Tuesday, December 14, 2010

What I Knew, What I Forgot, and What I Know Now

I've realized multiple times over the past 21 days how much I take for granted. I really seem to not get 'how good I've got it' until it's over.

21 days ago I knew:
  • going off the birth control pills I would feel different. (I warned people remember?)
  • it would most likely be physically painful most days.
  • I act like a real jerk, a lot, without the aide of hormonal regulation. (Hello, 4 days a month is enough!)
  • I might not be ready for this whole process to start again yet.
Also, I remembered, albeit only vaguely, how off I get emotionally without them to regulate my hormones.

However...I had forgotten:
  • how much pain, and the severity of said pain, I lived with everyday!
  • how moody I get at the drop of a hat. (Talk about emotional roller coaster, Batman!)
  • how hard it is sometimes to not jump down someones throat (read third grader, co-worker, family member, heck ANY LIVING THING) because they looked at me the wrong way.
  • how much people bug me. Just there being people around me. At ALL.
  • what a strain me not having my hormones regulated puts on my husband. He knew it was coming, but I think he forgot the gravity and swiftness of the process. I can tell by the look on his face how hurt and confused, yet trying to be understanding, he is. Especially when all he wants to do is be close to me and for me to want to be close to him.
  • how much I don't know how to control 'this' version of me.
  • how much I hate myself for thinking and saying the things I've been thinking and saying the last 21 days.
I don't know how i survived teaching for the two years before I went back on the birth control pills. HONESTLY! The phrase often running through my head or being muttered under my breath is "stupid children". Not a very good sentiment to have as a teacher!

So going forward... how do I do this?

Here's what I know now.
  • I have to constantly talk myself down off the ledge.
  • I have to be willing to walk away from any conversation, TV show, commercial, meeting, etc when I reach the ledge and I can't talk myself down anymore.
  • I don't have to be social. AT ALL. Unless I want to.
  • I MUST find some people that will put up with me to surround myself with that understand but will keep me in line.
  • Ignoring is the best option I have with third graders. None of this is their fault, they're children, and not perfect either.
  • If this is anything like how my mother felt every day when I was growing up, I'm so sorry she had 5 crazy kids to wrangle!

Most of all, I know that life like this, feeling like this, isn't worth it. If we don't get this going here soon, I'm done. I'm not strong enough to keep up the smiling "fake it 'til you make it" facade. There's already cracks in it and it is crumbling quickly. There are other ways for us to have a family if we choose. We also know if we, John and I, are the only ones in "our" family we'll be okay with that.

Is it bad that I already want to throw in the towel, give up my white flag, and surrender? I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this. We haven't even gotten to the Pro.vera beast yet! Heaven help John!


Lee Family said...

Erika, I'm SO sorry that you have to go through all this. I love ya, no matter what. :)

Gretchen said...

I LOVE YOU no matter how awful you think you're being. Of course, it might help me that I'm several states away from you too! (Just kidding.)

Seriously though, the decision to do this is completely up to you and John. It's not bad that you want to stop. You get to decide what's right for you as a family. You have so many people that love and support you whatever it is you do.

Lindsay said...

I love you just the way you are, so come see me and get away!

Mom said...

I love you, and I am so happy you are a part of my family. I wish I could take this trial away from you, but I don't know how. Just remember that you are loved.

Barbara said...

Just added endometriosis to my PCOS diagnosis after a laparoscopy the other day and I came across this blog in googling to try to understand their relationship. I just thought I would say that I totally understand where you coming from... we've been trying hard for two and a half years and have had two miscarriages in the process, and I have thought so many of the things you just posted on this blog. Don't know if it is any conciliation, but you are most definitely not alone and your blog made me feel a little less alone as well, so thank you for that.

Dana Blackburn said...

You're being completely honest with yourself, and open with others... which already means that you're stronger than you think. If you want to do this, you CAN do it! But it's up to you and John. Regardless, I'm glad you're my sister! Loves loves loves!