21 days ago I knew:
- going off the birth control pills I would feel different. (I warned people remember?)
- it would most likely be physically painful most days.
- I act like a real jerk, a lot, without the aide of hormonal regulation. (Hello, 4 days a month is enough!)
- I might not be ready for this whole process to start again yet.
However...I had forgotten:
- how much pain, and the severity of said pain, I lived with everyday!
- how moody I get at the drop of a hat. (Talk about emotional roller coaster, Batman!)
- how hard it is sometimes to not jump down someones throat (read third grader, co-worker, family member, heck ANY LIVING THING) because they looked at me the wrong way.
- how much people bug me. Just there being people around me. At ALL.
- what a strain me not having my hormones regulated puts on my husband. He knew it was coming, but I think he forgot the gravity and swiftness of the process. I can tell by the look on his face how hurt and confused, yet trying to be understanding, he is. Especially when all he wants to do is be close to me and for me to want to be close to him.
- how much I don't know how to control 'this' version of me.
- how much I hate myself for thinking and saying the things I've been thinking and saying the last 21 days.
So going forward... how do I do this?
Here's what I know now.
- I have to constantly talk myself down off the ledge.
- I have to be willing to walk away from any conversation, TV show, commercial, meeting, etc when I reach the ledge and I can't talk myself down anymore.
- I don't have to be social. AT ALL. Unless I want to.
- I MUST find some people that will put up with me to surround myself with that understand but will keep me in line.
- Ignoring is the best option I have with third graders. None of this is their fault, they're children, and not perfect either.
- If this is anything like how my mother felt every day when I was growing up, I'm so sorry she had 5 crazy kids to wrangle!
Most of all, I know that life like this, feeling like this, isn't worth it. If we don't get this going here soon, I'm done. I'm not strong enough to keep up the smiling "fake it 'til you make it" facade. There's already cracks in it and it is crumbling quickly. There are other ways for us to have a family if we choose. We also know if we, John and I, are the only ones in "our" family we'll be okay with that.
Is it bad that I already want to throw in the towel, give up my white flag, and surrender? I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this. We haven't even gotten to the Pro.vera beast yet! Heaven help John!