Wednesday, April 28, 2010

What IF...? My Project IF contribution

Through the last 8 years of knowing my husband, we've know having children would be a struggle from almost the very beginning. Our second date was him coming to visit me after my laparoscopy confirming and excising endo. I told him then I was broken and he shouldn't want to marry me because I couldn't give him children. A year after this second date he proposed and we married 4 months later. We decided to TTC that fall.

I recently got the medical records of our "trying" for months on our own and 4 unsuccessful cycles with clomid and all kinds of old school ideas (our doctor was retiring, that year, at 75 or something like that and was all into natural/alternative methods). The last entry of our records from that doctor states "Final clomid cycle. If unsuccessful will move to IUI.

I've ALWAYS known we'd need significant medical intervention. I've known it in my heart. But never did I know that was what our medical records stated... EVER... until 6 years later!

So here's my what if...

What if having children never happens for us and I feel guilty forever?
  • I feel guilty for not being able to give John children. He will be an excellent father!
  • I feel guilty for not making our mothers grandmothers (again).
  • I feel guilty for not giving my nieces and nephews who won't have cousins to play with on our side of the family.
  • I feel guilty for not relating to my students parents because I have never been a parent.
  • I feel guilty for expecting more of my students than I should because I don't know what to expect "of children".
  • I feel guilty for not giving all of myself to my friends.
  • I feel guilty for taking over other peoples kids.
  • I feel guilty for judging other people parenting.
  • I feel guilty for thinking I would be such a better parent than ___________.
  • I feel guilty for questioning my Heavenly Father.
  • I feel guilty for being anti-social.
  • I feel guilty for not being able to relate to most people around me.
  • I feel guilty for wishing you could experience what it's like to be me.
  • I feel guilty for making my husband think I'm mad at him.
  • I feel guilty for being jealous of others blessed with children.
  • I feel guilty for participating in this project when we haven't tried ANYTHING in YEARS.
  • I feel guilty thinking my trials are worse than yours.
  • I feel guilty for thinking that maybe we will have a miracle baby.
  • I feel guilty for thinking that I may possibly ever be pregnant.
  • I feel guilty for making you feel bad when you share your pregnancy news.
  • I feel guilty for blogging about infertility when really we aren't currently trying to have a baby, and haven't since that first try 4 years ago.
  • I feel guilty knowing how lucky and easy I have it compared to so many other infertile couples out there.
  • I feel guilty for complaining so much.
  • I feel guilty to my employers to whom I'm a huge burden insurance wise.
  • I feel guilty we don't have enough money to try expensive medical treatments.
  • I feel guilty that I don't feel ready to adopt.
  • I feel guilty that I don't know what the next step should be.
  • I feel guilty for looking into other places to live and work so I can buy a chance at being a mother.

Most of all I feel guilty for my body letting me down and the huge disappointment it is.

***Please know I'm not sharing any of these for you to tell me how I don't need to feel guilty. I am also not posting these for you to comment on them. The purpose of this is to inform people on the outside the types of feelings you go through when you are dealing with infertility.

I have learned a lot about myself over the course of the many years of infertility. Endo and PCOS are two debilitating diseases. I'm grateful for a supportive husband who puts up with me. I'm grateful to be able to, on most days, get past my guilt and continue living my life and find joy and happiness. I am grateful for this trial of infertility. My hope and prayer is that infertility will no longer be such a secretive topic and we can spread the wealth of knowledge and sense of community I have found through blogging. Happy National Infertility Week! It's happy because we are making other more aware. Do you want to know more about infertility and how to deal with me? Check out They have a great wealth of information.

Do you want to read other entries for Project IF? Check out the list over at Mel's. Be sure to check out #33... It is one of the most moving videos I've seen!


Anonymous said...

It's great!!.............................................

Lee Family said...

*hugs* :)

Lindsay said...

Hey, there's nothing wrong with being anti-social:)

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

I am just now getting around to thanking you for visiting me during ICLW. Endo is a horrible disease and until I was officially diagnosed I had no clue just how bad it could be. Good luck to you!

Life in Eden said...

Thanks for sharing your story and your What IFs. And thanks for visiting the I Am Enough collaborative and your comment. Best wishes for your future -- you are ENOUGH!