Alright... let me just preface this by saying you're probably going to want to tell me "but that's not how it was meant." I know. I know I shouldn't be annoyed or offended by the things I'm going to discuss. I guess now I discuss this more as FYI rather than reacting to being annoyed/offended. So please if all you can manage to think of to say to me is "but you shouldn't take it that way" then don't bother commenting.
This weekend was General Conference for the LDS church. It is a weekend I love. The weekend always ends with me feeling uplifted and inspired. This year was no different. I have a greater understanding of many gospel principles and I was inspired to change a few things in my life so I can be the best me possible. After all, my husband deserves me to try my best to be the best I can be. Every talk had pieces that I related to, however two talks this year really stick out in my mind that struck a cord with me. They're underlying messages were quite similar, although the way they went about getting to the point were quite different.
The first message I want to talk about I felt was especially for me. It was about the love of our Savior and the fact that we are never alone because He is always with us. Although I may feel all by myself in my grief, loneliness, feelings of inadaquacy and failure, my Savior knows how I feel. His Atonement was for me, and me alone if need be. He suffered so He would know how I feel and be able to comfort me. This is something I believe wholeheartedly. I have felt His arms wrapped around me. I have felt His reassurance that I am not a failure because of my infertility. I know I am reason enough for His Atonement. I am so grateful for this knowledge. It is why I am able to continue on.
The next message was where I got annoyed... I guess because I often can be found to say the same thing as a way to explain myself to others that just don't seem to get INFERTILITY
This message started out with a story about a couple sitting on a plane discussing how they had decided not to have kids but to have dogs instead because the don't talk back, go to college, etc. The speaker went on to say how selfish he thought this was of this couple.
(Now let it be known... I LOVE Tuffy. He is my baby. I would do anything for him... and yes on occasion I even dress him up. I have also been known to explain our "choice," since that's what some people think us not having kids is, as simply "Dogs are so much easier, plus I have my First Graders." This has become my standard response because I have a lot (not all...some of you are amazing!) of family that haven't a clue as to what I'm going through nor do they seem to care. They just think we're selfish for not having kids I'm sure.)
The thought that went through my head the moment he said that was "He has no clue!" Which I'm sure he doesn't. However, his underlying message was the same... Our Savior loves us and died for us so that we could come to Earth to have this mortal experience. I understand that. I get his point from the w-h-o-l-e picture... I'm just sure that I would have gotten there a different way. Now granted if he knew the couple personally and if they were a couple fighting with infertility I'm sure his observations would have been different. But, we'll never know. It very well could have been John and I that was overheard.
However, I did get the "real" message I promise.
So I'm sure that this doesn't make much sense to most of you because it's not very cohesive. But I feel better writing it.
Bottom Line: Just know that when I say that my first graders and Tuffy keep me plenty busy... I'm lying through my teeth. There is nothing I want more than children to call my own.
4 comments:
One of the things that would have struck me most about your post is that people assume that you NOT having children is selfish. I see it the complete opposite way. Almost every reason that I want children could possibly be considered selfish (I want little hugs, and to be called Mommy, and have my baby look at me and smile the way he only does at his mother). It's something that makes me feel guilty and confuses me at times, but I think it's ok to be a little selfish sometimes. And having children will teach us to be more selfless which is a very good lesson to learn.
People that haven't been here just can't understand.
By the way, I really liked your link to the Resolve article the other day.
Everything you said made perfect sense to me. I'm glad you got what you needed from conference. I did as well. I was thinking of you two that day, and hoping that you were able to watch it too. Love ya!
P.S. Megan says hi :)
I think it is wonderful that you have faith to help you deal with the tough stuff in life - I know I have turned to my own faith many times to help me cope and lift me up, so I am glad that you had such a wonderful weekend. Sorry to hear about the speaker who upset/angered you.
I could have written that post myself! I totally know what you mean and also drew great comfort from Elder Holland's talk. What was crazy was that as I was getting ready that morning I was thinking to myself how much I wish someone would get up there and address the loneliness of infertility, and not just as a secondhand comment in the middle of a "Motherhood is your great and divine calling" talk(like that talk by sister Beck last year?), know what I mean? I have a hard time with those... anyway, just wanted to let you know that I totally get what you're saying... I felt the same way too! (((Hugs)))
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