I apologize this is late up front! I cannot believe we've already gone a month and it's time for ICLW again. Last month was my first time participating and I found so many new great blogs and fellow members of the IF community. I'm thrilled it's time again.
I'm a first grade teacher and today was the last day of first grade for the year. Needless to say it's been a busy and stressful week.
Here's a little bit about me and my infertility journey
Feb 02 Diagnosed with Endometriosis through lap.
June 03 married
Aug. 03 go off BCP
Aug-Dec 03 TTC on own
Jan-May 04 TTC with Dr. "home remedies" (old school dr.)
May-Sept. 04 TTC with help of Clomid
Oct 04 moved
March 05 annual visit, first mention of PCOS
June 06 PCOS diagnosis through BW must be on BCP or TTC can't just "wait and see"
I've been on BCP and Metformin ever since (don't have the money or emotional reserves necessary to proceed).
Husband goes back to school next week and hopefully in the next year or so we can start TTC actively again.
So no I haven't done IUI's IVF or any of the other things, but living with IF is hard no matter what place on the long road you occupy.
So welcome, and pardon my whining as of late, there's a lot of drama in my life... and this blog is my way of dealing.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Stress
So EVERY time I go to the doctor I'm told that I'm too stressed and my issues are all magnified by stress so I need to destress my life. When they ask me about how stressful my life is I just laugh at them. Here's the stress going on last week and this week in a nut shell. I'm hoping typing all of this out will help ease some stress and help me sleep a little better tonight (last night I woke up terrified that people were after me with guns... nice dream eh?).
- Being told I'm teaching a 1st 2nd grade SEI split class next year. (How ? I'm not sure yet!)
- Children missing (didn't get off at their bus stop type things) two days in a row.
- Our missing principal (so his wife was having a baby... it is still really difficult when he's gone!)
- Thursday our car dies (yes it's really dead after 11 years and 180,00+ miles it'll take $1800 to fix)
- Friday John fixes what we know is wrong himself (it doesn't work)
- Saturday was spent trying to get the car to St. George (John does good work!)
- Sunday no primary president or pianist in primary... unexpected.
- Today took the day of but spent it at school putting hands on the wall, end of the year Reading Rewards parade, End of year Dibels Report to keep funding for next year, ran to Mesquite to get treats for all of the parties this week, went to St. George after school to move the car to Bob's house after finding out how much it is to fix the car, grocery shopping, and finally coming home... all of this today has been accompanied by the worst headache I've had in a long time.
- This week is the last week of school which means report cards, end of 4th quarter testing, finishing 16 scrapbooks, cleaning our room, getting name tags off desks...etc, etc, etc!
- Students of the Month need to be recognized by Friday... (i'm in charge of making their certificates...)
Now don't get me wrong there have been multiple blessings in all of this, I see them and am extremely grateful for them. It doesn't make it less stressful or easy, but it does help me stay focused on the long term goals.
Needless to say, my next trip to the Dr. probably won't go any better. And I'm sure if I took my blood pressure today it would be THROUGH THE ROOF!
Here's to a new day tomorrow, let's hope things start looking up!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Mother's Day
Mother's day in my world is extremely hard to handle. The infertility that I have experienced and all of the pain and sadness it causes all seem to be very close to the surface by the time we make it to Mother's Day. The last 2 years in particular have been extra difficult becaue Mother's Day reminds me of the last time I saw and spent time with my Dad before he passed away. Now I know it's Mother's Day but alas those are the conflicting issues I have in my head when we get to this time of year.
This year my class made key chains and wrote letters to their moms for mothers day. This is usually the hardest part of mother's day for me only because with some of my darlings I feel I do WAY more for them then their mothers do. This year MOST of my kids have wonderful mothers that are everything a mother should be. SOME still I would love to take home with me but alas, I cannot.
Also, this year I was in LA with my aunt and uncle. We got to do some amazing things with them. On Saturday we did some shopping. In one of the stores they were handing out roses to the moms. On my way out the door they were asking if I was a mom, I said no, but they gave me the rose and wished me a Happy Mother's Day anyway. I was grateful for that! They didn't make it too awkward which was nice.
We also went to a concert that was marvelous. These kids are amazing! They too had a message (given by my uncle) about mothers day. His daughter also suffered from infertility for many years, adopted, and has since had 2 little boys of her own. He talked about how women are mothers in many ways. I think it was just for me, but whether or not it was, I'm extremely grateful he did! These darling children play and sing "I am a Child of God" was one of the highlights. So precious. And so talented! 
I survived church. I think it was because no one knew us, I related with the message, even though it was ALL ABOUT MOMS, however I could apply it to my teaching as well. Also, I really feel like my Heavenly Father was watching out for me and really telling my heart what HE wanted me to know. I left feeling very comforted.
We had dinner with my aunt and uncle and then headed home. I think the nicest part of my Mother's Day was the wonderful long nap I got on our long drive home. Also knowing my brother got to call home was fun, even though he didn't get to call us.
Overall, I think I survived, and actually enjoyed mother's day this year (at least compared to last year when I VOWED I would never go to church again on Mother's day!).
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Stupid Boy
So I had a mostly lovely weekend helping my sister move. Saturday night we had a wedding reception to go to for one of my great friends. I took him to my Jr. prom. After meeting and greeting both the bride and groom another friend from high school came up to chat with us. He's a year or so younger than me (but most of my friends in high school were that way). This is the conversation that followed:
Me: Hey, how are you doing?
SB(stupid boy): Hello! How are you?
Me: I'm loving life, everything is going really well.
SB So where are your kids then?
Me: I don't have any kids...Where are yours?
SB: Well wife just graduated, I changed my major...we don't have kids yet.
Me: Well, I have 17 first graders.
SB: They don't count.
SB continues talking I'm trying to not hit him... my sister is trying to change the subject with him... she's ready to hit him too.
Me:You know my standard response has become when Heavenly Father decides it's right for us to have kids we'll have them. (SB gives me a high five.)
SB: But that means you have to be listening (SB then slaps my husband on the arm who had been talking to someone else and tells him that he has to be listening)
Me: Well c-ya later
SB:Great to see you!
Me: Yeah, sure.
Somewhere in there I told his wife she was amazing for putting up with him (he's quite self absorbed and overly confident) plus from this conversation doesn't know what is his business and what isn't. I also called him Ryan to his wife...Totally not his actual name... and for a few minutes I didn't realize I had done it. lol. Oh well.
Needless to say this conversation infuriated me! Some people have such a warped sense of "how easy it is to get pregnant" you know the whole middle school safe sex talk "It only takes ONE time". Oh how I wish that were true.
I hope this kid learns some boundaries on what is appropriate to talk about and what isn't. But even after his unkind, rude words I wouldn't wish him to have to go through what I have.
I wish no one had to go through IF. The guilt alone for not being able to fulfill my life's purpose (self imposed thoughts no one else's fault) nor give my husband a child is devastating some days. Not to mention all of the other inadequacies, disappointments, failures, and let downs felt in this process.
The nice part of the evening was getting to see some REAL friends who asked how life was and were genuinely interested in my response even if children never came up in the conversation. Also seeing one of my long time friends who also has endo and her twins was a realy joy (It generated a lot of hope that when the time is right it will happen.)
So another weekend down! Luckily I get to pretend the dreaded upcoming holiday isn't happening this year (except when I call my own mother and maybe even send her some flowers or something). That is a huge relief!
Me: Hey, how are you doing?
SB(stupid boy): Hello! How are you?
Me: I'm loving life, everything is going really well.
SB So where are your kids then?
Me: I don't have any kids...Where are yours?
SB: Well wife just graduated, I changed my major...we don't have kids yet.
Me: Well, I have 17 first graders.
SB: They don't count.
SB continues talking I'm trying to not hit him... my sister is trying to change the subject with him... she's ready to hit him too.
Me:You know my standard response has become when Heavenly Father decides it's right for us to have kids we'll have them. (SB gives me a high five.)
SB: But that means you have to be listening (SB then slaps my husband on the arm who had been talking to someone else and tells him that he has to be listening)
Me: Well c-ya later
SB:Great to see you!
Me: Yeah, sure.
Somewhere in there I told his wife she was amazing for putting up with him (he's quite self absorbed and overly confident) plus from this conversation doesn't know what is his business and what isn't. I also called him Ryan to his wife...Totally not his actual name... and for a few minutes I didn't realize I had done it. lol. Oh well.
Needless to say this conversation infuriated me! Some people have such a warped sense of "how easy it is to get pregnant" you know the whole middle school safe sex talk "It only takes ONE time". Oh how I wish that were true.
I hope this kid learns some boundaries on what is appropriate to talk about and what isn't. But even after his unkind, rude words I wouldn't wish him to have to go through what I have.
I wish no one had to go through IF. The guilt alone for not being able to fulfill my life's purpose (self imposed thoughts no one else's fault) nor give my husband a child is devastating some days. Not to mention all of the other inadequacies, disappointments, failures, and let downs felt in this process.
The nice part of the evening was getting to see some REAL friends who asked how life was and were genuinely interested in my response even if children never came up in the conversation. Also seeing one of my long time friends who also has endo and her twins was a realy joy (It generated a lot of hope that when the time is right it will happen.)
So another weekend down! Luckily I get to pretend the dreaded upcoming holiday isn't happening this year (except when I call my own mother and maybe even send her some flowers or something). That is a huge relief!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
New ICLW Participant here
Welcome to All IComLeavWe buddies! Here's a little countdown to tell you a little about me. Next time I think I'll steal the ABC intro idea!
10 number of months we TTC with Dr. supervision and clomid
9 different brands of BCP since age 14
8 years ago I graduated high school.
7 years ago diagnosed with Endometriosis
6 years ago this June I got married :)
5 number of first grade classes I have taught
4 years ago I was diagnosed with PCOS (finally)
3 reasons I'm an aunt (4th on its way)
2 number of "new" pregnancies I was told about 'IRL' in the last week
1 westie Tuffy...my sweet puppy!
0 what we're doing now to TTC... everything is on hold until DH finishes school in 2 years.
Anything else you want to know, is it unclear? Let me know! I'm so thrilled to be part of this wonderful IF community. Thanks for including me!
10 number of months we TTC with Dr. supervision and clomid
9 different brands of BCP since age 14
8 years ago I graduated high school.
7 years ago diagnosed with Endometriosis
6 years ago this June I got married :)
5 number of first grade classes I have taught
4 years ago I was diagnosed with PCOS (finally)
3 reasons I'm an aunt (4th on its way)
2 number of "new" pregnancies I was told about 'IRL' in the last week
1 westie Tuffy...my sweet puppy!
0 what we're doing now to TTC... everything is on hold until DH finishes school in 2 years.
Anything else you want to know, is it unclear? Let me know! I'm so thrilled to be part of this wonderful IF community. Thanks for including me!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Show and Tell Relay for Life
This week for show and tell, something much more personal/emotional for me.
This is my Dad and I.
I was/am very much a daddy's girl always. I am the oldest and always found fun, comfort, and solace with my dad. We were very similar, quick temper, not very patient (with people who should know better) , but always loving, kind, and funny. His smile was the greatest! And being the cause for that smile was my ultimate goal in life... I hope I'm causing him to smile while he watches on from a much better place.
When he was first diagnosed with cancer (thanks to the dentist who noticed) the projection was great they could remove the part of the tongue with the cancer and life would go back to normal. He was ready and fought with all he had through 3 different types of cancer, at least that many major surgeries, several rounds of chemo, and radiation for months and months.
In March of 2007 we were told he was cancer free.
In May I got a phone call and was told the cancer was not only back but it was terminal. I flew home a week later...no one knew I was coming except my friend from high school that was picking me up from the airport, and my brother who I told at the last minute to leave a door open for me (I got in at midnight.).
The picture is from that weekend. It was Mother's Day weekend. My dad was so happy I was home. That is the last picture I have with my dad.
That Monday while I accompanied him to doctor's appointments and radiation he was in so much pain...and it was killing my mom's spirit too.
I returned home and my prayer changed... Please make him better or take him home with You where he won't be in so much pain.
On June 8, 2007 my brother in a panic called and woke us up at 6:00 telling me my dad was dying. 30 minutes later I spoke with my unbelievably calm mother who informed me that indeed he had passed away. Just 3 days before I would have gotten to see him again, he was gone.
I love my dad. I think about him every day. I know that he is happy and pain free where he is now. I also know that my family is a Forever Family and I will live with him again.
This year, I Relay for him. Please join me in supporting my brother's team Spark Hope and the American Cancer Society.
Be sure to check out what the rest of the class is showing.
This is my Dad and I.I was/am very much a daddy's girl always. I am the oldest and always found fun, comfort, and solace with my dad. We were very similar, quick temper, not very patient (with people who should know better) , but always loving, kind, and funny. His smile was the greatest! And being the cause for that smile was my ultimate goal in life... I hope I'm causing him to smile while he watches on from a much better place.
When he was first diagnosed with cancer (thanks to the dentist who noticed) the projection was great they could remove the part of the tongue with the cancer and life would go back to normal. He was ready and fought with all he had through 3 different types of cancer, at least that many major surgeries, several rounds of chemo, and radiation for months and months.
In March of 2007 we were told he was cancer free.
In May I got a phone call and was told the cancer was not only back but it was terminal. I flew home a week later...no one knew I was coming except my friend from high school that was picking me up from the airport, and my brother who I told at the last minute to leave a door open for me (I got in at midnight.).
The picture is from that weekend. It was Mother's Day weekend. My dad was so happy I was home. That is the last picture I have with my dad.
That Monday while I accompanied him to doctor's appointments and radiation he was in so much pain...and it was killing my mom's spirit too.
I returned home and my prayer changed... Please make him better or take him home with You where he won't be in so much pain.
On June 8, 2007 my brother in a panic called and woke us up at 6:00 telling me my dad was dying. 30 minutes later I spoke with my unbelievably calm mother who informed me that indeed he had passed away. Just 3 days before I would have gotten to see him again, he was gone.
I love my dad. I think about him every day. I know that he is happy and pain free where he is now. I also know that my family is a Forever Family and I will live with him again.
This year, I Relay for him. Please join me in supporting my brother's team Spark Hope and the American Cancer Society.
Be sure to check out what the rest of the class is showing.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Babies and Fixing Unspoken Misunderstandings
There have been LOTS of baby news in my life lately. Along with John and I having a long chat...
Last Friday we went to the temple. It was great to be there (even if I did cause ALL KINDS of problems!) I really wish we took more advantage of it being so close! A new goal to work on. Anyway, I really felt like I needed to talk to John about starting to save money for when he is done with school and we can try to have a baby again. We have at least two years (probably more). There are of course lots of things that are immediate or very near future needs or debts that need to be paid off ASAP. But by starting to save money we can eliminate the debt and be able to buy the new(at least to us) car that is in the very near future for us.
It shocked me when John kinda lost it when I brought all of this up. I guess he hasn't really thought about (like I have, since I think about it daily) the fact that we'd most likely have to resort to major medical interventions to have a baby. I don't know what he'd thought we'd go through... but from my wonderful blogging buddies...I know the road will be long and costly unless there is a miracle out there for us.
Our biggest misunderstanding was that he was freaking out about how we were going to make ends meet now if we were saving as much as I suggested for later...I of course took this wrong in the moment as "he wasn't willing to even give it a shot". Needless to say, now we understand each other and I'm not sure how we will proceed exactly, but I'm glad we got all of our feelings out in the open regardless. Because at least now I KNOW John knows how I feel and how I would like to proceed. Even if he still doesn't thing we're going to need as much 'help' as I do.
Moral of the story... talk about what you're thinking.
- Over Spring break I finished crochetting all of the baby afghans for my cousins that have had kids. They turned out really well especially the last one I did :)!
- Friday we found out we will be aunt/uncle x4 John's sister is pregnant with #4. We're so excited for them. I've always given them a hard time about when their children have been born (Nov, Dec, Jan)... Birthdays and Christmas gets difficult! This time they tried for a summer baby for me, but as I know OH SO WELL planning these things are not exactly EASY :0).
- A week and a half ago my cousin Dian had her first baby. A boy. She was delivered 49 minutes after getting into the delivery room. The little guy spent a few days in the NICU getting antibiotics for an infection (that he never actually got) but he's home now and everything is going well.
- A week ago my neighbor had her 3rd little boy. Yesterday we took them dinner. I got to spend a good 20 minutes holding this little guy (6lbs 5oz). John held him for a while too. He is so precious! We came home and I had a moment. I yelled "I want a baby!" John understood...I know he does... especially after our long chat the other day.
Last Friday we went to the temple. It was great to be there (even if I did cause ALL KINDS of problems!) I really wish we took more advantage of it being so close! A new goal to work on. Anyway, I really felt like I needed to talk to John about starting to save money for when he is done with school and we can try to have a baby again. We have at least two years (probably more). There are of course lots of things that are immediate or very near future needs or debts that need to be paid off ASAP. But by starting to save money we can eliminate the debt and be able to buy the new(at least to us) car that is in the very near future for us.
It shocked me when John kinda lost it when I brought all of this up. I guess he hasn't really thought about (like I have, since I think about it daily) the fact that we'd most likely have to resort to major medical interventions to have a baby. I don't know what he'd thought we'd go through... but from my wonderful blogging buddies...I know the road will be long and costly unless there is a miracle out there for us.
Our biggest misunderstanding was that he was freaking out about how we were going to make ends meet now if we were saving as much as I suggested for later...I of course took this wrong in the moment as "he wasn't willing to even give it a shot". Needless to say, now we understand each other and I'm not sure how we will proceed exactly, but I'm glad we got all of our feelings out in the open regardless. Because at least now I KNOW John knows how I feel and how I would like to proceed. Even if he still doesn't thing we're going to need as much 'help' as I do.
Moral of the story... talk about what you're thinking.
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