Wednesday, April 28, 2010

What IF...? My Project IF contribution

Through the last 8 years of knowing my husband, we've know having children would be a struggle from almost the very beginning. Our second date was him coming to visit me after my laparoscopy confirming and excising endo. I told him then I was broken and he shouldn't want to marry me because I couldn't give him children. A year after this second date he proposed and we married 4 months later. We decided to TTC that fall.

I recently got the medical records of our "trying" for months on our own and 4 unsuccessful cycles with clomid and all kinds of old school ideas (our doctor was retiring, that year, at 75 or something like that and was all into natural/alternative methods). The last entry of our records from that doctor states "Final clomid cycle. If unsuccessful will move to IUI.

I've ALWAYS known we'd need significant medical intervention. I've known it in my heart. But never did I know that was what our medical records stated... EVER... until 6 years later!

So here's my what if...

What if having children never happens for us and I feel guilty forever?
  • I feel guilty for not being able to give John children. He will be an excellent father!
  • I feel guilty for not making our mothers grandmothers (again).
  • I feel guilty for not giving my nieces and nephews who won't have cousins to play with on our side of the family.
  • I feel guilty for not relating to my students parents because I have never been a parent.
  • I feel guilty for expecting more of my students than I should because I don't know what to expect "of children".
  • I feel guilty for not giving all of myself to my friends.
  • I feel guilty for taking over other peoples kids.
  • I feel guilty for judging other people parenting.
  • I feel guilty for thinking I would be such a better parent than ___________.
  • I feel guilty for questioning my Heavenly Father.
  • I feel guilty for being anti-social.
  • I feel guilty for not being able to relate to most people around me.
  • I feel guilty for wishing you could experience what it's like to be me.
  • I feel guilty for making my husband think I'm mad at him.
  • I feel guilty for being jealous of others blessed with children.
  • I feel guilty for participating in this project when we haven't tried ANYTHING in YEARS.
  • I feel guilty thinking my trials are worse than yours.
  • I feel guilty for thinking that maybe we will have a miracle baby.
  • I feel guilty for thinking that I may possibly ever be pregnant.
  • I feel guilty for making you feel bad when you share your pregnancy news.
  • I feel guilty for blogging about infertility when really we aren't currently trying to have a baby, and haven't since that first try 4 years ago.
  • I feel guilty knowing how lucky and easy I have it compared to so many other infertile couples out there.
  • I feel guilty for complaining so much.
  • I feel guilty to my employers to whom I'm a huge burden insurance wise.
  • I feel guilty we don't have enough money to try expensive medical treatments.
  • I feel guilty that I don't feel ready to adopt.
  • I feel guilty that I don't know what the next step should be.
  • I feel guilty for looking into other places to live and work so I can buy a chance at being a mother.

Most of all I feel guilty for my body letting me down and the huge disappointment it is.

***Please know I'm not sharing any of these for you to tell me how I don't need to feel guilty. I am also not posting these for you to comment on them. The purpose of this is to inform people on the outside the types of feelings you go through when you are dealing with infertility.

I have learned a lot about myself over the course of the many years of infertility. Endo and PCOS are two debilitating diseases. I'm grateful for a supportive husband who puts up with me. I'm grateful to be able to, on most days, get past my guilt and continue living my life and find joy and happiness. I am grateful for this trial of infertility. My hope and prayer is that infertility will no longer be such a secretive topic and we can spread the wealth of knowledge and sense of community I have found through blogging. Happy National Infertility Week! It's happy because we are making other more aware. Do you want to know more about infertility and how to deal with me? Check out They have a great wealth of information.

Do you want to read other entries for Project IF? Check out the list over at Mel's. Be sure to check out #33... It is one of the most moving videos I've seen!

Friday, April 23, 2010


WOW, could there be anything better than this? I think not!

Every 21-28th of each month is ICLW or comment leaving week (click on the icon on the side to learn the history and read others participating!) So this weekend I'm going to try and get all of my commenting in (or at least caught up) I did make a good effort tonight and made up for a couple of missed days already!

This week April 24th-May 1st is National Infertility Awareness Week. Please check out Resolve to see what you can do to help. The page I linked is for "family and friends" of people dealing with infertility. There is some amazingly wonderful stuff on these pages. Resolve is a fantastic organization. This week my tweets, facebook, blogs, and anything else I do will be with NIAW in mind.

I've recently been making my surroundings aware of my infertility. It's been interesting to say the very least. I'm not a liar, so when people ask me questions they get an honest answer. So I've never really hid infertility, but I did flat out tell my whole Sunday School class that I teach a couple weeks ago. This of course has brought EVERYONE and their DOGS out with their advice and 2 sense. I know they're trying to help, I know they mean well... but do you think it would be rude if I printed off the pages from Resolve and passed them out on Sunday?

Anyway, we're still applying for jobs. Really just 1 in particular, that is in a place with no state mandated IF coverage, but is an excellent opportunity for growth and learning for me as a teacher. Some of the others are ridiculously long and John doesn't feel good about moving there, so I'm not wasting my time... (NJ asked for me to set aside 4 hours for the next step in the application... this after the hours I've already put into it.) I guess we'll see what happens. May 18th is a big deal for me here in AZ. Let's hope voters use good judgement unlike our Governor today...

Thursday, April 15, 2010

MIA for a reason

Sorry I've been MIA the last few weeks. I miss it, blogging I mean. It is a way to release all my thoughts, edit them so they're appropriate for public viewing, and get honest responses from people.

So here's what all of my online time has been taken up with lately...

We're doing a strategic nation wide search for a new job.

Our families know. (At least I hope John told his like he said he did! I offered to tell everyone, because it is me looking for the job, but he said he would.)
My supervisors know (and encouraged me)
People who ask know (I refuse to lie)

A lot has happened since I last posted I don't really know where to start.

I guess the beginning is a good place. Here are snip its from all the important events...

Sunday we found out our superintendent (good friend) was leaving, and the fact that the district has to eliminate $800,000 from the budget, I posed the question to John if we (I) should look into other job possibilities. Monday, we had a very long, loud, and tear filled discussion. We learned we have very different things that make us feel secure. John with a house, job, car, and food... Me with people around who will join me in battle, and go to bat for me.

It eventually boiled down to the fact that it wasn't really about job searching, but about the fact that we both feel like it's time to jump back on the TTC roller coaster and we can't really go very far on that ride because we live so far away from an RE.

That Thursday we went to the school board meeting... We had a long chat with my principal. I adore him and his management style and his willingness to do whatever needs to be done. He basically informed us "the titanic is sinking, untie yourself and jump off!" His words, not mine. He and John then continued to talk in sinking ship metaphors until each got their point across.

Then we had spring break. I looked a little bit, found some good opportunities, and asked John to decide whether he was okay with me applying for jobs.

(Let's rewind a minute to mention that I have NEVER, EVER applied for a teaching job. My current job was handed to me on a silver platter... (long story, e-mail me if you want to know) I don't have a resume, I don't know what a teaching resume is supposed to look like, and I really haven't a clue as to what I'm getting myself into. )

So then we go back to school. People are speculating... People are spreading all KINDS of rumors about everyone and their dog, and people are staying away from each other because heaven forbid someone be truthful!

Anyway, John finally decides that yes, I will apply for jobs. I work for days gathering information, getting various applications ready, trying to set up a resume, and writing cover letters.

Then the final straw...My principal found himself a new job.

I just keep asking myself these questions while I try and make it through the pages and pages of applications I've filled out and resumes I've made...

  • Do I really want to work with new administrators, new rules, less pay, and possibly no insurance unless I pay for it all myself (which we can't afford) with close to 30 kids in my classroom and no support? I think not... (although I may end up doing that anyway!)

So to my Principal's accuracy, our ship is sinking, everyone is looking to jump off. Just today our business manager, who is the reason why we're not in debt to begin with, is jumping ship too.

So I've sent my application to a few places, and this is where I come to you Internet friends...

  • Do you know of a school district hiring worth teaching in?
  • Do they offers infertility coverage?
  • Are you close to a metropolitan area where there are RE and such so we can move forward?

These are all the questions I have in my head. I've been dying to ask them, but with all of John's homework and my job hunting... finding time to write this has been rough! Any thoughts or suggestions are welcome :)

**Sorry if I'm rambling. I tried to make sense... I just have so much to try and get out of my head!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

More of John's Wonderful Cooking!

Well like I told you all a few weeks ago, I was contacted by to choose a product from one of their 200+ websites to review. John was very quick to let me know he wanted the Caphalon Pans. After my photo montage of him receiving his package, I'll turn my blog over to him for his review. Enjoy!

They're here!

Being very careful to open them so that he didn't hurt them.

Yay! (seriously, he was/is so excited about these pans!)

Reading the directions... who knew cookware came with instructions?!

Can you see all the excitement?

Iron Chef :)

This right here (eggs) were the reason why John wanted these pans so badly.

The first dish he made for us that we both could eat (since i don't eat eggs). It was pasta with cherry tomatoes and some other things he'll have to write about :) The important thing is, it tasted great!

Friday, April 2, 2010

Hippity Hoppity Easter's on it's way!

John just (as in within the last 20 minutes) came home from helping his mom hang blinds over at her house. He came home to clothes EVERYWHERE! I'm cleaning out the closet. Long overdue, and by cleaning it out means I'm cleaning a bunch of other places out.

ANYWAY, this post isn't about cleaning.

He came home and said his mom had gotten me something. So when I had a minute I needed to come find him. I walked into the office where he was to see this sitting on the desk.

I of course knew exactly what it was and start crying. Do you know what it was? If you've read my blog before I'm sure you do :) Here's a picture in case you forgot

Kami, I so appreciate this! I also appreciate you giving this to John to give to me and letting me have a private moment to accept this gift! Needless to say, this is again one of those gifts that means more to me than the person giving it probably realizes. So thank-you, thank-you, thank-you Kami! I love it and you, more than you know!

I really want to show off my wonderful gift from my MIL so I'm participating in Kate's (from Busted Plumbing) Blog Hop. Join along in the fun!

MckLinky Blog Hop

And now, back to cleaning :)