Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The squished bug on the bottom of your shoe...

*This is a downer post.  I'm feeling very needy, whiny, and witchy.  Proceed with caution at your own risk!

Multiple times every day one asks others and gets asked by others "How are you?"

In our society it has become synonymous with hello.

Most of the time I answer with the every typical, "I'm fine. How are you?" in return.

However if someone asked me right now, "How are you?" I'd respond with "I'm feeling like the bug squished on the bottom of your shoe, being drug around everywhere with pieces of me scattered behind."  

Just today alone I've had pieces of me break off in multiple various settings.

First, there's all the upset in blog land.  I know it really had nothing to do with me, but I did voice my opinions when bloggers I read asked for them.  This is my safe place and its felt very much not like my safe place lately. Too many egg shells to walk on. In fact, I have felt out of place and like I have to censor myself, which I hate feeling that way this is my space I should say what I'm feeling!

Then there's  the huge chunk of me left in national board that keeps getting drug back and forth and ground deeper and deeper into the carpet leaving a nasty stain.

Then there's the normal every day life stuff picking up various vital pieces of my squished bug body...

  • infertility and the latest rounds of pregnancy announcements on face book and my own BFN and need to get into see a doctor which I just don't have time for right now...
  • students not listening in class and state testing coming up just a month or so away, 
  • financial worries because, let's face it... I'm a freaking teacher who would qualify for the free or at least reduced lunch program at school 
  • co-worker drama Oh my gosh the drama is awful I'm so sick of it and it makes me want to quit my job 
  • and trying to take care of myself Ha this piece was eaten by the dog! 

And then there's my church calling responsibilities scattering pieces of me the squished bug into various crevices  in the bottom of your shoe. Not really settling anywhere because I'm not sure any of this is going to actually work out with me serving with the youth because I might get kicked out of church for harming another human being.  I never have liked the drama, didn't when I was a teen, still don't now.  However, now, the drama mostly comes in with the other leaders.  Maybe when the stupid fundraiser dinner is over it will be better.  Planning this has been a nightmare because some other leaders wanted the youth to be in charge, but the youth haven't done anything so its left me scrambling to do things last minute.  UGH!  Then I get the evil eye from other leaders because they didn't know it was their responsibility even though it wasn't, ever.  Especially because I chose not to share it with them since they all have other things going on.  Needless to say, my trying to be nice and keep the burden myself bit me in the butt tonight.  I'm sick of giving these kids here everything.  I think they should have to earn it!  Legitimately earn it!

I'm tired of feeling over used and under appreciated.  When I come back in the next life, I want to come back as Tuffy.  A dog who is loved more than he knows. A dog who can love unconditionally right back. A dog whose biggest worry in life is when I'll finally leave so he can go back to sleeping.

I think I'm ready to go back to the witchy with a 'B' me who wouldn't keep her mouth shut when someone made her mad.  There are some days when I REALLY miss the old me, although I'm sure no one else misses her!


Lindsay said...

I'm so sorry! Wish I could help! Just know that I will love you any way you decide to be. (even if your Tuffy:)!

Mom said...

I agree with Lindsay. You are loved by me unconditionally, always and forever! Never be afraid to be yourself on your blog, it's your blog and you have every right to say what you want, how you want!