Well John spent WAY too much money on pregnancy tests only for us to see "not pregnant" on it this morning. A call is in to the Dr. to see what's next. I'll be honest... my hopes were up really high this time. Higher than I'm even admiting to myself. (However everyone I told today (see below) added their "We thought you were, too, this month!" C'est la vie...) I'm a little defeated. And I didn't do a very good job of faking it today. WAY too many people asked what was wrong. (raises water glass) "Here's to moving on!"
So... I don't even know where to start. I kept meaning to post on how my body had quit "working" and I had to take the crazy pills (pro.metrium). But then I was taking the pills and feeling all weird and not in the right place in my head to make any sense out of anything. Thank heavens this fell over spring break!!! I can't imagine my 23 special students with a crazy teacher!! So needless to say, nothing that was supposed to happen over spring break got done on my part. Between my weird emotions and REALLY strange side effects on Wednesday especially... the whole week was a prom.etrium induced weirdness! That made for a very hectic week last week trying to get everything graded, recorded and report cards printed in time for parent teacher conference last Thursday. Life has been non stop. SO here I am negative pregnancy test on 3-9 10 days of pills and strange side effects and now even 10 more days after the last pill and nothing. Besides a few spots 10 days ago not a dang thing. I don't know what's going on. It's like I told my mom when she called... You have to take a pregnancy test when you know you're not pregnant but just to be sure so there's a smidgen of hope in the back of your head. Then you take these pills with side effects equal to every pregnancy symptom out there to start your period when it's negative. BUT these are the SAME pills you'd be taking if you were pregnant to keep you that way. I'm so sick of the speculation going on in my head. Of the speculation others are sending my way when I tell them all of the weird things going on. Of the mental battle that has ensued the last 20 days of my life. (Read slept 25 hours of sleep in two days or super sensitive to smells) Honestly, its just like I told John at school today. I really don't want it to be positive. But in all reality I really, REALLY, REALLY!!! want it to be positive for what it COULD mean. Ugh! I'm conflicted. Any thoughts? Suggestions that aren't "take a pregnancy test!"? I'm just not sure I'm ready to face reality whichever way it goes. But I know I can't stay in this guessing stage much longer. INSANITY is on the brink! (OK, lets face it... I'm already there!)
2 years tomorrow.... I can't believe it! I know I haven't been very consistent. I know I don't share as much as I should, I know I mostly complain. However, this is my little corner of the world and I'm so grateful I have it! Thanks to all of you for supporting me. You're the best!
I have a doctors appointment today. I thought it was next Tuesday. I'm not emotionally prepared for this. I keep meaning to e-mail her (the nurse). I keep meaning to say all the things I want to say in an e-mail, but apparently that is not to be. Hopefully I can be strong, stick up for myself. Tell them that I'm not okay to keep trying with the ever looming "reccurent loss" possibility over my head. When I thought it was next week, my mom was going to come since she's in town. Unfortunately she has pnemonia so I'll be by myself.