Life with Endometriosis and PCOS

A new day

2012-02-01T16:55:00.000-08:00

Well sorry about that last freak out post. I seriously started at least 8 separate posts that same day. All about very inconsequential things, but, couldn't finish more than one or two sentences about the topic when moments before I had loads of things to say.

While all the same things are still on my plate, I'm digging out slowly and taking one thing at a time. I've also thrown myself into serving others in small but meaningful ways. It helps me feel better. Like I can do some good in the world, while still not having to tell myself what to do.

Today's job... get my desk at school cleaned. And while it's not perfect, and there is a huge stack of papers on the floor next to my desk now... I feel like I was successful. Amazing how such a small thing can make such a big difference.

Another huge weight lifted...Our plants are growing for my national board video taping lessons! YAY! We've been able to start practicing some parts of what I'm going to want my kids to do on the video. Slowly introducing the various components. Like using the computer to enter their measurements, their journals to draw and write in and rulers to measure with without ruining their plants. Kids!

My plate is too full

2012-01-30T20:25:00.000-08:00

I can't focus.

I'm not getting anything done.

I can't spit out any cohesive thoughts.

I need a lifeline.

People just keep adding to the pile, I need it to be July!

(or this could all just be the clo.mid talking)

Being Social

2012-01-28T07:35:00.000-08:00

This title makes me LOL...because I know how not social I tend to be. Because face it, when you're hopped up on hormones one is usually not too pleasant to be around. (just ask John)

However the last two Fridays we've had dinner plans with friends. Both times we had a blast. Completely different types of people each time as well. I think I need to get out and be more social more often.

I find, I'm so much happier getting out and having that time where I'm allowed to not think about National Board writing, planning, video taping etc. Also, with the added 101 year celebration of learning for our community that I got put in charge of and of course my new church responsibilities. I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed.

Ok, face it. A lot overwhelmed.

So, my goal is to do more social things with people that make me happy. Like these last two weeks. They've been amazing evenings and good stress relievers for me. I feel my blood pressure dropping as I spend time with people I like.

This is a good goal because this next week I get to go to my niece's baptism. She even called me herself and asked me to speak. I adore her and I'm so excited! Plus, my friend is coming into town with her family who I absolutely adore. Next week will be a busy weekend but full of fun for me!

Well, now off to go type up some more for my National Board. On today's agenda, the planning section for my Integrating Math and Science Lesson. And if I get brave watching my Social Studies lesson. (I'm really scared to do that for fear that it won't be what I need it to be).

More than Last Year

2012-01-26T19:12:00.000-08:00

Well, my posts might have been short and inconsequential, but I have blogged more this month than I did through all of last year.

I don't really have a reason. However, I did want to contribute to this community as much as I've taken away from it. And to me, that means blogging and keeping up my side of the blogger relationship.

So, I looked at all the bloggers I just love and realized they post consistently and about seemingly inconsequential things as well as the bigger, more important things. I decided that would be a good place for me to start.

There are several bloggers that I just adore! I feel like I know them and would be able to have great conversations with them and be the best of friends, if only we could meet in real life. I am thrilled when they e-mail me back after a comment or include me in a reply tweet. The best way I thought to contribute was to allow people into my world. That's only possible as a blogger if you post. So that's what I've done.

I don't know if I'll post every day all year or even every day for the rest of this month. But, I do know that I love hearing your comments and visiting your blogs to see what you're all doing. I'm super busy and shouldn't really be blogging right now, but here I am doing it anyway, because it's important to me. This community is important to me.

Decisions

2012-01-25T21:39:00.001-08:00

Self medicated was my decision.

I don't really know why, except the multiple doctors who have drilled into my head BCP unless we're trying. And I don't have any BCP, but I do have clom.id.

Plus, it buys me another month to try and figure out a new plan. Right?

Am I thinking rationally? Eh, who knows at this point. Rational thoughts are asking a lot at this point!

YW President

2012-01-24T21:04:00.001-08:00

In my church, all of the organizations are run by members, including our bishop. No one is paid. Everyone has outside lives and respondsibilities.

Sunday, 3 minutes before sacrament meeting started, I was called/asked to be the new Young Women's president. That means I'd be in charge of all the 12-18 year old girls. I said yes, because I already knew it was coming.

You see, my friend I wrote about that was moving away, was our YW president. I was serving with her. Ever since Wednesday I'd been discussing with my Heavenly Father about all the reasons why it couldn't and shouldn't be me.

Obviously He had other plans. I'm sure He's having a good laugh. It's a good thing He knows His eternal plan for me. Because my short sighted plan-seeing self is very overwhelmed.

Field Trip

2012-01-23T19:02:00.000-08:00

Today, the 2nd and 3rd graders went to Las Vegas on a field trip. We were on the bus for a very long time, about 2 hours.

We headed to see the Secret Garden at the Mirage. It was AMAZING! We got to be just feet away from dolphins (so close, in fact, that I was concerned that one of my darling kids would drop their camera over the edge or worse one of them would fall in!). We also saw lions, both white and golden tigers, and a black and spotted leopard. The staff there were phenomenal with our kids and everything was very informational and well run. We had a great guide, too. My favorite part was seeing the newest baby dolphins. The white tigers were also pretty amazing. For being nocturnal, these guys were wide awake for us this morning!

It was probably one of the coolest field trips I've been on. Definitely the one that was easiest for me to participate in because, thankfully, I wasn't in charge.

I'll try and get some pictures uploaded soon. It was seriously cool!

The only downside, AF showed up in full force on the way down and I had no protective measures in place. I didn't let it keep me down, at least not until I got home tonight. It's been the first night where I've really missed my TV! (yes, because 2 whole days of not missing it, is a big deal apparently!)

Home Videos

2012-01-22T19:37:00.000-08:00

So I borrowed my step father's Video/DVD recorder forever ago and meant to burn all my home movies I stole from my mom years ago. But, I never got around to it. So now, with no TV to watch... it's finally getting done.

I'm currently watching Christmas of 1999. I'm honestly shocked to see how very much the same we each are. I mean my youngest brother who's now 19 acted the same exact way at age 7 as he does now. It is uncanny to watch this little person act like my now adult brother.

Not to mention me. WOW!

I have NOT changed in my mannerisms much, the words might have changed that I use to express disbelief or excitement but I'm the same.

And the crazy clown lounge pants my dad always wore, Oh man, good times!

It's also really neat to hear and see my dad. It's been 4 and a half years since he passed away. I miss him like crazy.

I miss that. I miss my little family all driving each other crazy but all being together. With none of my siblings living near by at the moment I'm missing them all like crazy! So now, off to write my 3 missionaries.

Moral of the story, I have the best family EVER! So glad they're my eternal family!

No TV

2012-01-21T16:31:00.000-08:00

Well it will either be the best decision we've ever made or by Tuesday we'll be pulling our hair out.

We finally cancelled our DirecTV.

2 1/2 years after our contract was up.

I LOVE TV and in our little realm of the universe it was our source of entertainment without having to drive 10 miles into town. I have so many shows I love. However, that's probably why now was the perfect time to get rid of it.

I couldn't swallow the price. Not when we're trying to get all our bills paid.

We're still not sure if we have access to local TV. We may pursue that avenue at a later date.

But for now, today was the most productive stay at home day I've had in a long while. Especially with National Board. Yay!

Thanks! and What to do?

2012-01-20T20:32:00.000-08:00

First of all, thank you for all of your prayers and well wishes for my sister. I found out today my mom is going to get to go down to CA for a few days when it happens. Could be as soon as Tuesday. I'd love to go to, but I hate planning for a sub! Plus, I don't think I could leave her there. The last year has been killer to not get to talk to her all the time!

Well if the awful hormone headache is any indication of what's in my immediate future... I probably should figure out how we're proceeding. I currently have one round of clo.mid that we never used last year I could self-medicate... or I should, you know, actually see a doctor!

My RE in SLC seems to be blowing me off, or he actually decided to retire and just not tell me... Do I keep trying to work with him? It's such an inconvenience that he's 5 hours away. Or do I just move on? And if I move on where do I go?

I wish I had a million dollars to do what I wanted, when I was ready, when it comes to this whole trying to have a baby process. Unfortunately for us, it all comes down to money or technically our lack thereof.

A problem with being related to me...

2012-01-19T19:51:00.000-08:00

I feel really guilty.

I mean, I know I didn't DO anything to cause this to happen. I also know there isn't a reason why this happened. Also, there's nothing more I could have done to prevent this from happening. Ugh! Regardless, I still feel awful.

My one and only sister also has PCOS and endo. She has always been reluctant to believe me that I knew what her pain was from and to listen to the *wise* words I offered her.

Currently, my sister is serving a full time mission for our church. She hasn't been on BCP for a long time... She says, "I don't like how they make me feel." Which, I can totally understand, but take them regardless because of the benefits.

She's been having a really rough go. She's been in some constant pain for years. However, it has gotten severe since she started on her mission. She also has a huge and growing cyst on her ovary... (I'm saying its most likely an endometrioma). Her 1 female doctor that is on her insurance has been blowing her off over the last 3 months.

By some miracle she ended up seeing one of the other doctors in the practice. His first question was... "Why hasn't she removed this?" So hopefully before the month is up she'll have had surgery to remove the huge cyst and the endo. Of course the doctor told her there were risks with the surgery, namely that they may end up having to take the whole ovary... and my mother's words of what were said "but you only need one". Oh how I cringed and laughed out loud in annoyance at nonchalance of it all.

I'm so hoping this will help her be in less pain. I'm so sorry this is what it's come to for her. I always was wishing she wouldn't have to be on the same path as I am. However, I'm thrilled she'll finally be able to get the help she needs and hopefully be able to finish out the last 6 months of her mission pain free.

She's my hero!

Friends

2012-01-18T21:28:00.000-08:00

I am having a really hard time finding and keeping friends that live close enough I can see on a regular basis. Don't get me wrong, I have a few really excellent friends that I get to see almost every day because I'm lucky enough to work with them. However, that usually means they've had enough of me by the end of the day/week that they're ready for a break. ;)

Tonight I found out that one of my newly found friends is moving... in two weeks! I feel totally gipped (this is how the mac says I should spell this word... blogger says its gypped and I'm to lazy to go look in an actual dictionary!).

I mean, I've known her for the last 5 years that I've lived here but never had a chance to/made time to get to know her. So I guess it's technically my fault that I didn't realize how great she is before now. The last 6 months we've worked together at church in the same organization and I just ADORE her! I'm so sad I didn't get to know her better sooner. I'm lame. Phoenix, you're getting a really awesome new family in two weeks!

I'm going to start to have abandonment issues if people I like a whole lot keep leaving me!

The new recess fad

2012-01-17T19:34:00.000-08:00

My kiddos are loving to play "human dominos" on the slide at recess. After a week, I finally pulled out my phone and remembered to take a picture from behind so you can't see their cute faces. (However, the quality is AWFUL so you couldn't tell who they were even if you could see their faces!)

They really are my life for the 9 months I'm allowed to be their teacher. I'm so lucky!

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Day

2012-01-16T20:53:00.000-08:00

So I totally posted this on my other blog when meaning to post it here. Sorry if you're reading it twice because of that!

I'm so thankful for a day off of school! It allowed us to have an extra low stress day. It was lovely! We slept in, ate a yummy breakfast, got in some game playing, laundry, exercising, blog reading, and yes I even did some things for school.

However, I'd be remised if I didn't express gratitude for Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. As I've taught my third graders about this man and his dreams for America over the past week which will continue this week. It has been interesting discussing segregation, civil rights, and equality and hearing their points of view.

While I do believe the simple version of Dr. King's dream has come true... I do still believe we have a long way to go as a society to accomplish the real intent I heard when listening to his speech in its entirety today for the first time. So, let's keep moving towards the end goal. I know its attainable if we can put our pride aside.

Also, to the state of AZ... I'm disappointed you've renamed the holiday Human Rights Day. Give Dr. King some credit!

Look What I Made

2012-01-15T19:10:00.000-08:00

Hannah requested something sock monkey for baby Matthew's 1st birthday coming up. Here's what I made. It is my first attempt and in no way perfect. But I think it turned out fantastic!

I found the pattern here. Unfortunately she's not blogging anymore because I LOVED the pattern! It may be a little big, but that just means he can wear it longer.

Hope you love it as much as I do. I have a feeling I'll be making many more of these. It was super fun!

Stake Conference

2012-01-14T22:33:00.001-08:00

It's been a very blessed day. It is stake conference for church this weekend. We've been lucky enough to have a general authority, Elder Choi (pronounced Chay) and his wife in town.

The Chois are funny. They're from South Korea. It's been a lot of fun learning about the church and their conversions in South Korea.

I have a really hard time with these conferences. So much talk about raising families and all. But today wasn't too bad.. I dealt with it well, at least.

We talked a lot about building our faith. Which we can all do. We had two meetings tonight 3 1/2 hours worth. The same tomorrow since we work with the youth.

I can't wait for tomorrow!

The year of 10th anniversary begins

2012-01-13T16:40:00.000-08:00

Ok, so the years of 10th anniversaries technically began last June 15th which would have been the 10th anniversary of our first meeting. Then, the random day in late November when we started chatting online. And of course the 10th anniversary of the infamous Christmas Eve phone call that I made from my garage while home in Indy visiting my family. But some people say none of that counts... so for them

10 years ago this weekend John and I went on our first date.

Our lunch at the Morris Center on BYU campus was the first time we'd spent with each other for longer than 5 minutes. I had several girls eating lunch at the same time within eyesight just in case it didn't work out I could signal them. However, between that lunch meeting (because I refuse to say it was a date seeing as I (ok really my parents because they bought me the meal plan) paid and had a back up plan ready) and our official first date that evening, I KNEW I was going to marry him.

I knew so certainly I didn't want to go on the date with him! I was terrified. Not to mention I was determined NOT to be one of those girls that went off to BYU and got married their first year. So, when I went to meet him for our date, he met me with a dozen purple roses. I used this time, taking the roses up to put them in water, to freak right out and telling anyone that would listen that I just couldn't go on this date.

But I did go.

And I'm SO thrilled I did. I can't imagine my life without him.

We went to see the 10th anniversary release of Beauty and the Beast in the IMAX theater.

And so for this 10th anniversary of our first date Disney decided, just for us, to re-release Beauty and the Beast in 3D.

Of course, we're going. It will be absolutely lovely. I bet neither one of us realized what a perfect first date that was when we went. I have a feeling we may be having one of these very dates every ten years for the rest of our lives... and I couldn't be more thrilled!

Love you John!

ps I promise to post pictures of my dozen purple roses he brings me since I told him it wouldn't be the same without them and pictures of our pages I scrapbooked from our first date sometime soon!

Bad start

2012-01-12T19:16:00.000-08:00

to yet another busy day!

We had a staff meeting this morning at 8:00 (we're supposed to be at school by 7:45). I was supposed to talk about our Celebration of 101 years of learning in our small part of the world. Yeah... I showed up about 5 after 8 with a hole in my shirt and no breakfast. I totally lost my composure after the meeting. I just cannot seem to keep my life pulled together these days. Luckily I have the best most compassionate co-workers. They talked me down off a ledge and fed me breakfast. I'm forever grateful!

I'm so thankful for a three day weekend and a half day tomorrow. If I had less things on my plate I'd love to run away somewhere, but I just can't. I want to curl up and pretend I don't have one million things to get done.

Anyway I did manage to get close to everything on my to do list accomplished and done well might I add. Also, I've sat on the couch since I got home at 6. I think I'll go to bed early.

John's at the school board meeting and that might never get over. I'm sure there were or will yet be some explosive fireworks, I know a lot of community members were upset by a board member moving 1 of her 3 kids across state lines to attend school. Should be interesting to hear about! Its meetings like these when I'm thankful I have my doctors orders to fall back on... "no unnecessary stressful situations".

***Update: Apparently my fellow upset community members kept to themselves this evening. No one said a thing in the 3 hours John was at the meeting. Its so interesting the things people won't say to someone's face but have no problem complaining about otherwise. (I'm this way too with certain people about certain things, I have to be in order to keep my job!)

Wednesdays

2012-01-11T21:16:00.000-08:00

Wednesdays are the LONGEST days of the week. Especially right now. I feel the need to share my Wednesday with you.

6:40 alarm goes off. snooze til 10 after 7.

7:40 Leave for school

7:45 arrive at school (run around like crazy person trying to get everything accomplished while at the same time forgetting to do all the REALLY important things like charge my video camera battery, ugh!)

8:30 school starts

8:55 got to spelling bee, spend 1 hour there... good-bye math
10:00 sick student, Reading time
11:40 take kids to lunch, run around like crazy person and try to eat my own lunch (today I actually got to eat lunch during lunch time because my mom came to school and she cooked it for me!)
12:10 back to get the kids for small group
1:00 Specials (today was computers) Get ready to video tape and completely loose track of time. Still forget to charge my video camera
1:30 Prep students for video taping. Review rules, procedures, and give examples.
2:15 finally ready to video tape. Have to re-adjust group locations so the video camera can be plugged in. Should be able to pull 15 minutes out of 35 minutes worth of tape.
2:20 stop video taping to review rules and procedures.
2:25 start video taping again.
2:50 stop video taping and scramble to get ready to go home in time.
3:05 finally headed to the bus
3:15 finally start tutoring
4:00 head to the bus
4:05 argue with bus drivers who have chosen to not do what we told them yesterday to do

4:15 finally at National Board meeting

5:00 finally home

5:10 read scriptures

5:30 NBC nightly news (the only thing John MUST watch on TV)

6:00 get things ready for mutual

6:45 eat dinner

7:00 Mutual for Young Men and Young Women at the church (John and I are both working with the 12-18 years olds at church these days)

8:45 arrive home from Mutual

9:00 exercise on the Wii

9:30 shower

10:00 blogging

10:30? bed

No wonder I'm so tired! I'm sure all y'all don't really care, however this doesn't even take into account the number of times I heard "Mrs. Reyes" today. LOL Or the number of times I asked the same students to close their mouths or follow directions or try it by themselves. Sheesh. Anyway, I'm one busy lady. Especially on Wednesdays.

Maybe tomorrow while everyone is at the tension filled school board meeting that I'm not allowed to go to (best doctor's orders EVER!) I'll go snuggle my friend's new baby some more. I haven't seen her in a whole week!

Winners

2012-01-10T21:27:00.000-08:00

I decided since there were only 4 comments I'd make something for all 4 of you!

First winner is Hannah at Life Happens When You're Making Other Plans. She has the sweetest baby Matthew who is just adorable. In fact, click here to help him win the cutest baby contest!

Second winner is Nicole at Whispered Words Forever Captured. She's mom to one cute baby girl and she's also a huge advocate for Endometriosis Awareness.

Third winner is Gretchen who blogs at Not enough devotion. She's is one of my longtime friends and will be a lifetime friend. I have 1 person from high school I ensure I stay in touch with and it's her. She is a high school English teacher. She is also the owner of one of the cutest big dogs Schmoo. She's amazing and I adore her!

The final winner is Nivette who blogs at a connors' conundrum. Nivette and I have more things in common than not. She was my college roommate for 2 whole years, we share the same birthday and so many other random things. She is the mom of 2 and a master seamstress. Go check her out on Etsy!

So, let me know what you want me to make for you 4. Thanks for reading and commenting!

Taco John's

2012-01-09T20:08:00.000-08:00

So, my husband is the BEST cook.

I know, I know I'm a lucky lady. He also does the laundry and the dishes! He truly is amazing. This semester he's not taking classes and so that means for the last 9 days I've gotten a home-cooked delicious meal.

I like most everything that John makes. There's been a few of his cooking experiments (Experiments 626 to be exact) that we both haven't loved but he's gotten really good at making things we like. However, there is rarely a day that goes by where he doesn't lament my dislike of eggs. He's gotten me to like a lot of things, maybe in our next ten years I'll change my mind about eggs.

I've posted many pictures before of all of the yummy creations he whips up for dinner each night. However, one of my most favorite meals he makes for me is tacos. These are 'authentic', or at least more so than the 'Blackburn style tacos' I have to beg him for when I'm feeling homesick.

My favorite part of having a big Sunday dinner of roast beast, potatoes and carrots. (OK, yes I did write roast beast instead of roast beef. I blame my husband and The Grinch. That's always what he's called it and it is now just in my everyday vocabulary.)

Anyway, tonight, Taco John's was open for business and the tacos were delicious as usual! Good thing I don't have to share him or his tacos with anyone else.

Gophers

2012-01-08T22:11:00.000-08:00

We have a gopher problem. We've had it for a few months but they've stayed out of the back yard and only along the side yard. However, today they made their presence known to us and Tuffy. They finally broke ground within the boundaries of the fence.

We also have a westie. Westies "were bred to chase down small prey such as otters, foxes, badgers, and vermin." Therefore, Tuffy went into "must find gopher" mode, or "Squirrel!" mode if you've seen Up. Totally immune to any requests we had of him or paying us any attention all morning.

Finally, he gave up and came in at some point while we were at church because when we got home he was curled up on the back of the couch where he usually is. Thankfully there weren't any gophers inside our house when we got home.

Hopefully, he doesn't dig under our chicken wire along the bottom of the fence and escape. That's my biggest fear at this point. He's part of the family and I couldn't function very well without him. However, I wouldn't mind if he solved our gopher problem. I guess we'd better go get him caught up on all of his shots!

Vortex

2012-01-07T21:24:00.001-08:00

When its storming up north we always have a ton of wind. Today it didn't start up until about 2. But John came home from town to a pile of tumble weeds several high and deep. The picture was taken before I tried to move them all out of the way. But they looped right back around. We aren't protected in any direction from the wind so our house creates this vortex effect causing things to circle around and around. it took john at least 30 minutes before he could pull the car in the garage.

It's Official I'm a National Board Certified Teacher Candidate

2012-01-06T21:30:00.000-08:00

Well, it's official. I'm a candidate for National Board Certification. I got the official letter in the mail that I've been cleared to test. I think there's something like 4 tests...ouch!

I've been working on it since this time last year with a pre-candidacy class and a summer institute. Participating in these two things allowed me to get a scholarship from the AZ K-12 center that covers the entire cost of becoming Nationally Board Certified. ($2,565!!!) I never would have been able to do it without this scholarship. I'm thankful for the AZ K-12 Center. They've been amazing and so supportive.

There are 7 of us going through this process in our district this year all at the elementary school. (We're really small, less than 500 kids.) Apparently, it's a pretty big deal articles in the paper and such. We'll see how many of us actually achieve national board status. It's extremely rigorous.

I'm not gonna lie. I really was hoping something would come up and they'd find a reason to not allow me to do it because it is SO much work. However, now that I've gotten official word I can move full steam ahead without that hope holding me back.

I have to plan and videotape some pretty extensive lessons in integrating science and math and also in social studies. I also have to analyze multiple writing assignments from a couple students and discuss my involvement as a leader, learner, and collaborator.

Ugh. It honestly is the most work I've ever done over the course of the year EVER. Its something like 40+ type written pages, even more supporting documentation, and two 15 minute videos. Crazy!

I'm planning a Civil rights/Martin Luther King Jr./Civil War unit for my social studies lessons to be taken from. Last year our whole civil rights/civil war unit was a huge success and it really got my students thinking. I'm hoping this year is no different and I'll have a lot of videos to choose from.

I've had a much harder time with science. I've had a ton of ideas, but haven't been able to get one worked out in my head. A co-worker of mine who used to teach 3rd grade helped me track down some things to maybe do something with fast growing plants. I think it's going to work, but it's going to take a lot of preparation on my part.

Are any of you teachers? Are you nationally board certified? How did you do? Anyone have any great ideas for a civil rights unit or integrating math and science unit with third graders?

I'd LOVE to hear your ideas or have you point me in the direction of some amazing third grade ideas whether they'd help me towards National Board or not.

Sorry to write about this completely random piece of my life... but it's taking up a lot of my brain capacity right now and many of my "free" hours. Also, I'm 6 for 6 (just in case you hadn't been paying attention).

Have you not been keeping up with my blogging every day? Be sure to enter my "Happy 104th post" thank-you giveaway.

Oops! Happy 100th post to me; better late than never!

2012-01-05T21:27:00.000-08:00

So, apparently I TOTALLY missed my 100th post.

OK, I didn't miss it. It was my first post of 2012.

I just didn't acknowledge it.

This is post 104. I'm determined to keep up blogging and hope to add another 100 posts this year alone... which looking at my history would be more than the last 3 years combined, go figure!

In honor of my 104th post, and my 5th day in a row blogging, and my recent craftiness, I've decided to have a little thank-you contest.

I'll give one of you that comment on this post something homemade or semi-homemade by yours truly. I crochet, make jewelry, teach, and love scrap-booking and card-making. You can pick your poison. Also, if there's something you've found that you'd love to have me make you, link to it in your comment as well. I'm not making any promises that I can make you what you link to, but I'll try my hardest!

To enter, just leave a comment linking me to your blog, twitter account, email, or pintrest boards. Make sure I have SOME way to let you know you won my little contest.

This little contest will be open until Tuesday, January 10, 2012 at 9pm MST. Good Luck!

And thanks for reading!

in full disclosure, no one is paying me or giving me anything to do this giveaway. I will be providing the prize, materials, and man power to make it at my own expense i just love this online community and want to give a small piece of me back.

Thank you for those of you who entered my little contest! Winners chosen.

New school day...

2012-01-04T21:31:00.001-08:00

Well, I had a typical day.

The administration extended our school day by 30 minutes since we've come back from break. Also, I'm tutoring for an additional hour Tue, Wed, and Thu so I'm now not even thinking about leaving school until 4 o'clock (i have to be there at 7:45 or earlier). Needless to say I came home and crashed. This extra 90 minutes is kicking my trash! But I can do one more month of anything, right!?

While I napped, Tuffy was barking like crazy, he does every day when the neighbor takes his two dogs down past our house to the wash. So, John locked him inside. When he came in he drained his water dish. We forgot to open the doggie door when we left for mutual (church activity for girls and boys 12-17). We were home a good 20 minutes before John discovered the shut doggie door and the literal river across the tile floor as a result. Poor Tuffy! He's never had that kind of accident in the house. Thankfully, I have my steam cleaner. (After we cleaned it all up and used cleaner on it.)

Also, 4 days in a row, if you're keeping track like I am ;) yay!

Back to school

2012-01-03T20:31:00.000-08:00

So, today was the first day back to school. It is AMAZING to me how much I ADORE some of the people I work with and how much I miss them when I don't get to see them 5 days a week and yet there are so many others that I hang out in the dark in my classroom pretending I'm not at school. Do you all have that same sort of variety in your relationships with your co-workers? Is this a normal feeling?

Regardless, I got to be back with my kiddos. They're so much fun and truly why I keep at this job. I'm just so dang attached to these families. I've been here long enough that they know me and I have a reputation.

This year has been super stressful with trying to become Nationally Board Certified. But, it'll all be over by the end of the year, with the classroom integrated tasks done by April. I'm not looking forward to all of the typing I have to do over the next 3 months! This may severely limit my blog posting... or maybe it will encourage it because it can be a nice distraction. Either way at the end of this week I'll have less days left in the school year that we've already completed! Yay!

Also, 3 days of 2012 and 3 blog posts. This may be some sort of record for me.

Back to Reality

2012-01-02T20:31:00.000-08:00

Well today was the last day of winter break. It was nice to have a Monday to relax finish up those things we hadn't manage to accomplish in the last two weeks and best of all only having to change from one pair of pajamas into another ;)

We were super busy today. But we also got to sleep in (read 7:45) so it was bearable.

I straightened up the craft/guest room and found a home for all the table cloths my mom gave me for our gorgeous new dining room table. I also found places for all the odds and ends craft materials that we accumulated over the month of December and my bright idea to "make all Christmas gifts".

We took Tuffy from looking like this: (John bathes him and I cut his hair with some assistance from John, but I'm learning its easier if i just do most of it myself.)

This picture makes him look much cleaner and much less scruffy then he actually was!

To now looking like this! Such a handsome westie! And "Oh so cute and FLUFFY!" (name that movie)

And this picture really doesn't do justice to just how clean he is now and oh how soft his fur is!

We also found our desk. It had been lost under a pile of stuff that was at least a foot high. We're not quite done yet, but we made a sizable dent! I can see the wood of most of the desk now!

I also gave John a hair cut, played the wii, and John went grocery shopping.

Then this evening we got a phone call from one of the sweetest ladies we know. She's hosting a girl from China who's going to work at the school with us. She was having issues getting her wifi working. We went over to help. I thought for sure I'd be able to figure it out... but then we got there and the girl's computer looked normal, but everything was written in Chinese!!! Yeah... I don't have all the menu's memorized on windows, nor am I that proficient without being able to read the tips and help screens. However, the sweet lady had a computer of her own so we logged onto it and I was able to help her get connected. I was pretty excited that I was able to figure out a way to help her. I'm excited to have her in my classroom and have her share her wealth of knowledge with my students.

So, as you can see, we had a very productive day. Especially since I've now blogged two days in a row! Go me!

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T18:24:00.000-08:00

I hope all of you had a lovely holiday season. Ours has been fantastic. We have enjoyed two weeks off together from work and gotten a lot accomplished. We visited with friends, spent time with family, spent several hours at the St. George Temple, made lots of treats, ATE even more treats, made some part of EVERY single Christmas gift we gave, and hosted a lovely Christmas Dinner.

It's another new beginning to a new year. Everyone's making resolutions and setting goals... I guess that's what this time of year is for. However, I always make some fairly lofty resolutions that I never seem to live up to. So here's my goals for this year.

Keep my focus on what matters most.
Do all the little things I know I should every day.
Try new things, often.

So there you have it. I'd love to say I'll blog more, but I'm not making any promises. I have inherited my sister's laptop while she's on her mission now that my brother is on his mission, too. So maybe a little more blogging ;)

Who knows what this year will bring for us on the building our family front. Honestly, I feel a little guilty when I say this out loud, but I really will be OK if 2012 passes by with no new additions for us. There are enough loved ones and friends having babies for me to keep my arms full loving them! And the most wonderful part, we have family and friends that allow us to snuggle up with and love on their kids. We're so blessed!

Happy New Year! I hope this year finds you growing and learning, laughing and loving more than last year.

Balance

2011-12-04T21:40:00.001-08:00

I don't want to cause hurt feelings by writing this, I'm not meaning to make anyone feel bad and I'm not blaming anyone or saying anyone causes/has caused me to loose my balance. This is just what happened this week in my world and I'm trying to make sense of it all and deal with myself.

I learned this week, that no matter how perfectly balanced I can have the infertility part of my life all wrapped up and put away in its own little package at one moment, it can all change in an instant. This week, it all came crashing down around me. I was blindsided on fac.ebook about yet another "We're pregnant!" and that gazillion congratulations and celebrations that ensued.

I'm thrilled for them, I really am. They've had a long, hard struggle with infertility themselves. I know all too well what they've been through.

I don't know what I was expecting from them or from me.

Maybe, I thought they'd call or send us a text message whenever this finally happened for them because they know how much this could hurt, because they've been there. Or maybe, I was expecting to have that feeling, you know the one, where you just KNOW someone is pregnant and it gives you a chance to deal with it and come to terms with it before being told, so by the time the person actually tells you, you can react appropriately.

I don't know why I had the reaction I did about the news, but I just bawled and bawled. I don't know what it was about their particular announcement that got to me; there have been several more pregnancy announcements, births, ultrasound, and maternity pictures plastered all over facebo.ok lately, none of which have bothered me. Maybe, it was just everything building and finally my well balanced package finally tipped over and spilled all of its contents.

Regardless, I'm still reeling from it. And, I'm bawling again just remembering all those feelings.

What I don't get is why, when my crap spills out of its package, I have to relive all of the contents all over as i pick up the pieces reviewing the same facts and lessons over again and again. I promise I get it. I get that my Heavenly Father loves me no matter what. I get that Heavenly Father has a plan for just me. I get that it has to be in His infinite wisdom when I come to understand his plan for me. I get that I have many other blessings and I should be grateful for them. I get that I need to stay close to Him to feel better. I promise I get it.

However, I really don't need to relive these lessons over and over again. It's painful and distressing. I just want to be done with this part of my life where everything I've worked so hard to deal with can resurface at any given moment. I want to move on already. Is that too much to ask?

Here's what I know... whether in the midst of a self-proclaimed pity party or when I'm level headed...
I will be okay if we never have our own biological children.
I will be okay if we never have ANY children at all.
I will not be okay if the only reasons we don't get to pursue either of the above options is because of our lack of money and/or our remote location.

Also, I really don't want advice, sympathy, and I especially don't want your pity, I just have to get this out.

Disappointment

2011-11-30T16:41:00.001-08:00

So I have a question for you all... What do you do when other people disappoint you? How do you deal with the situation? How do you deal with the person/people? How do you deal with the fallout and aftermath?

I'm in a very interesting situation. I've been disappointed by a lot of people in my life-time. Usually, I'm just able to tell the person, resolve the situation and move on with new knowledge and let's be honest, generally a little less trust.

Usually these situation deal directly with me and my involvement. Someone didn't do what they said they would, someone didn't keep their word, some one's behavior was unacceptable.

I'm also very loyal, or so I've been told. I don't like people speaking badly of my friends, or anyone really. (side note, venting is a whole other thing... Limit your venting and ensure the person your venting to can keep their mouth closed!) I will try and stay out of it. Speaking badly of others just makes the speaker look bad and mean spirited and those listening look just as foolish.

The current situation has to do with many people and multiple occasions. I'm involved in a small number of them, but tried to just let them go, because individually they're insignificant. However, the more I'm hearing about additional incidents involving my friends, the more upset I've become that I didn't confront my issues, because maybe if I had these additional incidents wouldn't have happened. So now, I feel very stuck. I can't bring up and confront the offenders with my own issues, because they happened months ago. I can't bring up other people's issues because it's really none of my business and they confided in me. And, I can't not do anything because it's killing me inside to continue to witness my friends getting hurt and bullied.

So, here I sit.

Hating every aspect of my life when it comes to having to interact with these particular people that have disappointed me. I can't avoid them. My current life situation dictates that I deal with them on a fairly regular basis, and like it. I'm not that good at "fake it 'til you make it!" although that is my motto.

Maybe I shouldn't have had such high expectations. Maybe I shouldn't have dealt with my individual issues with them in silence. Maybe I should confront them now. Maybe, maybe, maybe... ugh! I really am at a loss here.

Advice?

And I swear if your advice is get over myself, I may hurt you if you don't tell me how to get over myself with detailed, step-by-step directions.

So Busy!

2011-10-17T17:57:00.000-07:00

Well, there's been SO MUCH going on in our lives! We've been in several states (more than the usual 3) over the past few weeks and been through several life changing events.

my mom sold our house of 16 years
my family moved
my brother and his wife welcomed their sweet baby girl into the world and decided to head to college for culinary school (and b/c he's so awesome he got accepted to the top two schools in the country!)
my youngest brother went through the temple for the first time
my mom now lives 30 minutes away :)

Over the last month life just became very different for me!

My house has not seen any sort of cleaning in forever. I currently have pieces to my childhood table and my mom's bed set scattered throughout my house. I have NO Halloween decorations up, and I LOVE Halloween! One of these days life will settle down, I'll put all my furniture together, and clean my house. Not this week though, report cards and parent teacher conference... here I come!

Suppression

2011-09-13T20:22:00.000-07:00

Well since the middle of July I've been on bcp non stop. I must admit, it's not as wonderful as I had figured it would probably be. The hormonal headaches and non-stop cramps (while not severe) have been uncomfortable. But, looking at the craziness I've heard others talk about on lu.pron, I really have very few complaints. My blood pressure was through the roof when I saw my doctor in August. He went as far as to say that he may have to take me off the bcp if my blood pressure wasn't under control. I must admit, I've been taking every day and it's been much more normal 110/76 is about where I'm usually at. Sometimes its lots lower than that even. Finally, I've gained almost all of the weight back that I lost last year. I really need some motivation! Hopefully I can find some soon!

In other news, I'm also trying to find some motivation and the time to get back to blogging more. John's taking two classes this semester (english and educational psych.) which require a lot of writing. I'm trying to go through the process to become a national board certified teacher (read a hundred typed pages of me analyzing myself and every decision I make throughout 3 different lessons/units with supporting artifacts and documentation and video). So needless to say, the computer is often used, but not so much for blogging, OBVIOUSLY!

I vow to attempt to be better. I'm still reading all of your blogs and I'm on twitter to check in every so often. I miss the community you all helped me create here. I don't want to loose it. Stick around until April 1 when all my national board stuff has to be turned in, okay!

Results

2011-07-18T12:04:00.000-07:00

Overall, the results were fantastic meaning they confirmed things we already knew and confirmed I didn't have things my doc was concerned I might.

Great cortisol levels (possibly even a little low in the morning) means no cushing's disease/syndrome which means no tumor, no surgery, no radiation!
Great sugar numbers means no diabetes... even right after drinking the nasty orange drink they were within normal range! Meaning years of met.formin has done what its supposed to do, however I did go off the metf.ormin for 4 days prior to getting my blood drawn. (also if anyone can tell me in normal people terms what exactly met.formin does, I'd greatly appreciate it!)
normal thyroid, estrogen
super high testosterone(I'm at the high end for guys which is 100 times more that what a girl should have) ... this confirms PCOS which my RE calls excess androgen syndrome (which he did the research making this a disease/syndrome... so he knows lots about it and since he doesn't call it PCOS is the reason why I never remembered him saying I had PCOS... it all makes sense now!)
my 17 Hydroxyprogesterone number was also really high... which means I could have had multiple follicles ready to ovulate. Huge since that's my biggest obstacle.

The downside... cause you knew there had to be one. My cholesterol is also really high my LDL puts me in the moderate risk range, but my HDL (the good stuff) is almost double where it needs to be. Moral of the story.... I have to exercise, which you all know how self motivated I am. So I'm trying to do more of that.

Whirlwind Week: RE appointments

2011-07-01T18:24:00.000-07:00

WOW! So much has happened this week... I'm having a hard time even processing it all, and that it's only been a week. If I got this much done in any "normal" week my house would be spotless, I'd be an excellent cook, I'd bake cookies for all my neighbors, and I'd have 3 jobs!

Monday morning we drove to Salt Lake (usually at least 5 hours from our house) to see the RE. We got to the office in record time, 4 hours and 45 minutes!!! So we were at least 1 hour early for our actual appointment. This was a very good thing, because when we got there... the RE's office was no longer in that building. I tried calling their office and it was doing some weird ring. So I go in and ask at the pharmacy in the medical building we were at and they tried calling and it did the same thing to them. But they told me where they thought the office was. I looked up the hospital, called them, and got connected. Lucky for me, we figured out where we needed to go and it was only a few miles away.

When we finally got there... we waited for 1 1/2 hours... I guess it's not always good to be so early ;) That evening the RE took my history, explained some things to us we were concerned about, like the possibility of a uterine abnormality, and finally asked how we were handling all this emotionally (that's when I finally lost it, cause you know I can't lie). But I did pretty well. Relatively speaking. By the time we were done, the office was closed and all the office staff had gone home, the lights were all out, and we were locked in. lol Needless to say, if for no other reason than to feel understood, for the first time, with all of our concerns, was well worth the drive!

That night we headed back to stay with my aunt and uncle. It is always a pleasure to be in their company and they were so gracious to let us stay with them with only a day's notice. If you read this, Thanks again!!!

The next afternoon we headed back to Salt Lake for the exam portion of the RE appointments. It was of course uncomfortable, but not nearly as bad as it used to be back before he did my laparoscopy and found/got rid of my endo, so that was wonderful to me. After noticing some various things, the RE reported that he things I have cushing's disease/syndrome. I just found this website, but all ready it's much more helpful than anything else I've read. It's scary... the words that keep zipping through my brain are MRI, tumor, surgery, radiation. I know that this is not even a diagnosis yet (because that in and of itself is hard to get), however, after reading what I have read... I have almost ALL of the symptoms. (One of which is difficulty remembering things...now I have a possible legitimate cause!)

I'll write a seperate post about what we're doing moving forward, later.

Moving On

2011-06-26T18:58:00.000-07:00

Well tomorrow we head to Salt Lake to meet with the RE that did my laparoscopy 9 years ago. Back then in my post-op I was told the best thing to help with my endo was to get pregnant seeing as then I was 18 and unmarried it wasn't really a feasible option... so hopefully, he can help us begin in our venture now. I don't know that we'll stick with him being that SLC is 5 hours away from us. However, it seemed like a good place to start because hopefully we can get some things out of the way and get the insurance to pay for them seeing as he's not at an "infertility" clinic. Plus stepping into the unknown is a scary place and knowing this RE and liking him makes it seem not quite so bad. So with that said... the whistle's blowing and this train we're on is on, full steam ahead.

Update

2011-06-23T21:57:00.000-07:00

6 months
1 abnormal and excruciatingly painful HSG $150
23 chiropractor appointments FREE (remind me to tell you that story if I haven't already. MOST AMAZING PEOPLE EVER!)
5 rounds of Clo.mid=35 pills $100 (2 rounds 50 mg 3 rounds 100mg)
2 rounds of Prov.era (back to back)=20 pills $40
30 ovulation predictor sticks peed on only 1 smiley face (and yeah... totally skipped testing one cycle and half of another...) $60
4 negative pregnancy tests (all in a span of 2 weeks) $30
2 doctors appointments
Countless missed phone calls and hours playing phone tag
and more emotional roller coasters

Tomorrow is the day... I knew it was coming to this, we probably would've been smarter to have taken the referral 6 months ago... but tomorrow is the day we get a referral to a specialist. We haven't decided where we'll go yet. Maybe north to Salt Lake City (5 hours away) where I had my first lap 9 years ago, or possibly Vegas (2 hours) it is after all the closest...or we've talked about staying in state and going to Phoenix (7 hours) and using doctors we've met at RESOLVE functions, or even going to LA (6 hours) where at the Southwest Family Building Conference hosted by resolve we totally made light of our situation. I'm so torn. I have no idea what decision we'll actually make. I'm beginning to think that its just not worth it. It might not work anyway, we don't have the money to move forward wherever we go. But we have to... we have to keep going. I have to keep going. I have to know once and for all what it will take, if its even humanly possible for my body to do what it's supposed to. If its capable, and what all is actually wrong with me.

I'm thankful tomorrow is finally here... now hopefully I won't leave you all hanging for another 6 months! Thanks for sticking around. Thanks for still being supportive even though I'm a lame blogger.

Summer

2011-05-23T16:31:00.001-07:00

This is how I hope to spend the next 4 days :)

Hopefully its much less stressful than the last 18 hours have been!

I promise to catch you all up on the last 4 cycles when I get back and can breathe!

Bring on the crazies!

2011-03-31T07:36:00.001-07:00

Just got off the phone with the doc. office. Another round of prome.trium it is...

After I take JUST ONE MORE pregnancy test.

They just don't get it.

Negative

2011-03-29T18:08:00.000-07:00

Well John spent WAY too much money on pregnancy tests only for us to see "not pregnant" on it this morning. A call is in to the Dr. to see what's next. I'll be honest... my hopes were up really high this time. Higher than I'm even admiting to myself. (However everyone I told today (see below) added their "We thought you were, too, this month!" C'est la vie...) I'm a little defeated. And I didn't do a very good job of faking it today. WAY too many people asked what was wrong. (raises water glass) "Here's to moving on!"

Mind Games

2011-03-28T19:57:00.000-07:00

So... I don't even know where to start. I kept meaning to post on how my body had quit "working" and I had to take the crazy pills (pro.metrium). But then I was taking the pills and feeling all weird and not in the right place in my head to make any sense out of anything. Thank heavens this fell over spring break!!! I can't imagine my 23 special students with a crazy teacher!! So needless to say, nothing that was supposed to happen over spring break got done on my part. Between my weird emotions and REALLY strange side effects on Wednesday especially... the whole week was a prom.etrium induced weirdness! That made for a very hectic week last week trying to get everything graded, recorded and report cards printed in time for parent teacher conference last Thursday. Life has been non stop. SO here I am negative pregnancy test on 3-9 10 days of pills and strange side effects and now even 10 more days after the last pill and nothing. Besides a few spots 10 days ago not a dang thing. I don't know what's going on. It's like I told my mom when she called... You have to take a pregnancy test when you know you're not pregnant but just to be sure so there's a smidgen of hope in the back of your head. Then you take these pills with side effects equal to every pregnancy symptom out there to start your period when it's negative. BUT these are the SAME pills you'd be taking if you were pregnant to keep you that way. I'm so sick of the speculation going on in my head. Of the speculation others are sending my way when I tell them all of the weird things going on. Of the mental battle that has ensued the last 20 days of my life. (Read slept 25 hours of sleep in two days or super sensitive to smells) Honestly, its just like I told John at school today. I really don't want it to be positive. But in all reality I really, REALLY, REALLY!!! want it to be positive for what it COULD mean. Ugh! I'm conflicted. Any thoughts? Suggestions that aren't "take a pregnancy test!"? I'm just not sure I'm ready to face reality whichever way it goes. But I know I can't stay in this guessing stage much longer. INSANITY is on the brink! (OK, lets face it... I'm already there!)

Blogoversary

2011-03-01T06:44:00.000-08:00

2 years tomorrow.... I can't believe it! I know I haven't been very consistent. I know I don't share as much as I should, I know I mostly complain. However, this is my little corner of the world and I'm so grateful I have it! Thanks to all of you for supporting me. You're the best!

I have a doctors appointment today. I thought it was next Tuesday. I'm not emotionally prepared for this. I keep meaning to e-mail her (the nurse). I keep meaning to say all the things I want to say in an e-mail, but apparently that is not to be. Hopefully I can be strong, stick up for myself. Tell them that I'm not okay to keep trying with the ever looming "reccurent loss" possibility over my head. When I thought it was next week, my mom was going to come since she's in town. Unfortunately she has pnemonia so I'll be by myself.

Anyway, more soon, once I digest everything...

Giveaway Winner!

2011-02-28T16:58:00.001-08:00

Thanks to everyone for entering the giveaway! I'll be hosting a much more personal giveaway here in the next few weeks so keep a look out if you like earrings!

So... first these were the results of the giveaway...

But after counting the comments MULTIPLE times because # 24 had been deleted and so in reality there were only 51 comments I went back to random.org and here is the winner of the giveaway.

The winner of the $35 gift certificate to CSN Stores is ....

Sarafan2 said...
I would like Paula Dean's Cookware in blue.

The winner has been e-mailed and has 24 hours to claim their prize. Congratulations!

ICLW February

2011-02-20T20:59:00.000-08:00

Welcome!

I've taken a break from ICLW officially for the last several months. However, I've still been clicking over to the list and commenting on some blogs. I've learned google reader keeps me caught up on my reading, but not so caught up on my commenting. SO I'm going to try and fix that this month.

Here's a little about where we're at right now.

Officially TTC again after a 6 year break...
me not on BCP=psychotic version of me on most days
PCOS
Endo
HSG in December shows signs of Uterine abnormality unsure of what exactly... told it could be arcuate, bicornuate, or septate. My OBGYN is assuming arcuate and not looking into it any further. (will be asking for further testing because WE NEED TO KNOW)
Currently on Prov.era/Cl.omid protocol... but haven't had to take the Prover.a! (HUGE miracle!)
CD 21 (averaging 34)
Round 2 of Cl.omid this time around (Did 3 or 4 rounds in 03-04)
Headed to Scottsdale to participate in RESOLVE's Walk of Hope March 6th.
Have the BEST support system ever! (Could be because I've told everyone whether they wanted to know or not)
CSN Stores is allowing me to give a $35 gift code away, go enter!

My principal often states how she is reminded of my slogan for this year and it encourages her to keep going. I live this minute by minute sometimes!

"Fake it, 'til you make it!"

I'm shocked by how good of a show I'm beginning to be able to put on!

CSN Stores Giveaway

2011-02-15T19:46:00.000-08:00

Since I have the best readers ever and CSN Stores is such an awesome company, I'm partnering up with them again to bring you another giveaway! I'm sure by now you've hear lots about CSN Stores and their more than 200 online stores. They sell everything under the sun! Now that it's starting to feel like spring time here, I'm wanting to find more outdoorsy things. They have such a wide variety of patio furniture, including hammocks, and even swingsets! And, if you're not lucky like me to live somewhere its getting warmer, don't worry, their stock pot selection will allow you to make delicious soups that will help keep you warm!

So, now that you've checked out the huge variety of things CSN Stores has to offer, I bet you can't wait to win a $35* gift certificate!

Here's how you enter: Each one of these that you do will get you an entry, just be sure to leave a separate comment for each of them! Also, make sure I can find your e-mail address on your profile or include it in your comment. (You want to know if you won, right?)

•Look around CSN Stores and tell me what you would use your $35* gift card towards.
•Follow me and CSN Stores on twitter.
•Tweet about the giveaway (you can do this once per day).
•Be a blog follower, subscribe to my blog, or add me to your blogroll.

This giveaway will be open until 11:59 MST on Sunday February 27, 2011. I will announce the winner Monday the 28th after school.

Good Luck!

*sorry about the misprint... just recieved the code and its for $35 gift certificate!

My Wonderful Husband

2011-02-12T12:48:00.000-08:00

February is always month of me being reminded how wonderful my husband is. His birthday is this month and then followed up by Valentine's Day. I'm so thankful I have the wonderful man I do by my side. I don't know where I'd be without him. He's a great support to me and I'm so thankful that he willingly does all that he does for me. Thanks John, for the wonderful husband you are! I LOVE YOU!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-02-08T19:31:00.000-08:00

I've seen many blogs around do this. I'm not sure if you're supposed to give credit to the starter of WW, whomever that is, or how it works. (Feel free to let me know the logistics.) But I needed to post this perfect picture of my current life.

Extremes

2011-02-02T16:12:00.000-08:00

You know how some moments in life you'd like to pause and live in forever?

In miracle related news... I didn't have to take the crazy pills AGAIN! Thank heavens, because once you reach the end of this post, can you imagine having to read what I would've written if I HAD taken them!?!?!

I can think of many wonderful times in my life that I'd liked to have lived in forever. Most aren't even big things, everyday ordinary moments that just epitomize why I generally love my life. I've had many of these moments this year even though its only the 33rd day of the year. Small things like

fresh snow
the sun coming up in the morning during the summer and John and I signing the line "here comes the sun"
Gerber daisies
snuggling with Tuffaroo
sunsets whether on the beach or on my back porch
playing games with family or friends
spending time with those who mean the most to me

oh the list is endless! Seriously I'm thinking of so many that I can't write any one more...

However the last 33 days I've felt the overwhelming pressure of LIFE in general and the following question won't leave mt head...

Can I please be excused from life as I know it at this exact moment?

I don't know if I'm OK. I keep saying I am. But as even my principal knows, my motto is "Fake it 'til you make it!" So when do I stop faking? Or have I gotten so good at faking that now that's the real me? I just don't want to put the effort into anything lately... That's not to say I'm not putting in the effort, because frankly I think I'm pouring even more of myself into each thing I do since I don't want to do it in the first place. I just don't care.

I honestly wish they'd fire me from my job so I could be home all day not having to do anything... (of course then i wouldn't have a home b/c I couldn't afford it!) School is awful. It's so draining. I almost hate walking in the building. Between my 'darling' (read obnoxious between the lines) students and the "clark county folk" (what I call all the new people around since that's all they seem to hire these days) oh and don't forget all the other drama seekers that are STILL around (because heaven forbid they be the ones that leave), I can't catch a break. John's not exempt either. Usually he's my rock, my calm, but they're even getting to him. We both came home today utterly spent, ready to quit. I even offered to slug someone and get fired, but John said he wasn't okay with that. (I TOTALLY would do it too!)

So now that I've vented, and am thinking how psychotic I must sound, I'm finding my heating pad, and Tuffy and I are being couch potatoes.

Walk of Hope

2011-01-29T10:29:00.000-08:00

Click to Join Team Reyes for RESOLVE's Walk of Hope in Scottsdale, AZ

I'm so excited! The first Saturday in March, the 5th, John and I are headed to Scotssdale to walk in the Walk of Hope. Please join us if you can! Can't come? You can still help me reach my fundraising goal of $200.00 for RESOLVE INC. (the national infertility association)

Better, Thanks!

2011-01-18T20:30:00.000-08:00

Well, we're now a week later. I've had a healthy dose of perspective, a famous psychologist explain to me (without knowing me or directing it at me) why I've been loving my video games recently, and the Dr. office finally called.

It's amazing what perspective does for me. I'm very much a reactive person. I don't think, I just do, feel, say whatever immediately. Over the last several years, I've tried to change this about myself because I generally felt regret and guilt over my reactions.

So last Monday, after I received the fax of the report and was feeling sorry for myself and my friend asked how I was and I replied, "awful right now, but once I go home and find some perspective in the grand scheme of things, I'll be fine and tomorrow is a new day."

I've come A LONG way people!

Howard Glasser, the famous ADHD specialist and psychologist, came to our little school district for a presentation Friday. He was discussing his various philosophies and I latched on to his ideas about why children LOVE video games. Needless to say, its a control-boundaries-rewards thing. They have control, concrete boundaries, and constant rewards for little achievements (coins, tickets, etc). It hit me in that moment, as he's explaining why it's so addicting for them, that I've been the "little kid" and addicted this last week. I got Epic Mickey for Christmas (thanks Kami!) I LOVE IT! It all made perfect sense since I have no control over seemingly any part of my life lately as to why I would love playing silly video games for HOURS at a time. (Especially since John is NEVER home on weeknights) I can control the character. I know the rules and what happens if I break them. Plus I love the praise, praise, praise! Needless to say, big AH HA moment, and explanation for my latest obsession!

Howard was also a huge inspiration for me in dealing with my students. Can I just say, today was SO.MUCH.BETTER! Hallelujah! The Nurtured Hear approach works, even if you don't have it perfected yet. I mean for heaven sake, I had a student apologize to me for his behavior today... SHOCKING!

Overall, while exhausted, I feel much better about life in general.

When I hear back about what the plan is for going forward in dealing with my arcuate/septated/bicornuate uterus I'll let you know the plans.

Not dealing well

2011-01-09T18:28:00.000-08:00

the information I read last night is not sitting well.

I'm not reacting well. I'm not dealing with other's well. At the moment I'm ready to strangle a lady from church who has so many issues I can't wrap my head around it. I came home from a meeting screaming and crying and frustrated... needless to say, I just e-mailed the ladies and took myself off the committee. I can't hold it all together. And no poor old lady needs to be lashed out at because she's an idiot and on any other day I could probably handle her.

All will be ok... but that 15 lbs I'd lost since august? all this ice cream and oreos i'm eating is going to negate that too.

Catching you up.

2011-01-08T21:05:00.000-08:00

We're still here, and all is well regarding flooding and such.

I realized on Christmas that I would need to start the Prome.trium the following Monday. This meant that I had to take a pregnancy test, too. It was awful buying it. It was even more awful taking it. I knew it was a waste of time and money. I also knew it was a waste of my emotional reserve, but the lady at the pharmacy at Costco said they would ask me before giving me the pro.metrium if I was pregnant. So I had to take one.

Taking a pregnancy test that you know is going to be negative is awful. because just in the act of taking it means there has to be some hope. Ugh! Way more emotional control needed then I had that morning. Luckily at 6:00 in the morning on a day off I was the only one up and could deal with it by myself and I had already warned John not to ask me about it.

Of course Cost.co pharmacy is closed on Sunday so I left a long message. They pharmacist was laughing about my message Monday morning during our 'consult'. (I could have educated him better than he did me!)

The best Christmas gift I gave my husband this year though was that my body did what it was supposed to and I didn't have to take the crazy pills! Which is a very good thing since I already was yelling at him for eating ice cream the wrong way! Holy cow, batman! Can you even imagine the craziness that would have ensued had the crazy pills been used?

We headed back to school and I had my follow up appointment on Monday, where i waited for an hour in the waiting room. They were so behind, but it wasn't a big deal. She was impressed with my 7lb weight loss over thanksgiving, Christmas, and new years(although I was disappointed because I knew it was more b4 last weeks binge!) She was also very optimistic about this working for us. She made sure to give me meds for my infection(yup the same one I thought I had a month ago) that would be "out of my system before conception because it isn't approved to be used in the first trimester". Also of course giving me the whole "it takes regular people about a year so don't let negative pg tests get you down" lecture. SO I don't know, I left feeling very hopeful.

Until I got a block away... and realized I FORGOT to ask about my thyroid and HSG results while I was there. I feel like SUCH an idiot! I can't believe I forgot that was the MAIN reason I even went to the appointment and didn't cancel! John's upset because he thinks she should have remembered, especially after my research since Monday. (warning: if you read that information, don't ask me about it in person unless we're not in public and you're ok with me crying like a baby. I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it without bursting into tears, since that's what I do just thinking about it). When I showed it to John I can tell he feels just as defeated as I do. If it's not one thing its another. However, if a simple surgery will fix it, and that's indeed what I have, then WHY OH WHY can't we just do it and get it over with? I feel really sick to my stomach. Because it's looking like even if by some miracle we do actually get pregnant, only 10% of pregnancies end with a living baby when you have a septate uterus. (if I'm reading that right)

Anyway, clomid started last Saturday... that's also when I bought my very first OPK (whole story by itself) can we say expensive? And for the record... why is there so much peeing involved in getting/being pregnant? Using the bathroom is such a pet peeve of mine. If I could have someone else do it for me, I totally would! So, off we go!

100 year flood?

2010-12-22T16:30:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you a story about a little town in Northwestern Arizona called Beaver Dam. We're a small little town. We're not on the map. If we want mail to go to our Post Office we have to use the name of the even smaller town 2 miles away. 5 years and 50 weeks ago we had a devastating flood. It took out the bridge, stranding residents unless they wanted to travel 2 hours on a dirt, poorly maintained road. It cause us to miss a week of school and have another month with only 3 hours of school a day because students had to take a 3 hour bus ride each way. It kept mail from being sent or delivered. I knocked out power to the entire town. Many people lost their homes, hundreds more were flooded, and the local gas station they were making bigger and better lost all the land they were going to build on.

Because of that flood, which they called a "100 year flood", they (whomever they are) built an erosion fence in much of the wash (think weird steal poles and wire X looking things, AKA the Beaver Dam demilitarized zone) where the usually non-existent Beaver Dam Creek flows. They also built a new bridge (they started in April and still need to finish little things like final paving and the sidewalk.) They redid the power lines so that they weren't down in the wash.

This story continues 5 years and 50 weeks, almost to the day, after that flood. December 21, 2010.

Well if you've been watching the national news lately or local news if you live in AZ, NV, or UT; then you've seen pictures of a house falling into a raging river in a little town called Beaver Dam in Northwestern AZ. That house is about a mile and a half downstream from me. That raging river is usually a dry span of earth for most of the year with sometimes a trickle from underground streams. Things went from awful yesterday, to MUCH, MUCH better this morning after very little rain last night. (so much better that water flow in the wash was down at least several feet from the day before. Then the steady downpour from 10-12 o'clock made things much trickier in the early afternoon. By 2 it was hardly raining and calming back down somewhat and come 6 this evening the downpour started again.

The wash is now full from bank to bank. It literally sounds like Niagara falls if you're standing in my back yard. We can now even hear it in the house, with the TV going. The water is rising steadily and not expected to crest until tomorrow morning because of the continuance of the rain.

So a mile and a half downstream has been mostly destroyed/damaged and they just asked people a mile upstream to be prepared to evacuate. My good friend stopped by in a panic, leaving her drums in my garage.

I'm nervous. We have friends with significant damage to their homes or land. Our friends that evacuated may loose their whole house. Before they left, the flooding had already taken the back wall of their neighbor's house across the street.

We most likely will be just fine. We probably have about 4-6 more feet for the river to rise before we are in real danger. Our neighbors out the back put a trailer to divert water where it was eroding earlier. It seems to be holding for now. But IT'S STILL RAINING!

I've alerted my family, that the only reason I will call them is if something is wrong. I said "If you don't hear from me, we're fine and sleeping."

Regardless, I'm off to pack up pictures and valuables and a suitcase just in case.

5 years and 50 weeks... Some 100 year flood, eh?

What I Knew, What I Forgot, and What I Know Now

2010-12-14T17:46:00.000-08:00

I've realized multiple times over the past 21 days how much I take for granted. I really seem to not get 'how good I've got it' until it's over.

21 days ago I knew:

going off the birth control pills I would feel different. (I warned people remember?)
it would most likely be physically painful most days.
I act like a real jerk, a lot, without the aide of hormonal regulation. (Hello, 4 days a month is enough!)
I might not be ready for this whole process to start again yet.

Also, I remembered, albeit only vaguely, how off I get emotionally without them to regulate my hormones.

However...I had forgotten:

how much pain, and the severity of said pain, I lived with everyday!
how moody I get at the drop of a hat. (Talk about emotional roller coaster, Batman!)
how hard it is sometimes to not jump down someones throat (read third grader, co-worker, family member, heck ANY LIVING THING) because they looked at me the wrong way.
how much people bug me. Just there being people around me. At ALL.
what a strain me not having my hormones regulated puts on my husband. He knew it was coming, but I think he forgot the gravity and swiftness of the process. I can tell by the look on his face how hurt and confused, yet trying to be understanding, he is. Especially when all he wants to do is be close to me and for me to want to be close to him.
how much I don't know how to control 'this' version of me.
how much I hate myself for thinking and saying the things I've been thinking and saying the last 21 days.

I don't know how i survived teaching for the two years before I went back on the birth control pills. HONESTLY! The phrase often running through my head or being muttered under my breath is "stupid children". Not a very good sentiment to have as a teacher!

So going forward... how do I do this?

Here's what I know now.

I have to constantly talk myself down off the ledge.
I have to be willing to walk away from any conversation, TV show, commercial, meeting, etc when I reach the ledge and I can't talk myself down anymore.
I don't have to be social. AT ALL. Unless I want to.
I MUST find some people that will put up with me to surround myself with that understand but will keep me in line.
Ignoring is the best option I have with third graders. None of this is their fault, they're children, and not perfect either.
If this is anything like how my mother felt every day when I was growing up, I'm so sorry she had 5 crazy kids to wrangle!

Most of all, I know that life like this, feeling like this, isn't worth it. If we don't get this going here soon, I'm done. I'm not strong enough to keep up the smiling "fake it 'til you make it" facade. There's already cracks in it and it is crumbling quickly. There are other ways for us to have a family if we choose. We also know if we, John and I, are the only ones in "our" family we'll be okay with that.

Is it bad that I already want to throw in the towel, give up my white flag, and surrender? I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this. We haven't even gotten to the Pro.vera beast yet! Heaven help John!

HSG and Thyroid update

2010-12-10T05:43:00.000-08:00

So I finally called to get my thyroid level test results. They came back at 3.8. I don't really know what that means, they said it was normal. But for the little research I did throughout the Internet it appears that it might be a little high. So I don't know what that will mean in the long run since my current Dr. thinks its normal.

Also, way back on the 1st I had my HSG (hysterosalpinogram) done. Remind me, next time, that when the Dr. offers stronger pain meds... TAKE THEM! It was awful! Seriously, one of the most painful 10 minutes of my life in recent years. I had it done 6 years ago, and I KNOW it wasn't as painful as it was this time. I waited this long to post about it hoping I'd know the results and what they mean, but alas, they never called me back to explain in normal words what it all means. Basically, what I gathered from all of the medical jargon was that my right tube has scarring, but it's still open (which i'm not quite sure how that works or what it will mean going forward.) Also, I have some uterine abnormalities... i don't remember what they called it. Hopefully, I'll get some "all of this means" information here soon. The receptionist that read me all of the results said the Dr. or Nurse at the office would call me either way, whatever that means.

Overall, nothing too productive. A lot of "up in the air"ness. I think that's what I hate most about this crazy roller coaster.

Sharing

2010-12-03T19:13:00.000-08:00

So on the way home from our appointment we discussed who we were telling and who we weren't telling that we were trying again. Many people in our day to day lives are close friends and know about our infertility issues. We ultimately decided it was an all or none kind of thing after the 'who we should tell' list kept getting longer. The major reason for this is that Pro.vera makes me a psycho! My sister had called earlier and I returned her call when we were almost home and she was the lucky first to know. It was good to get it out there.

I told our principal on Wednesday and she was SO supportive saying wonderful words of encouragement. I also told her I felt like I really needed to let the rest of the staff know what was going on. She insisted that I didn't have to tell them and she'd just stick up for me and make excuses if needed... but if you know me at all, you know excuses are a HUGE pet peeve! I told a few of my co-workers because I had to tell someone else (and my mom wouldn't answer the phone, so she still doesn't know). Then at a faculty meeting I told everyone through tears that we were trying again. I also told them how the meds make me crazy, and to feel free to ask questions about the process or procedures, and be sure to tell me to go hide in my room when I was unbearable. They were so excited for us and they have all been SO supportive.

I've been pleasantly surprised at the lack of "infertility clueless" comments I've gotten... although that may have something to do with the fact that I told them if they told me to "just relax and it will happen" I might cause them physical harm. That doesn't mean I haven't heard some though! I was offered some unsolicited advice... I should have politely declined when I had the chance. She said I should name my 'psycho Pro.vera induced side' and talk badly about it and tell it to go away. It was very interesting.

In addition to my co-workers, we are also sharing the news in our Christmas letter. I know so many family members who suffer or have suffered from infertility that I just can't pretend like it's not happening to us anymore. Also, I have some very opinionated family members that think John and I are selfish for not having children yet and also think I shouldn't be so "career minded and focus more on growing my family" (direct quote from an uncle of mine). So we figured, the more prayers out there for us the better and we were going to be open, honest, and frank about the situation.

I have to say, this is the most freeing thing I've done.EVER.in my life! I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner. If I would have known how much better I would feel after letting it go and "sharing" this burden of ours, I would have done it YEARS ago.

If only i could figure out how/what to tell my third graders that is age level appropriate to explain my wild mood swings... my life would be a piece of cake!

Trying Again

2010-11-20T18:55:00.000-08:00

Well, after almost 6 years of trying to maintain the Endo, being diagnosed with PCOS and trying to maintain that, being scared, being scarred, and finally coming to terms with and accepting the fact that children may never be a part of our family; we're trying again!!

To be honest, we're not really sure how we ended up here, but we feel really good about it, whatever the outcome may be. John's decided he's doing this because he wants definitive answers. I of course am WAY more hopeful and optimistic that the end result of all of this may be what we've been waiting for.

Here's a little back story as to what's been going on and lead us to now.

We discussed trying again at length before my yearly appointment, but never came to a decision, it just didn't feel right, either way. While at that appointment, at the end of October, I asked a couple of questions about what trying again would look like (since there's no RE's for at least 100 miles) but nothing concrete. She put me on some meds to help me loose weight and said that have to be monitored every month. Also on the way out she mentioned that because of some things I said, I should probably have my thyroid checked.

So for the last month, I've been taking my new meds and having all of the lovely side effects mentioned in the information packet. Including having rare, but extreme, dizzy spells. So as we neared the follow up appointment I asked John to come with me since I knew the thyroid test would = blood drawn. (Drawing blood ALWAYS makes me super dizzy and I wanted to make it back home in 1 piece) So, last Monday, I shoved all my students on their buses and told John to "Fly like the wind, Bullseye!" as we raced to make it to the appointment on time. (for the record we were 5 minutes late, and I did call and tell them, they laughed at me!)

When we got in the room and started discussing my current meds, side effects, how it's working, and all of a sudden we were talking about how aggressive (aka some sort of progesterone supplement and clomid) we wanted to start out. I don't even remember who asked first or how it came up. We had not planned any of it, and somehow we walked out of the office with 4 different prescriptions and 3 different orders for tests.

So I have 3 BC pills left and then, off we go!

Break

2010-09-06T09:50:00.000-07:00

I'm not really sure where I'm wanting this particular blog to go, or what I want to do with it. I feel like it's not really part of who I am at the moment. So, I won't be posting here for a while, until I figure it out, or feel like infertility is a paramount characteristic again. Until then, feel free to follow me over here. I'm doing the 30 day blog challenge that so many of you are participating in!

Long time no see!

2010-08-22T10:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, well that's not exactly true. I've been "seeing" all of you and keeping up with what each of you are up to, but I have been MIA on both my blogs. I don't know how much longer my break will be. But know that I'm thinking of and praying for each of you where ever you're at on your journey.

Giveaway Winner

2010-07-02T13:15:00.001-07:00

Hey everybody! Thanks for entering my first giveaway. I hope I did everything right! I'm so thankful to CSN Stores for hosting it!

The winner of the $40 gift certificate is

Sonja

Congratulations! I can't wait to see what you get!

I used Random.org to generate the winner. I tried for an hour yesterday to download some screencapture software to take a picture of the results but it just wasn't working. Then when I was at Eclipse, John had issues with the computer and had to restart it, so you'll just have to trust me! Anyone have any screencapture software that works, is easy, free, and reliable?

Thanks to everyone who entered! This was REALLY fun!

It's a GIVEAWAY!

2010-06-24T11:01:00.000-07:00

Giveaway now closed :)

So, do you remember when we got to review a set of caphalon pans from CSN Stores? Well, Ashley has contacted me again and has offered to giveaway a $40 gift certificate to one of my readers! Maybe you can use it towards the purchase of one of these fabulous platform beds or find something else among their family of 200+ online stores.

I am so thrilled about CSN Stores hosting my very first giveaway! Working with them previously was quick, efficient, and easy. They also deliver fantastic, high quality products at a bargain! You can be sure that the meals John makes out of our caphalon pans are delicious and since he read and follows the "clean up instructions" these pans will last FOREVER!

So here's how you enter... each one of these that you do will get you an entry, just be sure to leave a separate comment for each of them, with your e-mail!

Look around CSN Stores and tell me what you would use your $40 gift card towards
Follow me and CSN Stores on twitter
Tweet about the giveaway, you can do this once per day.
Be a blog follower, subscribe to my blog, or add me to your blogroll.

Giveaway contest starts now and will end July 1st at midnight so I can announce the winner on my birthday, July 2nd :) That will be a great birthday present!

(p.s. I sure hope this is as easy as it seems! If you've done giveaways before and have pointers e-mail them to me would ya? lol)

Update...

2010-06-22T12:44:00.001-07:00

If you read my rant a few days ago, I'm working on changing my attitude... It is the biggest setback to me wanting to teach here at all next year. Seeing as I've heard nothing from anywhere else and my contract has to be signed by Friday... I need to get over it.

It's going to be really hard. I don't want to believe that she can do it. I don't want to help her. I want her to fail miserably.

Unfortunately I also know myself too well. I've worked too hard on my attitude and my "don't be hypocritical you hate when others are that way" to throw it out the window.

SO starting today... I'm on her side (begrudgingly for now).

I will put on my happy face and help where I can, without doing her job for her.

Here's to moving forward...

ugh this is hard to write right now. I really don't want to do this but I know I'll be better for it if I do!

ICLW June Edition

2010-06-21T08:26:00.000-07:00

I just entered my information on Mel's form. I can't believe I hadn't added myself already. So if I don't make it on the list this month oh well. I'll still read and comment and pretend! lol

Here's a little about me/plans for the future.

I'm almost 27 (next week! ahhh!)
I have PCOS and Endo.
I have horrible allergies all summer long thanks to the continuous blooming season and dry air here in the desert! (I'm contemplating buying stock in Kleenex!)
I've been married for 7 years! (yes i was just a baby myself when we got married...but I wouldn't have it any other way now!)
I'm currently in the middle of a job search, this is the last week before I have to sign my contract where I've worked for the last 6 years.
I've been complaining a lot about my place of employment. SORRY! I promise I'll try not to anymore!
If we move to someplace with IF insurance coverage, we'll proceed with treatments (aka start all over, it has been 5 years)
If we stay here we will head to the OBGYN here locally and see how far into this process they take us. If that doesn't work, we'll do the 'foster to adopt' route (most likely of an older 4-7 yr old child is what we're thinking).

Life is kinda on hold, at least for this week. We have all kinds of plans we're supposed to have made for travel in July, but everything is still hanging by the "maybe we'll get a job somewhere else" thread. So next weekend we'll be cementing the rest of our summer plans. It will be nice to start making some concrete decisions!

So welcome, stick around awhile, later on this week I'll be hosting my first giveaway ;)

LA, LA Baby!

2010-06-18T07:24:00.000-07:00

OK, I know it's a Jonas Brothers song, however, we heard it all the time in LA so I thought it was appropriate :) (Have I told you Radio Disney is one of my favorite stations to listen to? All the top hits and clean, albeit annoying, radio hosts... those are hard to find on satellite radio!)

We headed to Los Angels for some rest and relaxation. My Aunt and Uncle are currently (well til the end of the month) Mission Presidents of the California Los Angels LDS Mission. They have had quite the 3 years serving. We wanted to be sure to visit one more time before they were done at the end of the month.

We headed down on a Friday and went straight to the beach since it was sunset and the roads were clear. It was COLD! I had to go buy myself a jacket!

Santa Monica Pier

Palm Trees at Sunset

Saturday we walked the 500 yards to the LDS Los Angeles Temple. It is HUGE inside! One could definitely get lost in there.

After the temple we drove out to Philippe's for "the original french dip" sandwich. Every time we've been to LA in the last 3 years John's talked about going and had maps and directions how to get there. Finally, we got to go try it out. My tip/review... great sandwich, the spicy mustard is what sets it apart! Don't wait til your sandwich is almost gone to try it like we did!

Then on the way back to the mission home, we drove down all the famous roads and saw all the famous hotels, theaters, shopping areas, and signs. I'm still shocked at how squished everything is together! Rodeo Drive was fun, and so was seeing El Capitan where they premier a lot of Disney movies. It's also like Halloween with people dressed up as ALL kinds of characters! It was pretty amusing!

Monday we went out near the coast to check out locations for a luncheon my Aunt and Uncle were hosting the following weekend. We saw this old lighthouse, the Friendship Bell from Korea (I think) and got to watch the sunlight dance over the ocean. It was awesome!

Laying it all out there

2010-06-17T10:40:00.000-07:00

I've been avoiding writing because I know what I'm going to say will upset some people that read my blog, not to mention that people have big mouths and this will all blow up in my face later... but, it's time. Choose to be offended if you would like... I'm so done CARING what others might think of me. So here's an update. A very real, non IF related, no holding back update. I may write it all publish it and delete it just to not deal with the DRAMA!

In my life I've never done the same thing or lived in the same place for more than 7 years and guess what... I've now been married 7 years, and this will be my 7th class. We've been here for 6 years. I feel the itch. I feel the "IF I DON'T LEAVE NOW I'LL BE TRAPPED!" itch.

SO I ended up applying for probably 12 different school districts across the country. Many applications and hours of preparation. The one I heard anything about was Memphis TN. I am waiting for them to clear my paperwork through their compliance department before I can be accepted into the hiring pool. (It's been an arduous process!) I finally e-mailed them today and asked if there was a timeline in place for hiring people. Because I have to (?) sign my contract by the 26th of this month for the school district here where I've worked the last 6 years.

I have mixed feelings about moving and staying. Mostly I KNOW what I'm getting into here. It will be an extremely HARD year.

I will have to survive our school board. That in itself was enough to make me look and pray for another job!
Then there's the matter of STARTING OVER completely. They want me to teach 3rd grade because (and this is exactly what I was told) "I complained too much about how I could do a better job". Well NO CRAP I could do a better job. both the half of the third grade was dispersed into classes of less than 13 students a piece because they were OUT OF CONTROL AND FAILING! When 3rd graders crawl or piggyback down the hallway and their teacher says nothing THERE ARE ISSUES! But was there any disciplinary action taken against this teacher by our principal? NO I was told that her students got great scores!?!?! How is that possible if HALF her class had to be removed? HOW HOW HOW! I just don't get it! So they're putting her the inept teacher in first grade to ruin them for the rest of us. I seriously feel sick to my stomach!

Moving brings a WHOLE other set of concerns. Mostly our house and the logistics of picking up and moving ACROSS the country! But there's also the concern and thrill of the unknown and newness of it all. New students, new staff,new drama, new CITY, new dynamics, new EVERYTHING! The whole idea excites me. Terrifies John, but I'm thrilled about the possibilities.

As of now I'm resolving myself to staying here. I doubt we'll here anything before the 26th and of course we have a 5% penalty for signing our contracts and backing out. I won't have the money to pay it, and I doubt anywhere will "want me" so badly to pay it for me.

So there you have it. The elephant that I've started 7 posts to try and write but didn't for fear of "what people would think of me". (That totally isn't my personality)

Now I can get on to writing about fun stuff. Like our trip to LA which was FANTASTIC! And all the adoption talk that's been happening with other people that we've been a part of. And the new addition to my friends family... yup it was another little girl for us to love! (that makes 5) Here's to moving forward!

New Infertility Non Profit

2010-06-07T12:28:00.000-07:00

My sister got this extremely cool internship opportunity this summer to work for a newly founded nonprofit organization in Indiana. Please read the following from her and follow up if you're interested!

I am excited to share with you a newly founded nonprofit organization that I have become involved with, the Indiana Collaboration of Families with Infertility (ICFI). This organization is near and dear to my heart.

I am personally affected by a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), which is now the leading cause of infertility in women across the country. My sister is also affected by PCOS, as well as endometriosis. I have watched her and her husband not only endure the private pain of not being able to have a family of their own for the last seven years, but also not having the social support they need because infertility is socially misunderstood.

ICFI is dedicated to raising awareness about infertility, supporting families emotionally and financially who are dealing with infertility, and providing a valuable online resource for support and reference. It was organized in April, and now officially has an EIN, with the paperwork for the 501c3 ready to be sent in this month. Our website is http://www.myicfi.org/ and we hope to have it up and running by the end of next week. Our first small fundraiser will be a dine and donate at Max and Erma's in Carmel; this will hopefully take place the last week in June but may happen in July based off of their availability. More information will be posted as soon as we have it - please plan to come out and support ICFI! We are currently very small, run entirely by 7 volunteers who are also passionately involved in the cause of infertility; however, we have big dreams for our budding organization and would love for you to get involved! If you would like to volunteer with us or make a tax-deductible donation of any general office supplies or money, we would definitely appreciate your help. Feel free to contact me for more information at dblackburn@myicfi.org.

Sincerely,
Dana Blackburn

I just LOVE my sister!

oh... and Happy 7 year Anniversary John!

Welcome ICLWers!

2010-05-22T08:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been neglecting my little corner of the blogosphere. School is out for summer and we have an interesting summer ahead of us. If only we knew what was to come...cause right now I don't have a clue!

I've applied many places throughout the country. Right now our best chance at leaving our dysfunctional school board is looking like Memphis TN. I don't know if ANYTHING will happen. We may end up staying. Right now I don't know. Everything is so up in the air, and I feel like I'm suffocating!

Still nothing going on with TTC. On BCP and Met.formin for PCOS and Endo.

Other than that, nothing new here. Take a look around, and I promise to finish up the 5 posts I have started in the next two weeks!

Mother's Day Love

2010-05-09T16:33:00.000-07:00

Many of "my friends" chose to ignore my facebook posts about NIAW.

Unfortunately, many of "my friends" are family. Some of whom have experienced infertility.

Many people choose to change the subject because discussing my infertility is awkward for them.

Most people choose to judge John and I's childless state and make comments like

"aren't you EVER going to have kids?"
"you're a teacher so you must like children."
"why are you a teacher if you don't like kids since you don't have any?"
"you've been married long enough, maybe you should think about children?"
"maybe you should quite teaching and have children."
"maybe if you weren't so focused on your career you'd have children."

However, I am a very lucky girl! I have many marvelous people in my life that get me, and care enough to support me.

My sister in law, commented and reposted every link I shared on facebook, reads and comments on my blog regularly, and always is thinking of how to make my day brighter. On Tuesday I came home to a package at my front door. Inside were these:

customized M&M's that say "We love you Aunt Erika" and this note.

It says " Aunt Erika, just wanted you to know that we were thinking of you on Mother's Day. Love the Kids"

So SPECIAL! Thank you! I love you guys and appreciate your thoughtfulness!

Then Thursday came. We ended up at school a little later than usual, had to run a few errands, and again, I came home to another package at my front door. (I NEVER get packages delivered to my house, our rural area has to go to the post office.) This one was 2 dozen gorgeous roses from my wonderful sister Dana. See:

With this note... isn't she amazing!

Then on Friday, my Aunt called me. Last year I spent Mother's Day with her. She watched how I cringed in church at some of the words that were spoken and knew how hard this day is for me. She called to make sure I was ok, and ready to brave today with a smile. It was one of the most appreciated uplifting pep talks EVER!

Finally today at church, I was mentioned by name, in one of the talks. I literally was so overwhelmed with gratitude I basically tackled the poor man to the ground afterwards telling him thank you. We both were teary eyed.

I have never felt more loved than I feel this week! Thank you to all my wonderful supporters! You make this life worth living!

I have a new what IF for you...

What IF everyone had this kind of a support system while suffering through infertility?

Secret Pals

2010-05-08T08:08:00.000-07:00

I have had the joy and privilege to take part in Lynn's secret pals for the last two months. I cannot tell you how thrilled I have been to receive extra support and fun items from my secret pals! It has seriously been so much fun getting to know other people around the IF community and feel loved and supported, and be given the chance to show my support for others.

My March secret pal was Hannah from Life Happens When You're Making Other Plans

She sent me some awesome things :) A Dr. Seuss book. fuzzy socks, scrapbooking/card making stickers. a little purple lizard all the way from Cozumel that she got me on her cruise, and a gorgeous paperweight (I can't wait to get that to school next year!) She also wrote me some wonderful cards with all KINDS of questions. I"ll try and answer all of them at some point. Thanks Hannah!

My April secret pal was PCOSChick.

She sent me this amazing picture that her husband took and a GREAT book for my classroom about telling time. It just happened to come the week I was planning to teach telling time to my first graders. It's great! The picture is in a gorgeous frame. It is of an old barn and silos. It is AWESOME! Some people have such a gift for taking pictures! Thanks PCOSChick!

Guest Article: Endometriosis Pain and Omega-3 Fatty Acids

2010-05-08T07:51:00.000-07:00

Endometriosis Pain and Omega-3 Fatty Acids

Many women must deal with a painful disease called endometriosis, which happens when endometrial tissues which should only grow in the uterus becomes located in other areas of the body. Endometriosis is one of the top three reasons behind female infertility and while one of the most treatable, it remains largely untreated in many women. Some of the symptoms of the disease include endometriosis pain during the menstrual cycle, irregular periods, fatigue, rectal and stomach pain, miscarriage, infertility, ectopic pregnancy, painful sexual intercourse and frequent yeast infections, chemical sensitivities and allergies.

While there are medical methods used to treat endometriosis, there is no known cause and no cure for the disease, however, there are many things that a woman can do to manage the symptoms and make life more bearable. Studies have shown that a woman eating a diet rich in Omega-3 fatty acids has a less likely chance of developing endometriosis, while those with a diet heavy in trans-fats might be more at risk. Just as diet is important when a woman is trying to conceive a baby, it is also very important when naturally trying to manage the symptoms of endometriosis. Omega-3 fatty acids may hold the key to erasing endometriosis pain and could decrease the chances of a woman ever developing the disease.

Women that observe a diet rich in long-chain Omega-3 fatty acids were 22% less likely to be diagnosed with endometriosis than females that consumed the least amounts. A research study conducted using 70,000 American nurses as subjects followed the women over a 12-year period, and according to results a healthy diet is a key factor in the development of endometriosis. Just because a diet is low in fat does not mean it is healthy, women that consumed a diet high in trans-fats had a 48% increased risk of developing endometriosis, which means diet is a very important component in the lives of all females.

There are millions of women worldwide that suffer from endometriosis, many have spent countless numbers of years wondering how to go about managing the discomfort and pain and now through incorporating Omega-3 fatty acids into the diet, there is a new reason to hope. Researchers have found that certain dietary changes can lessen the likelihood a woman has of developing the disease, but also determined that Omega-3 fatty acids have a protective quality against endometriosis. Long-chain Omega-3 fatty acids are found in fish like tuna, salmon, sardines, mackerel, smelt and anchovies and are the healthiest way a woman can add the fats to her daily diet.

When trying to conceive, Omega-3 fatty acids not only play an important part in improving female fertility, but now are also linked to helping prevent or decrease the risk women have of developing endometriosis. Following the dietary recommendations of a medical professional and through regular incorporation of Omega-3 fatty acids into the diet, a woman can take steps to reduce trans-fats and decrease the risk of endometriosis or alleviate symptoms if already experiencing the disease.

This article was written by Tania. She co-writes the blog Trying to Concieve. Find out more about her and her blog here.

I just want to thank Tania for sharing this information with me and my readers. I think many of us endo gals are open to trying anything to relieve the pain endo causes. Thanks again!

What IF...? My Project IF contribution

2010-04-28T17:34:00.000-07:00

Through the last 8 years of knowing my husband, we've know having children would be a struggle from almost the very beginning. Our second date was him coming to visit me after my laparoscopy confirming and excising endo. I told him then I was broken and he shouldn't want to marry me because I couldn't give him children. A year after this second date he proposed and we married 4 months later. We decided to TTC that fall.

I recently got the medical records of our "trying" for months on our own and 4 unsuccessful cycles with clomid and all kinds of old school ideas (our doctor was retiring, that year, at 75 or something like that and was all into natural/alternative methods). The last entry of our records from that doctor states "Final clomid cycle. If unsuccessful will move to IUI.

I've ALWAYS known we'd need significant medical intervention. I've known it in my heart. But never did I know that was what our medical records stated... EVER... until 6 years later!

So here's my what if...

What if having children never happens for us and I feel guilty forever?

I feel guilty for not being able to give John children. He will be an excellent father!
I feel guilty for not making our mothers grandmothers (again).
I feel guilty for not giving my nieces and nephews who won't have cousins to play with on our side of the family.
I feel guilty for not relating to my students parents because I have never been a parent.
I feel guilty for expecting more of my students than I should because I don't know what to expect "of children".
I feel guilty for not giving all of myself to my friends.
I feel guilty for taking over other peoples kids.
I feel guilty for judging other people parenting.
I feel guilty for thinking I would be such a better parent than ___________.
I feel guilty for questioning my Heavenly Father.
I feel guilty for being anti-social.
I feel guilty for not being able to relate to most people around me.
I feel guilty for wishing you could experience what it's like to be me.
I feel guilty for making my husband think I'm mad at him.
I feel guilty for being jealous of others blessed with children.
I feel guilty for participating in this project when we haven't tried ANYTHING in YEARS.
I feel guilty thinking my trials are worse than yours.
I feel guilty for thinking that maybe we will have a miracle baby.
I feel guilty for thinking that I may possibly ever be pregnant.
I feel guilty for making you feel bad when you share your pregnancy news.
I feel guilty for blogging about infertility when really we aren't currently trying to have a baby, and haven't since that first try 4 years ago.
I feel guilty knowing how lucky and easy I have it compared to so many other infertile couples out there.
I feel guilty for complaining so much.
I feel guilty to my employers to whom I'm a huge burden insurance wise.
I feel guilty we don't have enough money to try expensive medical treatments.
I feel guilty that I don't feel ready to adopt.
I feel guilty that I don't know what the next step should be.
I feel guilty for looking into other places to live and work so I can buy a chance at being a mother.

Most of all I feel guilty for my body letting me down and the huge disappointment it is.

***Please know I'm not sharing any of these for you to tell me how I don't need to feel guilty. I am also not posting these for you to comment on them. The purpose of this is to inform people on the outside the types of feelings you go through when you are dealing with infertility.

I have learned a lot about myself over the course of the many years of infertility. Endo and PCOS are two debilitating diseases. I'm grateful for a supportive husband who puts up with me. I'm grateful to be able to, on most days, get past my guilt and continue living my life and find joy and happiness. I am grateful for this trial of infertility. My hope and prayer is that infertility will no longer be such a secretive topic and we can spread the wealth of knowledge and sense of community I have found through blogging. Happy National Infertility Week! It's happy because we are making other more aware. Do you want to know more about infertility and how to deal with me? Check out http://www.resolve.org/ They have a great wealth of information.

Do you want to read other entries for Project IF? Check out the list over at Mel's. Be sure to check out #33... It is one of the most moving videos I've seen!

Join us!

2010-04-24T14:21:00.000-07:00

Follow me @erikareyes

NIAW and ICLW

2010-04-23T21:21:00.000-07:00

WOW, could there be anything better than this? I think not!

Every 21-28th of each month is ICLW or comment leaving week (click on the icon on the side to learn the history and read others participating!) So this weekend I'm going to try and get all of my commenting in (or at least caught up) I did make a good effort tonight and made up for a couple of missed days already!

This week April 24th-May 1st is National Infertility Awareness Week. Please check out Resolve to see what you can do to help. The page I linked is for "family and friends" of people dealing with infertility. There is some amazingly wonderful stuff on these pages. Resolve is a fantastic organization. This week my tweets, facebook, blogs, and anything else I do will be with NIAW in mind.

I've recently been making my surroundings aware of my infertility. It's been interesting to say the very least. I'm not a liar, so when people ask me questions they get an honest answer. So I've never really hid infertility, but I did flat out tell my whole Sunday School class that I teach a couple weeks ago. This of course has brought EVERYONE and their DOGS out with their advice and 2 sense. I know they're trying to help, I know they mean well... but do you think it would be rude if I printed off the pages from Resolve and passed them out on Sunday?

Anyway, we're still applying for jobs. Really just 1 in particular, that is in a place with no state mandated IF coverage, but is an excellent opportunity for growth and learning for me as a teacher. Some of the others are ridiculously long and John doesn't feel good about moving there, so I'm not wasting my time... (NJ asked for me to set aside 4 hours for the next step in the application... this after the hours I've already put into it.) I guess we'll see what happens. May 18th is a big deal for me here in AZ. Let's hope voters use good judgement unlike our Governor today...

MIA for a reason

2010-04-15T19:14:00.001-07:00

Sorry I've been MIA the last few weeks. I miss it, blogging I mean. It is a way to release all my thoughts, edit them so they're appropriate for public viewing, and get honest responses from people.

So here's what all of my online time has been taken up with lately...

We're doing a strategic nation wide search for a new job.

Our families know. (At least I hope John told his like he said he did! I offered to tell everyone, because it is me looking for the job, but he said he would.)
My supervisors know (and encouraged me)
People who ask know (I refuse to lie)

A lot has happened since I last posted I don't really know where to start.

I guess the beginning is a good place. Here are snip its from all the important events...

Sunday we found out our superintendent (good friend) was leaving, and the fact that the district has to eliminate $800,000 from the budget, I posed the question to John if we (I) should look into other job possibilities. Monday, we had a very long, loud, and tear filled discussion. We learned we have very different things that make us feel secure. John with a house, job, car, and food... Me with people around who will join me in battle, and go to bat for me.

It eventually boiled down to the fact that it wasn't really about job searching, but about the fact that we both feel like it's time to jump back on the TTC roller coaster and we can't really go very far on that ride because we live so far away from an RE.

That Thursday we went to the school board meeting... We had a long chat with my principal. I adore him and his management style and his willingness to do whatever needs to be done. He basically informed us "the titanic is sinking, untie yourself and jump off!" His words, not mine. He and John then continued to talk in sinking ship metaphors until each got their point across.

Then we had spring break. I looked a little bit, found some good opportunities, and asked John to decide whether he was okay with me applying for jobs.

(Let's rewind a minute to mention that I have NEVER, EVER applied for a teaching job. My current job was handed to me on a silver platter... (long story, e-mail me if you want to know) I don't have a resume, I don't know what a teaching resume is supposed to look like, and I really haven't a clue as to what I'm getting myself into. )

So then we go back to school. People are speculating... People are spreading all KINDS of rumors about everyone and their dog, and people are staying away from each other because heaven forbid someone be truthful!

Anyway, John finally decides that yes, I will apply for jobs. I work for days gathering information, getting various applications ready, trying to set up a resume, and writing cover letters.

Then the final straw...My principal found himself a new job.

I just keep asking myself these questions while I try and make it through the pages and pages of applications I've filled out and resumes I've made...

Do I really want to work with new administrators, new rules, less pay, and possibly no insurance unless I pay for it all myself (which we can't afford) with close to 30 kids in my classroom and no support? I think not... (although I may end up doing that anyway!)

So to my Principal's accuracy, our ship is sinking, everyone is looking to jump off. Just today our business manager, who is the reason why we're not in debt to begin with, is jumping ship too.

So I've sent my application to a few places, and this is where I come to you Internet friends...

Do you know of a school district hiring worth teaching in?
Do they offers infertility coverage?
Are you close to a metropolitan area where there are RE and such so we can move forward?

These are all the questions I have in my head. I've been dying to ask them, but with all of John's homework and my job hunting... finding time to write this has been rough! Any thoughts or suggestions are welcome :)

**Sorry if I'm rambling. I tried to make sense... I just have so much to try and get out of my head!

More of John's Wonderful Cooking!

2010-04-03T14:36:00.000-07:00

Well like I told you all a few weeks ago, I was contacted by csnstores.com to choose a product from one of their 200+ websites to review. John was very quick to let me know he wanted the Caphalon Pans. After my photo montage of him receiving his package, I'll turn my blog over to him for his review. Enjoy!

They're here!

Being very careful to open them so that he didn't hurt them.

Yay! (seriously, he was/is so excited about these pans!)

Reading the directions... who knew cookware came with instructions?!

Can you see all the excitement?

Iron Chef :)

This right here (eggs) were the reason why John wanted these pans so badly.

The first dish he made for us that we both could eat (since i don't eat eggs). It was pasta with cherry tomatoes and some other things he'll have to write about :) The important thing is, it tasted great!

Hippity Hoppity Easter's on it's way!

2010-04-02T12:47:00.000-07:00

John just (as in within the last 20 minutes) came home from helping his mom hang blinds over at her house. He came home to clothes EVERYWHERE! I'm cleaning out the closet. Long overdue, and by cleaning it out means I'm cleaning a bunch of other places out.

ANYWAY, this post isn't about cleaning.

He came home and said his mom had gotten me something. So when I had a minute I needed to come find him. I walked into the office where he was to see this sitting on the desk.

I of course knew exactly what it was and start crying. Do you know what it was? If you've read my blog before I'm sure you do :) Here's a picture in case you forgot

Kami, I so appreciate this! I also appreciate you giving this to John to give to me and letting me have a private moment to accept this gift! Needless to say, this is again one of those gifts that means more to me than the person giving it probably realizes. So thank-you, thank-you, thank-you Kami! I love it and you, more than you know!

I really want to show off my wonderful gift from my MIL so I'm participating in Kate's (from Busted Plumbing) Blog Hop. Join along in the fun!

And now, back to cleaning :)

Grand Surprise Plans!

2010-03-31T10:19:00.000-07:00

Well I had grand plans of getting posts done on all the wonderful things I got from Hannah who was my secret pal for March, the fun we've been having cleaning up the house, yard, and shaving Tuffy, getting to go to my niece's dance recital, and getting John to write the review of his pans from csnstores. However, John surprised me with a little overnight getaway to Vegas so I'm off to pack. We had talked about going down for a day, but this will be nice! I will be internet free for at least the next 36 hours. I don't know where we're staying and I must say I'm THRILLED by the surprise factor! It's not very often that one of us can keep a secret long enough to surprise the other! Now I have ALL kind of things to post about when I get back.

Hey ICLWers!

2010-03-21T20:49:00.000-07:00

Welcome to all of you! None of this has anything to do with IF. Unfortunately, treatments aren't in the picture right now, or in the near future. Here's what's currently going on in my life keeping me up into all hours of the night/morning.

Right now my life feels very up in the air. Found out this month LOTS about my job.

The state of Arizona, unless a 1cent sales tax increase is passed will cut 20% of our schools budget (which in our very small, 2 school district, equals teachers).
The state of Arizona just passed a law (which I LOVE btw) that teacher tenure is basically out the window. Teachers will be hired and kept based on student achievement not how many years they've been working. (Again, LOVE this!)
Our superintendent is moving on to bigger and better things. This is a wonderful thing for him and his family (we're really close), but not an ideal situation for me (I know so selfish).
Our school board isn't great at follow through. As in, they say one thing and then DO something completely different. Example: They send us ALL the timeline for hiring new super, but then in the VERY first step (posting the job opening) do it 2 weeks early and they have it replacing one of our principals too... Not the best people to have looking for someone new... in my opinion.

You see, I'm the type of person that needs to know, I need answers yesterday, I don't like what if's and quite possiblies, or NOT knowing anything.

So we're playing the waiting game to see how this hiring process goes, who our new superintendent will be, and if there is money so that I have a job next year. So I open for suggestions like I have been throughout this school year to other possible job fields that have openings that isn't linked to teaching at all, or teaching positions (preferably both in a state with mandated infertility insurance coverage!).

Besides all of this being dumped on me this month, 2 uncles, and another gentleman I knew passed away this last week.

March has totally kicked my butt, and it's not even over yet! But I'm ready with a smile on my face to survive this last week of school before spring break. Besides ICLW is the highlight of my month!

Show and Tell: Boutiful Baskets Edition

2010-03-17T21:00:00.000-07:00

If you live in Utah, Idaho, Washington, Arizona or Nevada you have got to check out Bountiful Baskets Food Co-op. It is seriously the coolest thing since sliced bread! :)

Look at all the fruits

and veggies

Everything in those two pictures was only $15!!!!

They also have cool add on things each week like the "Mexican herb pack" $6.50

And then they also have 9-grain bread $10 for 5 loaves and last time they had tortillas...Oh my those tortillas were HUGE and SO SO SO yummy!

So excited to get my basket this weekend! In the meantime... Be sure to check out what the rest of the class is showing!

My husband's the cook!

2010-03-12T05:58:00.000-08:00

Well, if you know me in real life, you know I'm not the homemaker type. Never have been. Last week some of my family was in town and we had some other company at our house as well. Since John is always cooking, the favorite place to gather is on the bar stools to watch him work his magic in the kitchen.

Here are some of his creations:

My favorite dish ever: Chile Rellenos

And don't forget his eggs benedict (without the eggs for me thought ;)

Oh and his RIBS... DIVINE!

He does this using pots and pans that are 7 years old and on their last leg. They've been great, but it's about time we start replacing them. Lids are broken, handles are glued on. It's just time.

So needless to say, when CSN contacted me about doing a review of one of their products from one of their 200+ online stores and suggested these beauties I showed John and it was like Christmas morning for a little kid. He is THRILLED to be able to test these new pans. I can't wait until they get here so I can show you all the things he can use them for!

Show and Tell: My Newest Jewlery

2010-03-10T17:58:00.000-08:00

Make sure to check out what everyone else is showing this week!

I've been wanting this necklace from therhouse couture ever since she's opened her etsy store and it was posted on there. My MIL gave me a gift card for Christmas and I was telling John that was what I was going to buy while we were in Indiana. My mom was in the room as well and was asking me "why in the world would you want a necklace that said eventually?" John says I handled the situation well (which is a good thing). I don't remember what I said, just being offended that she a) didn't understand and b) would kind of make fun of me for wanting it didn't bode well for me responding well... but thankfully, I did.

Anyway, I didn't order it while we were in Indiana and then life happened and while I didn't forget about the necklace, I did forgot to order it. So a few weeks ago when I got on after Valentine's day to order the necklace it wasn't there. I was so sad! (it's back now and I still will order it at some point in time)... So I started looking to see what else they had. I found this beauty...

(my pictures don't do it justice and it's not on their website at the moment).

This necklace is so perfect for me! I say this phrase all the time and I truely believe it, too! When I found it I showed it to John who said "It even sounds like you!" So he bought it for me!

All my students and other kids I'm around love that I have "a necklace with words". They all try to figure out what it says. One girl that I'm particularlly close with read it and just smiled. She thought it was perfect for me too.

I've used it in teaching lessons at church.

I've used it to remind myself that I'm not in ultimate control. Especially when I found out this past weekend that my dear friend is moving away this summer. I've kept telling myself "everything happens for a reason." I don't know that it has made it any less emotional, but it has helped by giving it a purpose. Even if I don't know what that purpose is yet.

So to mrs. r and her crew... thanks for my newest necklace and giving me reason to find purpose in everything!

Feeling Loved

2010-02-28T14:59:00.000-08:00

I have many friends.

I cherish every one of them.

Some know of my struggles with infertility.

Even fewer know of my daily "keep your positive attitude" struggle.

A only one, to my knowledge, knows first hand the feelings that come with infertility in any way, shape, or form at all.

I'm grateful for that in two ways:

My friends don't have to deal with infertility (i would not wish this on anyone ever, despite what my post a week or so ago may have had you thinking)
The one that understands these feelings understands how I feel better than I do sometimes.

Now I must tell you all, that I'm not very good at being sentimental face to face. I don't like the crying or the awkwardness. I never have, so I'm using this here, my little blog, to let her know how greatful I am for her friendship.

Last November, after my nephew was born, I was telling her how my "people that are currently pregnant" list was empty (which in reality it wasn't but oh well), and I was glad to have a day or two before I was SURE I would start hearing new announcements.

Well a week or so later she called me to tell me she was pregnant. It was one of the most kind moments of my entire life. I knew she was calling me specifically because she cared about me and my feelings. I could tell that she felt so badly telling me, and I had made it even worse with my comment(sorry about that!). However, It is a moment cemented in my mind.

I am eternally greatful for the outpouring of love from her always, but espeically at that moment. I know I never told her thank you for being so kind and considerate, so thank you. It meant the world to me. I'm also sorry for making your feel so guilty! We are nothing but extatic for you guys! I am thrilled to have 5 of your little ones to be able to love.

Thanks for being an amazing friend, sharing your kids with us, and understanding me!

Oh, and Happy belated birthday!

Show and Tell: Sock It To Me Edition

2010-02-25T16:41:00.000-08:00

Be sure to check out what the rest of the class is showing and all the other amazing socks!

Well, this being my first time for Sock it to Me and I really had no IDEA what I was doing.

First, I must apologize to Soapchick who I was in charge of sending socks to this time around. I read through much of her blog trying to find out all about her so I could find her the most perfect pair of socks. I looked at many stores early on trying to get a feel for what was out there. And then it came right down to it and I hadn't chosen any socks for her. None was the perfect pair I had envisioned...So finally I just had to pick a pair. In the end, the pair I picked was fun, unusual, would be very warm, and not to mention would share a little love. I just hope she got them on time and that I wrote the address correctly. Oh yeah, and I didn't tell her who I was... I'm a horrible sock buddy!

My sending buddy was Tam from Half a Duo Raising a Duo (I think she has a private blog). She's great and e-mailed me right away asking what kinds of things i liked. I mentioned that we have a crazy sock day for Dr. Seuss week in my class and she found me Dr. Seuss socks!!!! I am thrilled about them and my 1st/2nd graders are going to LOVE them! Thanks Tam!

Happy ICLW: February Edition

2010-02-23T16:19:00.000-08:00

Well hello everyone!

I'm really sorry if you stopped by and were smacked in the face with my last post... it was pretty deep, heartfelt, and full of emotions. If you're ready for that feel free to keep reading.

This week is one of my favorites every month. I find so many new blogs to read and LOVE LOVE LOVE all of the comments!

Here's some details about me

26
married almost 7 years
PCOS and ENDO diagnosis
not currently ttc
husband is back in school
teacher
most likely after last week, going to be having another Lap. in the nearer future
first Lap. was 8 years ago

I love this community. I'm thrilled to have the support, friendship, and "i'm not the only one in this boat" feeling. Thanks to all of you for that!

My deepest darkest feelings...

2010-02-20T11:00:00.000-08:00

My "here's what I really think of you" announcement to:

the parents of children on the news everyday that are traded for drugs, left to wander 2 blocks in the middle of the night, or left in dumpsters.
the parents of children who feel entitled to EVERYTHING, think they're above everyone else, and think the rules don't apply to them.
Especially parents who NEVER tell their children NO or stand by while their child is blatantly rude, dishonest, hurtful, or mean and don't do anything.
Also, to those parents who are NOT appreciative of the blessing ALL children are, along with the RESPONSIBILITY they have to care for and raise them WELL.

I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of pretending I don't hate your guts for your lack of parentin, and how it is affecting your child/children.

I'm sick of hearing about you on the news, Oprah shows, and on the internet.

I'm sick of the hatred I feel for you EVERY time I see or hear of you neglecting your child who needs you more than your socialization, your job, your drug addiction, or your other children.

I hate that you expect others to do for your child what YOU should have been doing all along but haven't.
I hate even more, your fury, when the others don't do it "RIGHT".
I hate that you think you're the victim.
I hate that you think it's everyone else's fault.
I hate that I still HAVE to be kind and considerate, and that by voicing my opinion of you, I'M the bad guy.
I hate that because I don't have any children, my opinion of any of these types of situations doesn't matter because "I don't know".
I hate being in a public setting, seeing you, being annoyed because I feel I should keep an eye out for your child because I know you won't be paying attention.
I hate that you judge me because I don't have children and you don't know anything about me, or care to find out.
I hate that you tell me how lucky I am because I'm not tied down with children.
I hate that I KNOW I could do a better job, but will probably never get the chance.
Most of all, I hate myself for my thoughts and feelings towards you. I know being a parent is hard. I know you want what's best for your child, even if YOU cannot provide that (for whatever reason that I don't know and even if I did, I couldn't/wouldn't understand).

Wow... I have some issues! But I feel SO much better after writing that!

*****If this offends you, I'm sorry. I know many of my thought processes are not in the "norm" especially for those of you that read this with children, and even more so if INFERTILITY has NEVER applied to you. A lot of things have happened in my life that is causing me to finally admit my deepest darkest feelings.

*****I'm not calling ANYONE a bad parent. I know parenting is hard, and if I ever get the chance I won't be perfect at it so, I'm sorry if this makes you feel that way.

*****I am voicing my opinions and feelings. You're welcome to disagree, but not to tell me how I feel is wrong.

Show and Tell: Utah Auto Expo

2010-02-19T19:24:00.000-08:00

Be sure to check out what the rest of the class is showing!

So a month ago we headed north to take my sister a bunch of her stuff and to pick up some of my old medical records they wouldn't just fax (more on those later). Here are some of our favorites :) Not that we're buying any, since we just bought my very first brand new new car ever,(Love my Dodge Caliber!) but it was still a great time looking!

John's dream truck...

The new Audi R8... or something like that.

The latest Audi TT roadster convertible... This has been my dream car since high school when it first came out. I still love it.

The newest Toyota Prius, the only car where Dana (my sister) could reach the pedals... hehe!

John loves him a Buick. I don't understand, but I don't need to, I guess.

The Transfomer Edition Camaro... so cool!

I don't know what car this is... it may be a Camaro too. (my husband would be laughing hystarically if he knew I was admitting this!)

The Dale Jr. edition Camaro... John was drooling, literally!

Somehow, I didn't get a picture of my "if we ever need a bigger car" car. It was probably because I was too busy being in it to remeber to take a picture of it... but it was a Dodge Journey.

Life is hard...Concrete is harder!

2010-02-09T16:46:00.000-08:00

I know life is hard. It always is for someone. It is for me often. Everyone can ALWAYS find something to complain about. However I'm here to tell you that concrete/asphalt is WAY harder!

Remember last year when I broke my face? (gruesome pictures in link)

Well today I totally stepped on a rock, rolled my ankle, tripped, and sprawled out on the asphalt in front of the ENTIRE school (and no, I'm not exaggerating like I usually do... this happened at school square, where we all meet every morning and have the pledge, announcements, etc.) It was great fun, I'm mostly fine, my right hand is having some muscle pains, I think i pinched something. At least this time I only broke my pride!

I promise, as hard as life is, concrete is harder!

Show and Tell: Zion National Park... IN THE SNOW!

2010-01-26T17:06:00.000-08:00

Awhile ago I asked John to take me to Zion National Park the next time it snowed up there. I loved it up there this summer and couldn't wait to see it in the snow. And honestly, it's a magical place, especially in the snow... I can't tell you how many times I said to John, "It's just perfect!"

We arrived and it was still snowing. As we journeyed further up the canyon we got more snow, but the clouds began to clear as well. I know there were a TON of perfessional photographers up there that day that probably did a much better job capturing the magic, but I LOVE our pictures! We took over 150 pictures in just under 3 hours. Here are some of my favorites!

Now, go check out what the rest of the class is showing over at Mel's!

Uproar over Giuliana and Bill

2010-01-24T08:20:00.000-08:00

I'm just going to preface this by saying that I really like this show. I liked it when it started and had nothing to do with infertility. I like it because Giuliana is TOTALLY oblivious as to the real world and doesn't seem to care and I've liked Bill since he was on the Apprentice (season 1 winner). It's a good stress reliever show for me, because some of the things they talk about are just SO out there in fantasy land and have not much to do with the real world. As in Giuliana doing actupuncture to help her be able to ride in a plane Bill is flying. Who does things like that?

ANYWAY...

I've watched every episode of this show. This is the second season (I think). And while Giuliana is a bit ditsy and OBVIOUSLY doesn't have any grasp of what the real world is like they are going through the beginnings of infertility. I must admit that if people were filming me the first 8 months of TTC in my marriage where infertility wasn't a KNOW fact I would be a little naive at the same time.

Does she say the right things? NO! But did you at the beginning of infertility? Absolutely not.

Do they seek out advice from friends going through infertility and TOTALLY mess it up on camera? YES But were you perfect about talking to people you thought might be experiencing it at the very beginning of your own infertility experience? I know I wasn't!

I feel badly for them doing this ad. Can you imagine how you would feel put in that situation?

I mean these shows are shot months before they are aired, so how long ago did they find out they were going to have trouble TTC? They aren't pregnant yet, so this struggle is real. Just because they can right off the bat decided adoption/IVF or whatever else they decide because they have the money, doesn't make it hurt any less, I'm ALMOST postive of that.

I know what my first reation to Mel's post was. It was very similar to her's and countless other commenters. However, after thinking about it and talking about it with my husband I felt bad for them. I felt badly that they had to go through that photo shoot and have their troubles concieving exploited for television advertisment purposes.

So while what I think doesn't really matter, I truly hope that their TTC/IF journey is short. I know mine hasn't been AT ALL and I don't wish it on anyone. Despite where they live, what their job is, how much money they have, or how advertising for their TV show is portrayed.

ICLW

2010-01-22T15:58:00.001-08:00

Hello Fellow ICLWers! This is my FAVORITE time of the month! Can't wait to get to know more of you nad find more blogs to read regularly!

You can go read my other intro posts to get to know more about me. Nothing has changed, except the new question I've been asking myself a lot lately... "What does a teacher do that doesn't want to teach anymore and they economy is crap?" I'm open to ANY and ALL suggestions/answers. I just really don't know if I can teach again next year, none of the possibilities seem plausible to be better than this year, which has been HARD to say the very least.

The other thing I HAVE to add is that Kym over at I'm a Smart One is hosting the 2nd Sock it to Me exchange. I missed out last year by 2 DAYS so I'm thrilled to be participating this year! Be sure to check it out and JOIN! I don't know about you, but comfy socks are one of my favorite things!

Show and Tell: Indianapolis Children's Museum

2010-01-13T17:21:00.000-08:00

Be sure to check out what the "rest of the class" is showing!

Christmas Eve the Indianapolis Children's Museum offered free admission to the general public. I LOVED the Children's Museum when I was a kid and talk to John about it all the time so we talked with my family and got most of them to go with us. We had a blast, and although it was really crowded, got to see A TON of really cool stuff. Some of our favorites were

The DinoSphere was on of our first stops. It was really cool. They turned the old IMAX theater into this exhibit and have ALL kinds of dinosaur bones and replicas on display. Logan had a great time "getting into it"!! They also have real palaeontologists around to answer questions.

"Take me there: Egypt" exhibit, especially since Dana had just been there. I didn't get any pictures because there were SO many people and it was SO hot I didn't spend much time in there.
"Fireworks of Glass" exhibit by Dale Chihuly who did the ceiling at the Bellagio. Here are pictures from his exhibit. The best part was the Plastic couch thing you laid on to look up at the ceiling below the big tower so you don't strain your neck like Tanner and John are doing.

"Star Wars The Clone Wars (animated series)" They also had outfits warn by various actors in one of the films on display. We had a little too much fun with the murals... as you can see ;)

One of the neatest things was the GIGANTIC Gingerbread house.

We had a great time! The only thing that would have made it better was if everyone else would have come too... wisdom teeth removal... no fun!

I'm a Winner so "I'm the BEST!"

2010-01-09T18:37:00.000-08:00

First, let me preface this by saying this post is LONG overdue! I thought I published it a LONG time ago (the written date on it was November 3rd). So I apologize up front for not doing this sooner!

OK, I don't know if you ever played Mario Kart on Nintendo 64, but my family (especially my husband) is known for saying all of the character's little phrases. When Princess Peach wins she says "I'm the BEST!" So now, that I've won a few things over the last few months it's been my catch phrase.

I figured I was being totally rude by not mentioning the cool things I've won from the wonderful ladies out in the IF blogosphere.

Back in September I won a copy of

Click here to learn more about the book

Click here to buy your own copy.

Mel's book from Danielle at TTC Connections . It is an excellent book and helpful no matter what stage of this journey your on, or if your a loved one/friend of someone on this journey. Thanks to Danielle for sharing this book with me, and good luck to her on her journey TTC!!!!

Then in October I won an Endofemm

from Jenn at Chasing that Dream. I LOVE this product. It works great for me. I holds heat for a long time, it stays exactly where I need it, unlike a regular heating pad. And despite my husband making fun of the shape of it, he has commented on how much I use it. Thanks Jenn and good luck on your foster to adopt journey!

Make sure to visit each of these ladies and cheer them on through their journeys!

Christmas Show and Tell

2010-01-07T18:36:00.000-08:00

Be sure to check out what the rest of the class is sharing!

Alright so I know I'm a few weeks behind, but I HAVE to share the most meaningful Christmas present I've gotten in a long time. This is a gift my sister brought me back from Jerusalem where she spent the last 4 months on a studying abroad. She had some amazing experiences so be sure to check out her blog. Anyway, she knows, she reads, she cares about this IF journey I'm on. She's my rock. She brought me back many things from Jerusalem... A couple nativity ornaments for the tree, a beautiful scarf and this beauty...

Even writing this now it means so much to me. I was confused for a minute...All I could get out of my mouth was "Is it a pomegranate?" When she said yes, I did my very best not to cry and said thank you a hundred times in my head (everyone around was kind of clueless so me being all gushy would have brought more attention and tears). No one else understood, not even John. But she and I, shared a very special moment. It was right then I knew how much my sister loved me and cared about me, enough so, to read what I can't say out loud and she acted on it. To know the deepest desire of my heart and acknowledge it. No one, EVER, has given me a gift like this before. I am truly grateful, although I didn't ever tell her how much this means to me, I know she'll read this and know. As the tears roll down my checks writing this... Let's hope this thing works wonders! I love you little sis! Thanks for the amazing, heartfelt gift!

New Year, New Goals

2010-01-01T21:03:00.000-08:00

I'm not one for making new year's resolutions. I never have been. However, I've been changing a lot of things about me lately, so why not the whole resolution making, i mean keeping thing, right? I have made several different goals; all which are only small changes to things I already do, but, will(hopefully) round me out to a happier, healthier, better me.

Blogging Goals
#1 Comment on 4 out of 5 blog posts I read. Honestly, I love comments. I think others like comments. I read so many blog posts and NEVER EVER leave a comment. I follow countless numbers of blogs that I read religiously and NEVER comment on their posts. So, while I know some posts I just won't be able to respond nicely to, so I won't respond at all, MOST I love and I need to share that with the author. So many people I respect and appreciate their "life sharing" through their blogs. This should get a great head start with the Creme de la Creme list and ICLW throughout the year!

#2 Participate in ICLW 10 times this year.

#3 Participate in Mel's Show and Tell at least twice a month.

This means your guaranteed 3 posts a month people... isn't that exciting! Shamefully low goal, but I know I can do it!

Religious
#1 Read the entire Old Testament of the Bible this year. I kind of feel like this is cheating since I am the ONLY teacher now for Gospel Doctrine and we're studying the Old Testament this year... but I've only read it once before (all the way through) and I was in high school, so I'm putting my mind to it and doing it this year, with good, albeit cheater pants, motivation.

Health
#1 Try counting my calorie intake. I've never done it before. I think it will help me make more informed eating decisions and therefore encourage better eating habits... aka not eating a whole _____ (fill in the blank with whatever unhealthy snack you want) as soon as I get home from school. I'm not going to obsess about it... this I'm not going to not eat things I enjoy, but, I may eat less of them in one sitting! I need a baseline, somewhere to compare to.

#2 Cook on Wednesday night at least 15 times this semester while John's in class. This will save us money, help us be healthier, and strengthen my marriage... it's the one thing John put on his "Something Erika can do to make me Happy" list. So I can do it!

Money
#1 End 2010 with less debt than I have right now.

So you see, being the teacher I am, each of these goals are measurable, realistic, and EVERYONE can see if I've done them or not.
It makes me more accountable.
I means I actually may accomplish some of these goals.
I means that I may make some real progress in life this year.

Ha, ha, ha.

And it means that they may only last this week...

but seriously I WANT to do this.

I WANT it to be a year long thing!

Oh Goodness... I'm gonna need TONS and TONS of encouragement people! (I'm regretting this already)

Happy New Year!

Home Sweet, Awkward Home

2009-12-23T16:08:00.000-08:00

Well it's Wednesday night so I've been home for 60 hours. It's been INTERESTING! The plane ride was awful, the ride home was fun, and walking in the door I was handed a chore chart for the week. Today I was in charge of dishes, cooking, and walking Griffy. Let's just say, John cooked dinner. This evening everyone is gone except Logan, John and I. So we're playing Mario Kart on the Nintendo 64. Yup, we're old school!

It's been an overall good time... with some VERY awkward moments.

Monday Skylar got his wisdom teeth out which led to some very hilarious moments including him giving himself a pep talk in the mirror to swallow his pills, him singing "Oh where , oh where has my swallow gone?", and freaking out over a boiling pot of water he thought we were going to cook him in. Monday was also my aunt's birthday and they came up so we could celebrate. We also had a great showing from my brothers' friends. There were probably 17 people in and out that evening!

I went to lunch with my dear friend Gretchen today. We have so much in common and always have a great time sharing our lives catching up. Gretchen came over for a few hours to talk about Twilight, which she is just now reading... we had a blast! Plus it was a great chance for me to find out all about the behind the scenes stuff from her wedding!

Today Tanner and Bob (my 17 yr old brother and mom's husband) had a moment of severe contention in front of a bunch of company so that is one of the many reasons why everyone has gone their separate ways this evening. I just don't know how to deal with Bob. It's not that I don't like him or that I'm not glad he married my mom. I'm so glad they are married and happy! I just don't know what he expects of me, and he has as many mood/personality swings as every one else in our family! While I've been home he either is ignoring us or railing us with questions about things we really don't know the answer to or care to share the answer with him. So I'm not sure how to treat him or react to him especially when he's correcting my grammar.

Anyway, tomorrow we are going to the Children's Museum and I'M SO EXCITED!!! Then we will serve dinner at the homeless shelter. Should be a great Christmas Eve. Love my family, glad I'm here, hoping things with Bob get less awkward soon. Any advice on dealing with step fathers would be greatly appreciated... I've considered having a DTR (define the relationship) discussion with him... I just lose my courage when it comes time, or I'm annoyed and don't want to come off that way. Hope you're all having a lovely week leading up to Christmas.

Dreading a Hormonal Christmas at Home

2009-12-19T05:22:00.000-08:00

Well I guess now its 6:30 so I shouldn't necessarily be asleep, but when I woke up at 5:00 this morning I definitely should have been. I'm dreading next week while being thrilled for it at the same time. We're headed to Indy for Christmas, which is guaranteed to be stressful. Here's why I'm dreading it:

Its my "favorite" week out of the month (and I'm usually not very sociable this week each month... plus it exponentially compounds each of these other reasons!)
Its the first Christmas I'll be home for since before my dad died.
Bob will be there (and as much as he's a nice guy, he stresses me out... I don't know exactly why) Plus this will be the first time EVER for me to be HOME while HE is there. I'm sure I'll find issues with that during my hormonal overdrive moments!
My mom... lets just say that since she's married Bob I talk to her maybe once a month... maybe.
No escape. I will not have a car to use, which means there will be no escaping during those moments that I know will come (often) when I want to tear everyone's head off if they don't leave me alone. I will be stuck. Which is going to make it even worse... I don't deal well with no escape, and knowing there isn't one is going to make me want one even more.
Advocare... my brothers have been using and selling this product. It's not that it doesn't work, I've watched my brother loose 75 lbs and turn other weight into muscle since April, so I know it works...and I want to use it, because weight loss is key to this whole IF thing...but I don't have ANY money to buy it=awkward=stress.

Honestly, none of these are really that big of a deal, and hopefully won't be a big deal, but I know how hormonal I get during this week of my life, so I'm just hoping I can somewhat control myself.

Here are some reasons why I'm SO EXCITED:

Logan is home from his 2 year LDS mission... this means I haven't seen him in over 2 years!
Dana is home from a semester abroad in Jerusalem with trips to Egypt, Galilee, Jordan, and many other too cool places. I can't wait to see pictures.
Skylar will be getting his LDS mission call that tells us where he will be serving for the next two years.
Tanner... what can I say, I love this kid!
Family: I really do love all of them, I love being with them, I love being home
Gretchen, one of my dearest friends, I always love getting to see her. Hopefully she can handle my raging hormones and still love me!
Thursday is free admission to the Indianapolis Children's Museum. It is the largest Children's Museum I've ever seen or heard of. Yes I know it's Christmas Eve. Yes I know I HAVE NO CHILDREN. But I'm a teacher, and I'm a gigantic child at heart. SO, if I can figure out a way to get there, I WILL be there!
Home... I hope it will really feel like home still, like it did in September when I was there.

You see, I truly have so much to be grateful for. And I am grateful. I just am terrified at what my emotions and hormones will be doing for the next week or so... and if that, plus all my reservations about going in the first place will end OK with everyone alive and still loving each other.

Heaven help us all!

Now, if I could just get some sleep so I'm starting this off on the right foot, we all MAY survive this!

I'm Alive

2009-12-05T17:08:00.000-08:00

I don't have any excuses, except for nothing really to blog about and just not feeling like blogging. I do have a few things to share from the past month and a half though. but nothing related to infertility. Just everyone else's fertility which is almost more exciting I think! Babies I get to hold and love on without the responsibility. I'm loving every minute of it lately! Anyway, the upped dose with Met.formin is kicking my trash. I just hope it's worth it and it does what it's supposed to and I don't end up resistant to Met.formin too. So between the Met and all the illnesses I've had this school year, I come home and fall asleep on the couch almost daily. Hopefully the new year will bring a new burst of energy!

I'll do a better job, I promise!

ICLW

2009-10-24T07:40:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I'm only a few days late on the ICLW bandwagon this month. I skipped last month because I thought I would be too busy, and then this month I missed the first 3 days! So Sorry about that! I promise I'm trying to make up for all the missed comments. Here's a little bit about me

I'm Erika, I teach 1st/2nd graders this year, I have 1 amazing husband, and one adorable westie named Tuffy. (A few weeks ago Tuffy came to school to meet the class... oh how they loved him, AND HE SURE loved THEM!)

Here are some fun facts about me:

I am the new gospel doctrine teacher for my church, which terrifies me.

I love all things San Diego... I wish I could live there.

I am on the search for the perfect (to me) Chille Relleno

I'm the oldest of 5 kids, and I definately have "oldest child syndrome"

I love Mountain Dew.

I'm addicted to reality television, I don't know why...

I've had the "Maybe I'm pregnant" thought cross my mind MULTIPLE times this year, although I know I'm not. (why does that happen?)

I LOVE all things Disney. My favorite movie as of late is Meet the Robinsons... the "Keep moving forward" tag is my mantra. I can't wait for UP to come out on DVD. I LOVED that movie!

Anyway, moving on...

John is back in school to get a teaching degree while working full time so that is quite challenging as well.

We live in a rural area with the closest RE's at least 2 hours away. So needless to say we haven't done anything for a long 5 years. I have endo and PCOS. A lot of weight loss is the big next step. Hopefully by the time we feel like we need to proceed we'll both be healthier ;)

I love life right now. Not all days, but most. The rest of this year is going to be full of exciting things. I will have new nephew within the next 2 weeks (hopefully!). My brother comes home from his 2 year mission for church. And Christmas this year will be celebrated at home, in Indy, for the first time since my dad passed away with everyone else around, including all my new "step-family". I promise to share all the ups and downs along the way!

One thing is certain. My life is NEVER the same two days in a row!

Yearly Check up

2009-10-24T07:20:00.000-07:00

Well, to sum up I felt like a complete idiot. I've been talking about getting/needing to get another laporoscapy done because I've been in so much pain for a while now. However, after telling the Dr. about all of my issues the last few months nothing was even mantioned except to up my metformin. So that's what I'm going to do. Hopefully it will help with the weight gain. I don't know, maybe I should have brought up the lap, but I felt so stupid, so I didn't. I may be headed back to the Dr. soon though if the pain persists and requesting one. I'm just so frustrated and defeated, but oh well.

Reasons Why I Hate Leaving MY House

2009-10-13T17:48:00.000-07:00

So yesterday wasn't a great day for feeling well (at least in the afternoon/evening). I didn't realize until after trying on some clothes how HUGE I looked... Now you're probably wanting to say "Oh I'm sure it was in your head" At least that's what I said to myself.... however the lady (a stranger mind you) in the mall that walked up to me and RUBBED MY BELLY and asked WHEN ARE YOU DUE? Obviously didn't think it was all in my head. I simply told her January and walked away... Dumbfounded and laughing histarically at no one in particular.

It was either that or cry.

Please giggle at my story with me.

And NO I'm NOT pregnant at all, promise!