developing the disease.

Women that observe a diet rich in long-chain Omega-3 fatty acids were 22% less likely to be diagnosed with endometriosis than females that consumed the least amounts. A research study conducted using 70,000 American nurses as subjects followed the women over a 12-year period, and according to results a healthy diet is a key factor in the development of endometriosis. Just because a diet is low in fat does not mean it is healthy, women that consumed a diet high in trans-fats had a 48% increased risk of developing endometriosis, which means diet is a very important component in the lives of all females.

There are millions of women worldwide that suffer from endometriosis, many have spent countless numbers of years wondering how to go about managing the discomfort and pain and now through incorporating Omega-3 fatty acids into the diet, there is a new reason to hope. Researchers have found that certain dietary changes can lessen the likelihood a woman has of developing the disease, but also determined that Omega-3 fatty acids have a protective quality against endometriosis. Long-chain Omega-3 fatty acids are found in fish like tuna, salmon, sardines, mackerel, smelt and anchovies and are the healthiest way a woman can add the fats to her daily diet.

When trying to conceive, Omega-3 fatty acids not only play an important part in improving female fertility, but now are also linked to helping prevent or decrease the risk women have of developing endometriosis. Following the dietary recommendations of a medical professional and through regular incorporation of Omega-3 fatty acids into the diet, a woman can take steps to reduce trans-fats and decrease the risk of endometriosis or alleviate symptoms if already experiencing the disease.

This article was written by Tania. She co-writes the blog Trying to Concieve. Find out more about her and her blog here.

I just want to thank Tania for sharing this information with me and my readers. I think many of us endo gals are open to trying anything to relieve the pain endo causes. Thanks again!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

What IF...? My Project IF contribution

Through the last 8 years of knowing my husband, we've know having children would be a struggle from almost the very beginning. Our second date was him coming to visit me after my laparoscopy confirming and excising endo. I told him then I was broken and he shouldn't want to marry me because I couldn't give him children. A year after this second date he proposed and we married 4 months later. We decided to TTC that fall.

I recently got the medical records of our "trying" for months on our own and 4 unsuccessful cycles with clomid and all kinds of old school ideas (our doctor was retiring, that year, at 75 or something like that and was all into natural/alternative methods). The last entry of our records from that doctor states "Final clomid cycle. If unsuccessful will move to IUI.

I've ALWAYS known we'd need significant medical intervention. I've known it in my heart. But never did I know that was what our medical records stated... EVER... until 6 years later!

So here's my what if...

What if having children never happens for us and I feel guilty forever?
  • I feel guilty for not being able to give John children. He will be an excellent father!
  • I feel guilty for not making our mothers grandmothers (again).
  • I feel guilty for not giving my nieces and nephews who won't have cousins to play with on our side of the family.
  • I feel guilty for not relating to my students parents because I have never been a parent.
  • I feel guilty for expecting more of my students than I should because I don't know what to expect "of children".
  • I feel guilty for not giving all of myself to my friends.
  • I feel guilty for taking over other peoples kids.
  • I feel guilty for judging other people parenting.
  • I feel guilty for thinking I would be such a better parent than ___________.
  • I feel guilty for questioning my Heavenly Father.
  • I feel guilty for being anti-social.
  • I feel guilty for not being able to relate to most people around me.
  • I feel guilty for wishing you could experience what it's like to be me.
  • I feel guilty for making my husband think I'm mad at him.
  • I feel guilty for being jealous of others blessed with children.
  • I feel guilty for participating in this project when we haven't tried ANYTHING in YEARS.
  • I feel guilty thinking my trials are worse than yours.
  • I feel guilty for thinking that maybe we will have a miracle baby.
  • I feel guilty for thinking that I may possibly ever be pregnant.
  • I feel guilty for making you feel bad when you share your pregnancy news.
  • I feel guilty for blogging about infertility when really we aren't currently trying to have a baby, and haven't since that first try 4 years ago.
  • I feel guilty knowing how lucky and easy I have it compared to so many other infertile couples out there.
  • I feel guilty for complaining so much.
  • I feel guilty to my employers to whom I'm a huge burden insurance wise.
  • I feel guilty we don't have enough money to try expensive medical treatments.
  • I feel guilty that I don't feel ready to adopt.
  • I feel guilty that I don't know what the next step should be.
  • I feel guilty for looking into other places to live and work so I can buy a chance at being a mother.

Most of all I feel guilty for my body letting me down and the huge disappointment it is.

***Please know I'm not sharing any of these for you to tell me how I don't need to feel guilty. I am also not posting these for you to comment on them. The purpose of this is to inform people on the outside the types of feelings you go through when you are dealing with infertility.

I have learned a lot about myself over the course of the many years of infertility. Endo and PCOS are two debilitating diseases. I'm grateful for a supportive husband who puts up with me. I'm grateful to be able to, on most days, get past my guilt and continue living my life and find joy and happiness. I am grateful for this trial of infertility. My hope and prayer is that infertility will no longer be such a secretive topic and we can spread the wealth of knowledge and sense of community I have found through blogging. Happy National Infertility Week! It's happy because we are making other more aware. Do you want to know more about infertility and how to deal with me? Check out They have a great wealth of information.

Do you want to read other entries for Project IF? Check out the list over at Mel's. Be sure to check out #33... It is one of the most moving videos I've seen!

Friday, April 23, 2010


WOW, could there be anything better than this? I think not!

Every 21-28th of each month is ICLW or comment leaving week (click on the icon on the side to learn the history and read others participating!) So this weekend I'm going to try and get all of my commenting in (or at least caught up) I did make a good effort tonight and made up for a couple of missed days already!

This week April 24th-May 1st is National Infertility Awareness Week. Please check out Resolve to see what you can do to help. The page I linked is for "family and friends" of people dealing with infertility. There is some amazingly wonderful stuff on these pages. Resolve is a fantastic organization. This week my tweets, facebook, blogs, and anything else I do will be with NIAW in mind.

I've recently been making my surroundings aware of my infertility. It's been interesting to say the very least. I'm not a liar, so when people ask me questions they get an honest answer. So I've never really hid infertility, but I did flat out tell my whole Sunday School class that I teach a couple weeks ago. This of course has brought EVERYONE and their DOGS out with their advice and 2 sense. I know they're trying to help, I know they mean well... but do you think it would be rude if I printed off the pages from Resolve and passed them out on Sunday?

Anyway, we're still applying for jobs. Really just 1 in particular, that is in a place with no state mandated IF coverage, but is an excellent opportunity for growth and learning for me as a teacher. Some of the others are ridiculously long and John doesn't feel good about moving there, so I'm not wasting my time... (NJ asked for me to set aside 4 hours for the next step in the application... this after the hours I've already put into it.) I guess we'll see what happens. May 18th is a big deal for me here in AZ. Let's hope voters use good judgement unlike our Governor today...

Thursday, April 15, 2010

MIA for a reason

Sorry I've been MIA the last few weeks. I miss it, blogging I mean. It is a way to release all my thoughts, edit them so they're appropriate for public viewing, and get honest responses from people.

So here's what all of my online time has been taken up with lately...

We're doing a strategic nation wide search for a new job.

Our families know. (At least I hope John told his like he said he did! I offered to tell everyone, because it is me looking for the job, but he said he would.)
My supervisors know (and encouraged me)
People who ask know (I refuse to lie)

A lot has happened since I last posted I don't really know where to start.

I guess the beginning is a good place. Here are snip its from all the important events...

Sunday we found out our superintendent (good friend) was leaving, and the fact that the district has to eliminate $800,000 from the budget, I posed the question to John if we (I) should look into other job possibilities. Monday, we had a very long, loud, and tear filled discussion. We learned we have very different things that make us feel secure. John with a house, job, car, and food... Me with people around who will join me in battle, and go to bat for me.

It eventually boiled down to the fact that it wasn't really about job searching, but about the fact that we both feel like it's time to jump back on the TTC roller coaster and we can't really go very far on that ride because we live so far away from an RE.

That Thursday we went to the school board meeting... We had a long chat with my principal. I adore him and his management style and his willingness to do whatever needs to be done. He basically informed us "the titanic is sinking, untie yourself and jump off!" His words, not mine. He and John then continued to talk in sinking ship metaphors until each got their point across.

Then we had spring break. I looked a little bit, found some good opportunities, and asked John to decide whether he was okay with me applying for jobs.

(Let's rewind a minute to mention that I have NEVER, EVER applied for a teaching job. My current job was handed to me on a silver platter... (long story, e-mail me if you want to know) I don't have a resume, I don't know what a teaching resume is supposed to look like, and I really haven't a clue as to what I'm getting myself into. )

So then we go back to school. People are speculating... People are spreading all KINDS of rumors about everyone and their dog, and people are staying away from each other because heaven forbid someone be truthful!

Anyway, John finally decides that yes, I will apply for jobs. I work for days gathering information, getting various applications ready, trying to set up a resume, and writing cover letters.

Then the final straw...My principal found himself a new job.

I just keep asking myself these questions while I try and make it through the pages and pages of applications I've filled out and resumes I've made...

  • Do I really want to work with new administrators, new rules, less pay, and possibly no insurance unless I pay for it all myself (which we can't afford) with close to 30 kids in my classroom and no support? I think not... (although I may end up doing that anyway!)

So to my Principal's accuracy, our ship is sinking, everyone is looking to jump off. Just today our business manager, who is the reason why we're not in debt to begin with, is jumping ship too.

So I've sent my application to a few places, and this is where I come to you Internet friends...

  • Do you know of a school district hiring worth teaching in?
  • Do they offers infertility coverage?
  • Are you close to a metropolitan area where there are RE and such so we can move forward?

These are all the questions I have in my head. I've been dying to ask them, but with all of John's homework and my job hunting... finding time to write this has been rough! Any thoughts or suggestions are welcome :)

**Sorry if I'm rambling. I tried to make sense... I just have so much to try and get out of my head!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

More of John's Wonderful Cooking!

Well like I told you all a few weeks ago, I was contacted by to choose a product from one of their 200+ websites to review. John was very quick to let me know he wanted the Caphalon Pans. After my photo montage of him receiving his package, I'll turn my blog over to him for his review. Enjoy!

They're here!

Being very careful to open them so that he didn't hurt them.

Yay! (seriously, he was/is so excited about these pans!)

Reading the directions... who knew cookware came with instructions?!

Can you see all the excitement?

Iron Chef :)

This right here (eggs) were the reason why John wanted these pans so badly.

The first dish he made for us that we both could eat (since i don't eat eggs). It was pasta with cherry tomatoes and some other things he'll have to write about :) The important thing is, it tasted great!

Friday, April 2, 2010

Hippity Hoppity Easter's on it's way!

John just (as in within the last 20 minutes) came home from helping his mom hang blinds over at her house. He came home to clothes EVERYWHERE! I'm cleaning out the closet. Long overdue, and by cleaning it out means I'm cleaning a bunch of other places out.

ANYWAY, this post isn't about cleaning.

He came home and said his mom had gotten me something. So when I had a minute I needed to come find him. I walked into the office where he was to see this sitting on the desk.

I of course knew exactly what it was and start crying. Do you know what it was? If you've read my blog before I'm sure you do :) Here's a picture in case you forgot

Kami, I so appreciate this! I also appreciate you giving this to John to give to me and letting me have a private moment to accept this gift! Needless to say, this is again one of those gifts that means more to me than the person giving it probably realizes. So thank-you, thank-you, thank-you Kami! I love it and you, more than you know!

I really want to show off my wonderful gift from my MIL so I'm participating in Kate's (from Busted Plumbing) Blog Hop. Join along in the fun!

MckLinky Blog Hop

And now, back to cleaning :)

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Grand Surprise Plans!

Well I had grand plans of getting posts done on all the wonderful things I got from Hannah who was my secret pal for March, the fun we've been having cleaning up the house, yard, and shaving Tuffy, getting to go to my niece's dance recital, and getting John to write the review of his pans from csnstores. However, John surprised me with a little overnight getaway to Vegas so I'm off to pack. We had talked about going down for a day, but this will be nice! I will be internet free for at least the next 36 hours. I don't know where we're staying and I must say I'm THRILLED by the surprise factor! It's not very often that one of us can keep a secret long enough to surprise the other! Now I have ALL kind of things to post about when I get back.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Hey ICLWers!

Welcome to all of you! None of this has anything to do with IF. Unfortunately, treatments aren't in the picture right now, or in the near future. Here's what's currently going on in my life keeping me up into all hours of the night/morning.

Right now my life feels very up in the air. Found out this month LOTS about my job.
  1. The state of Arizona, unless a 1cent sales tax increase is passed will cut 20% of our schools budget (which in our very small, 2 school district, equals teachers).
  2. The state of Arizona just passed a law (which I LOVE btw) that teacher tenure is basically out the window. Teachers will be hired and kept based on student achievement not how many years they've been working. (Again, LOVE this!)
  3. Our superintendent is moving on to bigger and better things. This is a wonderful thing for him and his family (we're really close), but not an ideal situation for me (I know so selfish).
  4. Our school board isn't great at follow through. As in, they say one thing and then DO something completely different. Example: They send us ALL the timeline for hiring new super, but then in the VERY first step (posting the job opening) do it 2 weeks early and they have it replacing one of our principals too... Not the best people to have looking for someone new... in my opinion.

You see, I'm the type of person that needs to know, I need answers yesterday, I don't like what if's and quite possiblies, or NOT knowing anything.

So we're playing the waiting game to see how this hiring process goes, who our new superintendent will be, and if there is money so that I have a job next year. So I open for suggestions like I have been throughout this school year to other possible job fields that have openings that isn't linked to teaching at all, or teaching positions (preferably both in a state with mandated infertility insurance coverage!).

Besides all of this being dumped on me this month, 2 uncles, and another gentleman I knew passed away this last week.

March has totally kicked my butt, and it's not even over yet! But I'm ready with a smile on my face to survive this last week of school before spring break. Besides ICLW is the highlight of my month!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Show and Tell: Boutiful Baskets Edition

If you live in Utah, Idaho, Washington, Arizona or Nevada you have got to check out Bountiful Baskets Food Co-op. It is seriously the coolest thing since sliced bread! :)

Look at all the fruits

and veggies

Everything in those two pictures was only $15!!!!

They also have cool add on things each week like the "Mexican herb pack" $6.50

And then they also have 9-grain bread $10 for 5 loaves and last time they had tortillas...Oh my those tortillas were HUGE and SO SO SO yummy!

So excited to get my basket this weekend! In the meantime... Be sure to check out what the rest of the class is showing!

Friday, March 12, 2010

My husband's the cook!

Well, if you know me in real life, you know I'm not the homemaker type. Never have been. Last week some of my family was in town and we had some other company at our house as well. Since John is always cooking, the favorite place to gather is on the bar stools to watch him work his magic in the kitchen.

Here are some of his creations:

My favorite dish ever: Chile Rellenos

And don't forget his eggs benedict (without the eggs for me thought ;)

Oh and his RIBS... DIVINE!

He does this using pots and pans that are 7 years old and on their last leg. They've been great, but it's about time we start replacing them. Lids are broken, handles are glued on. It's just time.

So needless to say, when CSN contacted me about doing a review of one of their products from one of their 200+ online stores and suggested these beauties I showed John and it was like Christmas morning for a little kid. He is THRILLED to be able to test these new pans. I can't wait until they get here so I can show you all the things he can use them for!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Show and Tell: My Newest Jewlery

Make sure to check out what everyone else is showing this week!

I've been wanting this necklace from therhouse couture ever since she's opened her etsy store and it was posted on there. My MIL gave me a gift card for Christmas and I was telling John that was what I was going to buy while we were in Indiana. My mom was in the room as well and was asking me "why in the world would you want a necklace that said eventually?" John says I handled the situation well (which is a good thing). I don't remember what I said, just being offended that she a) didn't understand and b) would kind of make fun of me for wanting it didn't bode well for me responding well... but thankfully, I did.

Anyway, I didn't order it while we were in Indiana and then life happened and while I didn't forget about the necklace, I did forgot to order it. So a few weeks ago when I got on after Valentine's day to order the necklace it wasn't there. I was so sad! (it's back now and I still will order it at some point in time)... So I started looking to see what else they had. I found this beauty...
(my pictures don't do it justice and it's not on their website at the moment).

This necklace is so perfect for me! I say this phrase all the time and I truely believe it, too! When I found it I showed it to John who said "It even sounds like you!" So he bought it for me!

All my students and other kids I'm around love that I have "a necklace with words". They all try to figure out what it says. One girl that I'm particularlly close with read it and just smiled. She thought it was perfect for me too.

I've used it in teaching lessons at church.

I've used it to remind myself that I'm not in ultimate control. Especially when I found out this past weekend that my dear friend is moving away this summer. I've kept telling myself "everything happens for a reason." I don't know that it has made it any less emotional, but it has helped by giving it a purpose. Even if I don't know what that purpose is yet.

So to mrs. r and her crew... thanks for my newest necklace and giving me reason to find purpose in everything!

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Feeling Loved

I have many friends.

I cherish every one of them.

Some know of my struggles with infertility.

Even fewer know of my daily "keep your positive attitude" struggle.

A only one, to my knowledge, knows first hand the feelings that come with infertility in any way, shape, or form at all.

I'm grateful for that in two ways:
  1. My friends don't have to deal with infertility (i would not wish this on anyone ever, despite what my post a week or so ago may have had you thinking)
  2. The one that understands these feelings understands how I feel better than I do sometimes.

Now I must tell you all, that I'm not very good at being sentimental face to face. I don't like the crying or the awkwardness. I never have, so I'm using this here, my little blog, to let her know how greatful I am for her friendship.

Last November, after my nephew was born, I was telling her how my "people that are currently pregnant" list was empty (which in reality it wasn't but oh well), and I was glad to have a day or two before I was SURE I would start hearing new announcements.

Well a week or so later she called me to tell me she was pregnant. It was one of the most kind moments of my entire life. I knew she was calling me specifically because she cared about me and my feelings. I could tell that she felt so badly telling me, and I had made it even worse with my comment(sorry about that!). However, It is a moment cemented in my mind.

I am eternally greatful for the outpouring of love from her always, but espeically at that moment. I know I never told her thank you for being so kind and considerate, so thank you. It meant the world to me. I'm also sorry for making your feel so guilty! We are nothing but extatic for you guys! I am thrilled to have 5 of your little ones to be able to love.

Thanks for being an amazing friend, sharing your kids with us, and understanding me!

Oh, and Happy belated birthday!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Show and Tell: Sock It To Me Edition

Be sure to check out what the rest of the class is showing and all the other amazing socks!

Well, this being my first time for Sock it to Me and I really had no IDEA what I was doing.

First, I must apologize to Soapchick who I was in charge of sending socks to this time around. I read through much of her blog trying to find out all about her so I could find her the most perfect pair of socks. I looked at many stores early on trying to get a feel for what was out there. And then it came right down to it and I hadn't chosen any socks for her. None was the perfect pair I had envisioned...So finally I just had to pick a pair. In the end, the pair I picked was fun, unusual, would be very warm, and not to mention would share a little love. I just hope she got them on time and that I wrote the address correctly. Oh yeah, and I didn't tell her who I was... I'm a horrible sock buddy!
My sending buddy was Tam from Half a Duo Raising a Duo (I think she has a private blog). She's great and e-mailed me right away asking what kinds of things i liked. I mentioned that we have a crazy sock day for Dr. Seuss week in my class and she found me Dr. Seuss socks!!!! I am thrilled about them and my 1st/2nd graders are going to LOVE them! Thanks Tam!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Happy ICLW: February Edition

Well hello everyone!

I'm really sorry if you stopped by and were smacked in the face with my last post... it was pretty deep, heartfelt, and full of emotions. If you're ready for that feel free to keep reading.

This week is one of my favorites every month. I find so many new blogs to read and LOVE LOVE LOVE all of the comments!

Here's some details about me
  • 26
  • married almost 7 years
  • PCOS and ENDO diagnosis
  • not currently ttc
  • husband is back in school
  • teacher
  • most likely after last week, going to be having another Lap. in the nearer future
  • first Lap. was 8 years ago

I love this community. I'm thrilled to have the support, friendship, and "i'm not the only one in this boat" feeling. Thanks to all of you for that!

Saturday, February 20, 2010

My deepest darkest feelings...

My "here's what I really think of you" announcement to:

  • the parents of children on the news everyday that are traded for drugs, left to wander 2 blocks in the middle of the night, or left in dumpsters.
  • the parents of children who feel entitled to EVERYTHING, think they're above everyone else, and think the rules don't apply to them.
  • Especially parents who NEVER tell their children NO or stand by while their child is blatantly rude, dishonest, hurtful, or mean and don't do anything.
  • Also, to those parents who are NOT appreciative of the blessing ALL children are, along with the RESPONSIBILITY they have to care for and raise them WELL.

I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of pretending I don't hate your guts for your lack of parentin, and how it is affecting your child/children.

I'm sick of hearing about you on the news, Oprah shows, and on the internet.

I'm sick of the hatred I feel for you EVERY time I see or hear of you neglecting your child who needs you more than your socialization, your job, your drug addiction, or your other children.

  • I hate that you expect others to do for your child what YOU should have been doing all along but haven't.
  • I hate even more, your fury, when the others don't do it "RIGHT".
  • I hate that you think you're the victim.
  • I hate that you think it's everyone else's fault.
  • I hate that I still HAVE to be kind and considerate, and that by voicing my opinion of you, I'M the bad guy.
  • I hate that because I don't have any children, my opinion of any of these types of situations doesn't matter because "I don't know".
  • I hate being in a public setting, seeing you, being annoyed because I feel I should keep an eye out for your child because I know you won't be paying attention.
  • I hate that you judge me because I don't have children and you don't know anything about me, or care to find out.
  • I hate that you tell me how lucky I am because I'm not tied down with children.
  • I hate that I KNOW I could do a better job, but will probably never get the chance.
  • Most of all, I hate myself for my thoughts and feelings towards you. I know being a parent is hard. I know you want what's best for your child, even if YOU cannot provide that (for whatever reason that I don't know and even if I did, I couldn't/wouldn't understand).

Wow... I have some issues! But I feel SO much better after writing that!

*****If this offends you, I'm sorry. I know many of my thought processes are not in the "norm" especially for those of you that read this with children, and even more so if INFERTILITY has NEVER applied to you. A lot of things have happened in my life that is causing me to finally admit my deepest darkest feelings.

*****I'm not calling ANYONE a bad parent. I know parenting is hard, and if I ever get the chance I won't be perfect at it so, I'm sorry if this makes you feel that way.

*****I am voicing my opinions and feelings. You're welcome to disagree, but not to tell me how I feel is wrong.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Show and Tell: Utah Auto Expo

Be sure to check out what the rest of the class is showing!

So a month ago we headed north to take my sister a bunch of her stuff and to pick up some of my old medical records they wouldn't just fax (more on those later). Here are some of our favorites :) Not that we're buying any, since we just bought my very first brand new new car ever,(Love my Dodge Caliber!) but it was still a great time looking!

John's dream truck...

The new Audi R8... or something like that.

The latest Audi TT roadster convertible... This has been my dream car since high school when it first came out. I still love it.
The newest Toyota Prius, the only car where Dana (my sister) could reach the pedals... hehe!
John loves him a Buick. I don't understand, but I don't need to, I guess.
The Transfomer Edition Camaro... so cool!

I don't know what car this is... it may be a Camaro too. (my husband would be laughing hystarically if he knew I was admitting this!)
The Dale Jr. edition Camaro... John was drooling, literally!

Somehow, I didn't get a picture of my "if we ever need a bigger car" car. It was probably because I was too busy being in it to remeber to take a picture of it... but it was a Dodge Journey.